Intrusive thoughts back after 5 years

[Guest nswitch]

Hi, I'm new here and part from compulsively checking things when i leave the house because Im convinced it will either blow up or be burgled, the main symptom of my OCD -intrusive thoughts-has been under control.

The trouble is, this part of my OCD tends to flare up when i am depressed or around death and it has started again because my grandmother is dying.

The thoughts tend to involve someone I love. I get there name or image and then this horrible compulsion to think about them dying in return for something I want. I never really string the ideas into a coherent thought, the idea is there. And then I obsess about whether I have really thought it, coherently and with meaning because if I have, the death will come to pass-especially if I go for what I want (these wants are generally ambitions, not things).

It tears me apart because I would never give the life of someone I love for something else but in the past I have actually stopped doing things or perusing ambitions because I believed it was the only way to keep my loved one safe.

I had one such thought about my grandmother years ago-her life for the achievement for an ambition. I managed to convince myself it was OCD and accept the thoughts. The ambition is now partly achieved. But now she is dying and since finding that out, it came back to me and I've convinced myself it is because of my thoughts.

My OCD is not as bad as it was because I have now identified it and I have a wonderful, supportive partner. But try as he might, he doesn't understand why i can't see these thoughts for what they are-just random ideas that pop into my head that can't hurt anyone.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I am all over the place at the moment. But I'm determined to beat these intrusive thoughts again.

[Guest nidu]

Hi..i think its better u dont care about ocd thoughts,they are just ocd thoughts which doesnt have any control on real life..n ua not alone ,even i am fully broken because of this ocd..but u dont let it to take over your life....take care

Edited January 22, 2015 by nidu

[Symps07]

Glad your trying to stay positive nswitch :original:

My sincerest condolences for your Grandmother. It'd not your fault, remember that.

From what you have said in your post, it appears to be magical thinking that you are going through. Is this correct?

[Guest nswitch]

Hi Symps07,

Yes it is-with a religious bent too as I believe I am making a deal with Satan. That was so hard to admit! Crazy thing is, I'm not a Christian but had a Christian upbringing!I am fighting this and just letting the thoughts play out while going through normal activities. I'm a much better today because of this. But I know the LCD will keep 'attacking' me while my grief is on going.

Thanks to you and midi for your condolences and replies.

[Symps07]

If it's hard to admit, then it's good you got it out in the open!

I have a similar issue to do with religion. I went to a C of E primary school, went to church with Cubs, etc..

I've not been religious for a long time, but OCD will find fears anywhere & bring them up unfortunetly :-(

Your doing great by letting the thoughts play out. With me, I am finding ruminating a big problem, but I try to cut off topics before they develop, distract myself & I went for a run today which helped me feel better.

Avoiding your compulsions is a must, but also reminding yourself that this is just OCD. In your grief & with the anxiety OCD creates, it'll be easy to lose yourself in your obsessions, so it'll be important to remind yourself that it is just OCD & to calm your thoughts & distract yourself.

[Guest nswitch]

I was a Catholic.I used to think I was evil despite the fact the thoughts are the opposite of everything I believe. But that's OCD for you, as you say. It drags up your worst fears and uses the against you.

I used to ruminate too. Did it again after this latest flare up but now I am being firm with myself. Made myself do some work towards my ambition today rather than avoiding it. It's been hard, but reminding myself that this is OCD, there is none of my will behind it is slowly having an effect. My nan would want me to fight this and I'm going to!

[Symps07]

That's a great attitude to have nswitch! :original: & I'm glad your putting actions into place, sitting & dwelling on fears is pointless, arguments just go round & round.

It sounds as though you are working your OCD & challenging it's meaning by putting things into perspective & rationalising what is real & what is illusion/fear. A good strategy I'm also trying to use, although sometimes when the panic sets in I forget to :-/

Remember, there's always people here to talk to if you need support :original:

Best of luck :original:

[Guest nswitch]

Thanks so much, symps07. I really know what you mean about the panic! It blinds you for a while doesn't it? I hope you are ok too and thanks for your kind,words and support. By darling nan passed last night. But I know she is safe and well now.