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Whirlwind

Bulletin Board User
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    196
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Gloucestershire

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  1. Hi, 2 months ago I found out my fiancee of 2 years (bf of 11 years) had slept with his colleague and friend after a night out. I always thought if this ever happened I would leave straight away but that's not the case. Its far more complicated than that. We have talked endlessly about how and why it happened and I have come to understand how he could have done this. I have even been in contact with the third party. Without explaining all the ins and outs of what led to this and how I have come to still want to continue our relationship. I just to discuss the effect its had on my OCD. Weve got to a point now where I believe deep down that I have all the information I need and that I know absolutely everything, minute by minute of what happened. I have been forensic. My fiancee is not a bad person he's just been in a bad place mentally and messed up. The problem is my OCD never feels 100% certain, I go over and over our conversations to reassure myself that I can understand how it happened. Even though I know deep down I have already understood it. I ask the same questions over and over again in different ways. I have contacted her twice to check their stories align. I want to move on and focus on the future but I am so anxious that I am being deceived in some way still that I spend days ruminating about it all. The constant what ifs, despite feeling like I know all the facts and the nature of their friendship. I accept than an element of obsessional thinking is normal after something like this happening but I feel like I've done all the analysis and made the decision but I am still getting stuck. Is it really OK to use CBT to stop the compulsions and accept the uncertainty when the trigger event is real?
  2. Really appreciate your time to reply. That's good advice, I'll take a look at that. I think I knew I was responsible for my moods and that I could do something about it to improve them - just have to learn how and that will be another bit of progress made. Many thanks.
  3. Hi I have had some really great progress with my OCD. My triggers nowadays can be anything. When I recognise a thought that could cause me to ruminate (I know but he presence of anxiety) I gently direct my mind away from it. The problem is that this can put a dampener on my previous good mood in minutes. Even though I'm not dwelling on it. This results in my days feeling like a mood rollercoaster. I felt frustrated by this today and thought 'is this really what it's like to be well?. 'I have consequently found myself ruminating on the matter. Do I need to ride the storm of my moods (as I do with my anxiety) and get on with my day inspite of them. I think its normal to want to feel good and happy!? And to be in control of those feelings. Or is the lesson here that: everyone has ups and downs but they just get on with it and don't put pressure on themselves to feel happy all the time. Because the negative moods are caused by my OCD I feel that I'm doing something wrong in terms of my therapy - another topic of rumination. Is it rumination to want an answer to my original question: how do I deal with these ups and downs in mood? If I ignore that question then I will continue on this rollercoaster indefinately but I can feel my general mood declining. Because I wouldn't know how to bring myself out of it I fear it may become depression. Which I naturally want to avoid!! If I decide to ride the storm and stop ruminating, which is what I have been doing until today, will I always have these constant peaks and troughs in anxiety and mood? Because there are never ending triggers to my anxiety and pulls to ruminate. I feel like I've failed today with OCD but it tricks me and sometimes I let it because it throw in a question that I want to know the answer to, in order to move forward with recovery. I live in constant fear of the next trip up, that could lead me to being really ill again. You would think after all the therapy and books I would know this by now! I think I do and I'm just not ballsy enough to stand up to it sometimes. Especially at time of the month. I now want to ruminate about how to stop myself getting into this state again. But I won't. Need to live with uncertainty. All of this is OCD isn't it. And now I'm wanting reassurance. For goodness sake. Would still appreciate a reply for some solidarity. Whirlwind x
  4. Hi Snowbear, Thanks for your reply. All very true and helpful advice. Onwards and upwards! Whirlwind x
  5. My compulsion is ruminating. It used to be about specific topics. I overcame that. Now it's about anything and everything but mainly about CBT techniques and reassuring myself of how those techniques will make me better. The bottom line is, I'm ruminating all the time, the topic is irrelevant. My questions/s are: am I going to have to stop myself from ruminating for the rest of my life? Or will the need to ruminate diminish in time? Or will the anxiety that comes when I stop myself ruminating reduce over time so that 'stopping' doesn't induce anxiety anymore and it becomes easy. I know people without OCD sometimes ruminate so the only difference is that they can let it go when they have had enough of thinking about it without feeling anxious. Therefore it's not a problem for them like it is for me?!? I've had CBT, trying to keep recovery going alone now :-)
  6. Thanks Lotty. Working on 'doing nothing' since my post and it's working. Enabling me to get on with my uni work! In the past I would be more likely to ruminate if the trigger was particularly frightening to me, setting me back. But I've learnt through CBT that triggers are always going to be frightening, that's why they are triggers! I know they are not real, just a thought or feeling, and that they don't mean anything other than I have a fear of the trigger subject.
  7. Thanks Franklin. Doing well the majority of the time only having a stressful time at the moment in life and it's making it harder to ignore the anxiety and do nothing about it, as the anxiety is triggering a lot more. Just constantly feels like there's something to resolve in my head. I know that if I stop resolving in my head at the feeling of anxiety I will eventually get better. I think even writing this to you is to reassure myself! MUST stop! And live with it. Without constantly telling myself, I will get better one day. Words mean nothing. Only actions will change it.
  8. Hi, I have decided to start saying to myself when anxiety hits, 'do nothing about it, carry on with your day'. I feel like a reminder is helpful to me and have also written it in my phone to refer to. Does it matter if I was to say this to myself every time I get anxious for the rest of my life in order to manage my OCD? Or are you supposed to be able to just do it without reminding yourself what to do? Thanks, Whirlwind
  9. I thought so Polar. Ok will stop telling myself what to do and just do it because I know what I should do/not do without reminding myself and I understand why I'm doing it. All this going over is actually part of OCD to avoid or quash the anxiety. But I've got to overcome the anxiety not stop it. Thank you x
  10. Hi, I have 2 more sessions of CBT left, we've spaced them out to help me cope on my own. What I'm doing at the moment is working well but I'm worried it's could be a compulsion. When I get a trigger I remind myself that if I ignore it, then I will get better and that convinces me to not compulse. If I don't remind myself of this then I stay worried often ruminate. What makes me think it's a compulsion is I the fact that I need to say it for the security and reassurance that if I ignore it I will get better. If this is a compulsion, do I have to just ignore triggers without saying anything to myself. I have tried this and I always end up feeling worried and struggle to snap myself out of my head and into reality. Also it almost works too well, like my anxiety from the trigger goes straight away when I say it to myself and I can just carry on with my day. OR is this just a way of helping myself to get better? x
  11. Yes it does feel like I want to ruminate but I'm stopping myself so I just feel unfocused. I do still feel the need to tell myself not to ruminate etc but starting to be able to automatically observe the thought and not engage with it. It's just that worried, distracted feeling that bothers me! However, I've just watched a video online about how to let your thoughts be there. I think what I need to do is continue to observe the thought/trigger, not react then let the feeling be there for as long as it wants to stick around and not try to get rid of it. It should go on its own eventually right? And over time my brain will learn I'm not going to react to the trigger and stop giving me anxiety/worry? Thanks Gemma x
  12. I have nearly finished my CBT which has gone well but I just need a bit of support with this. When I have a trigger, I know it's OCD straight away and tell myself that I don't need to worry. The problem is I then struggle to re-convene what I was concentrating on. I'm not thinking about the trigger or worrying about it in thoughts but I just feel distracted and my mind glazes over then I keep telling myself, 'you don't need to worry, just re-focus' but I just sit there unable to refocus but not really worrying either. It really stops me from getting on with my day. I know I don't need to worry so why do I still feel worried when I tell myself not to? Does anyone else understand what I mean? x
  13. Yes that's a good idea polar. Once I've done that, let the subject metaphorically float away and refuse to engage with it. I find that when an OCD obsession pops up, I'll tell myself not to engage with it, which I can do but then I feel I have to say to myself 'then soon you'll be free of OCD'. And if I don't say that to myself I struggle to move on. Yet I know the reasons why I'm not to perform the compulsion but it's like if I don't say it in my head then I feel like I don't know.
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