confused by possible HOCD?

[Guest niguy]

Hi i am new to this fprum and am posting out of completelt feeling lost. I am a 25 year old guy and have been straoght my whole life without ever questioning it but 5 weeks ago i was kissing my girlfriend and didnt get an erection (were not sexually active) and i paniced why i didnt and suddenly got a thought in my head are you gay? This thought hasnt gone away in the last 5 weeks and while i have since got erections with my girlfriend that feeling hasnt gone away.

I started trying to picture myself with guys but it made me so uneasy and uncomfortable but continually doing it to see oh maybe now youll like it but never do. in my heart i know im straight but the anxiety is continually there.. ive fears that what if i cant be sexually active in future, will i suddenyly realise i am gay in 20 years time and wreck my wifes life? I dont know where to go from here if anyone has any advice i have trawled through the internet reading peoples stories wih HOCD and it all sounds so similar but am i jus denying myself?

[PolarBear]

The doubt you express about your sexuality is normal. We see it a lot in people with this particular OCD theme.

No, chances are you aren't going to wake up one day 20 years from now and realize you're gay. For this to be OCD you need basically two components: intrusive thoughts that cause you distress and compulsions that are performed to try and alleviate the distress.

With sexual orientation obsessions, the obsessions are literally about one's sexual orientation -- am I..., could I be..., what if I am... Compulsions are usually mental in origin, such as rumination -- going over it in your mind, trying to figure out if you are the opposite orientation than you thought. You mentioned that you picture yourself with other guys, that you continually do it, to see if you like it. That's a compulsion. It's a type of checking compulsion.

Like with all forms of OCD, what you need to do is work on the compulsions. You can't directly affect the obsessions but you do have control over the compulsions. Stop picturing yourself with guys. Stop any kind of checking behaviors you may have. A common checking compulsion associated with your theme is watching gay porn to see how you react. Don't do that. And do try to resist ruminating over all of this.

Basically you want to let the obsessions go ahead and pop up in your head without giving them attention through compulsions.

[Guest niguy]

Thanks for replying polar bear. Its been driving me mad ive lost attraction to women completely in these last few weeks...does that come back? Without sounding ignorant without thinking whether i get aroused by guys how else do i know?

While not watchimg gay porn as i just dont want to i would look at pictures of guys on my facebook feed to see how i feel. I dont get aroused but i get tingling in my groinal area which keeps freaking me out ive never felt that kind of feeling before and certainly never used to get it!!! Is that hocd is my mind tricking me??

[PolarBear]

Your sexual orientation was basically set by age 13-15. It doesn't just suddenly change.

Looking at pictures of guys on your Facebook to see how you feel is definitely a compulsion. Stop doing it.

That tingling in your groin is commonly referred to as a groinal response. It is very, very common with sexual themes of OCD. It doesn't mean anything. Your mind has made a connection between a circumstance (like seeing a male) and a sensation in your groin. It happens with lots of people and it scares the heck out of them but at the end of the day it's not a sign of anything. Human sexual response is pretty rudimentary and it's not hard for our minds to make somewhat sexual connections to the oddest things. What you do is ignore those sensations. Just let them happen and shrug them off.

[dksea]

First I'll say listen to Polar Bear, he's giving great advice.

Second, sexual orientation is a common OCD theme, it's one that I dealt with for a few years in high school and college. The good news is, like all OCD themes you can absolutely overcome the fear.

Third, from what I have read and from what I know from friends who are gay, there is a big difference compared to the anxiety OCD sufferers go through about being gay. Yes gay people face anxiety. But it's about things like being judged by others, harassed, etc. The actual being gay self is not something they have anxiety about.