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Bit of advice required please...


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Hi everyone

I've mentioned before on the forum that I'm dealing with OCD evolving around my relationship at the moment. Some might call it Relationship OCD, but over the years I have worried about almost every possible topic and I came to the conclusion that it's basically the same process over and over again, no matter what the topic is.

These past few months I have been worrying about text messages that I had sent and received from ex boyfriends in the days and hours before my new relationship really started off. What was their content? I couldn't check anymore because I had deleted them all. I wanted to start with a clean slate.

Then I started worrying about dreams I had of having intercourse with someone else. I felt guilty about them. I shouldn't be having these dreams in a new, exciting and loving relationship.

When I dealt with the dreams I started to worry about: What if I did something wrong in the beginning of our relationship? What if I kissed someone, had sex with someone? I would remember, no? Would I do that? No, I wouldn't... Maybe I did.... What if I did something that would be inappropriate in my boyfriend's opinion?? Etc.....

During the past months my worries shift from one worry to another. Just when I have dealt with one of these three worries, the other one returns. Last week I went to my GP because I had noticed that in the past few weeks during the night I woke up gasping for air. My GP knows about my OCD and he said that my mind was probably doing overtime during the night, causing anxiety attacks in my sleep.

I also discussed this with my therapist. She says that my boyfriend causes a certain pressure on me. He has been cheated on in the past and made it absolutely clear that cheating would be the end of the relationship. He is a very uncertain person and has difficulties accepting some things about my earlier love life. He gets worked up when I receive a text message from male friends. He says they only want one thing. And sometimes he even says that I have to react more powerful. It's almost like I have to humiliate and insult them. He needs loads and loads of attention. So yes, he is uncertain and jealous... He scans my body language and the slightest gesture that makes him doubt if I really love him, makes him sad.

It's very tiring at times. It really is. I love him very much, but I don't want this to escalate. I have come to a point where I doubt that the dreams I had two months or so ago really happened. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Every time I tell myself: No you didn't do that, my mind find loopholes. I can't get out of it. Even though I try very, very very hard...

Help???

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First of all your boyfriend sounds like the jealous type. That's his problem but his expectations put a lot of pressure on you and that's not fair. Scanning your gestures is over the top. Perhaps you should have a word with him and let him know that his behavior is not acceptable. There has to be a level of trust in a relationship.

As for your current obsessions, you need to deal with them like with all OCD themes. Resist and stop compulsions. No doubt one of the compulsions you perform after you get the thoughts popping up in your head is ruminating. That's going over something in your head, again and again, and not getting anywhere with it. It's a hard compulsion to stop. It takes practice. But ruminating does absolutely no good. All it does is reinforce in your mind that something is wrong, even when there is no evidence that there was anything wrong.

When the thoughts pop up, try to leave them alone. Don't react to them at all. Stop yourself from ruminating and try to refocus onto something else. And whatever you do, don't start confessing your thoughts to your boyfriend. Nothing good can come from that.

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Guest Petit4

Maybe others don't know what to say because the difficulty of dealing with a jealous boyfriend is separate from the OCD, and yet they're tied because the stress from one is making the other worse. Here we're focused on OCD and I concur with PolarBear. :original:

Petit4

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Hi Melanie. I have very similar obsessions. After a terrible relationship where I was cheated on I stayed single for years and when I met someone I liked enough to make me want to start dating again I did some weird things. I decided I wasn't going to fall madly in love, I would keep my options open ( he will probably do same ) I had sex with someone else at this point me and my now partner hadn't had sex we had just met for a couple of walks. I'm still devastated about what I did because I feel like I cheated. The thing is I adore my partner and feel dreadful years and years later. If I would have known things would turn out like this I would have never looked at another man. I guess I was scared of being hurt. I'm currently obsessing over this non stop and can't decide if I need to tell him. :( it doesn't sound to me like you've done anything bad texting is nothing

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The problem is, is that the thought has become a feeling. It's no longer what if I cheated. It has become... I cheated. I feel guilty and I am not able to enjoy my relationship ?

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