Complicated relationship with someone with OCD

[Guest Asha]

For the past two years I have been in an on-again off-again relationship with someone with OCD. When we were initially together he did not realise that he had OCD and neither did I, although it was obvious that he had some anxiety issues. Because the relationship went wrong the first time, wish was my fault, when we re-started a relationship he was very paranoid that it would go wrong and had huge issues trusting me. For many months now we have not been together but I have been supporting him and talking to him every day. He battles with his OCD about many issues but his main concerns are about our relationship and he seems incapable about making a decision about if he wants to be with me because he is scared that being in a relationship will hurt us both.

I know that he loves me and I love him too and I believe we are also now at a point where we both trust eachother. However he still finds it hard to know if being with me will make him happy or will make his OCD worse and also finds it hard to distinguish his real fears for our relationship with thoughts that are part of his OCD.

For a long time I have re-assured him over and over again about my feelings for him and my commitment to him but reading this website is making me question if this will simply have made him worry more. He is my best friend as much as anything and I'm desperately trying to make him happy but it has been draining me emotionally and my friends say that I have not been acting like myself and that it would be best for both of us if I left him alone. The idea of leading him alone scares me though because I can't imagine not having him in my life and I also feel like he needs my support and I want to be there for him.

[Guest gks444]

Are you with him now?

I have only just became aware of how my OCD/anxiety affected my relationship. I haven't been diagnosed as such but it is the only thing that's fit, has he been diagnosed? I can really relate to the problems you have (or he has more so). I have recently broken up with my boyfriend due to the doubts driving me mad and I can never seem to come to a decision in my head about what I wanted and still can't now. I had to get out in the end so I went home and if I think about what I would have wanted if I caught it earlier then it would have been support and recognition over what was wrong. The more you can understand about it the more you can help him. I think I constantly seeked reassurance and wanted my other half to okay my thoughts as such and I think it wasn't long before it would be something else that was in my head so I don't think that is the right way to deal with it which is what I'm learning. But too little too late! So maybe show him your support but in a way that acknowledges that they are part of his condition then help with distraction? I feel like him in terms of not knowing whether my boyfriend will make me happy and whether it's what I want; but the more I tried to answer that question the less I knew so I had to accept moving away from the searching and accept a decision for now to get myself back on track. I really commend you on hearing how he feels and supporting him through it because it isn't easy for you either! And they can be very distressing to hear! I think having to deal with me changed him and I think his friends may have noticed too. It is important to look after yourself to so make sure you take time out to do this!

Hope I've been some sort of help,

Gem.

[dksea]

Hi Asha, I'm sorry to hear about your situation and can appreciate the unique challenges that being with some one with OCD presents, I know it has affected my past relationships, especially the ones when I was younger and didn't have as good a grasp on my OCD. Its very thoughtful of you to not only be willing to persevere in the face of these challenges but also to reach out to a group like this to try and get help. Your friend/boyfriend is lucky to have you in his life.

One of the hardest things for friends and family to do when faced with trying to help an OCD sufferer is to avoid compulsive reassurance. Its only natural to want to try and calm someones worries by telling them things that, for most people, would be enough to do so. You mention in your post that you have reassured him over and over about your feelings and commitment, and yet he still suffers doubt. Unfortunately this is the heart of the problem with OCD sufferers, we experience these feelings of doubt even though we have sufficient (often far more than sufficient) evidence that should prove otherwise. Your intentions are noble and come from the right place, but something important that you'll learn when dealing with OCD is that repeated reassurance won't work, and in the long run is the wrong approach. In order for both you and your partner to be able to move on together you'll have to work on not giving in to his desires for reassurance, even though it might seem to you like the natural thing to do. It seems counter-intuitive but its really the right way to go.

If you are determined to try and work through this I recommend familiarizing yourself with OCD and its treatment. The links on the OCD-UK main site are a great place to start. By being informed you'll be able to better respond to your partner and help him along his recovery journey, if, that is he is willing to take the necessary steps to do so. That may, in fact, be the most important part. While your help would definitely be valuable its going to be necessary that he is willing to undertake the recovery steps himself in order to make real progress. Its absolutely possible to improve from OCD using therapy (and possibly medication like some of us). If he is willing to do the work then you can help him, but if he's not you may have to let him go and move on with your life. It wouldn't be fair to you to spend so much of your life devoted to someone who likely won't get better.