Hello - 17 years old, possible OCD sufferer

[Guest romolasgarai]

Hi.

I'm 17 and I think I have OCD. I went to the doctor over a week ago but for some reason I was having a good day so I sort of dismissed everything I've been experiencing. However, my mum has told my aunt, who is a child psychiatrist, what it is I have been going through, and she thinks it is OCD. She's given me a few tips as to how to start dealing with it but I'm finding it very hard.

I worry - for some reason! - that I want to hurt children. Actually, I don't think I ever will - but I worry that I want to. Some days it's children who are just a bit younger than me, other days it's very young children. As far as I know, before all this started, I never had any doubts about this.

I find it very difficult getting to sleep. During the day, I can do something to counteract the thoughts. At night, I am forced to confront them. My difficulty is - is it any of yours? - that, if I don't worry about this, I think I am an even worse person. As in, if I am some paedophile, shouldn't this be bothering me more?! So I think about it all more and worry more.

I try and tell myself that I am good person, a good person, a good person. And yet the doubts and fears keep rolling in. It's horrible, and at the moment, it's particularly horrible, because it's preventing me from doing as much revision as I'd like to do for my exams.

Does anyone else experience this? In particular, does anyone else experience the "I shouldn't stop thinking about this because if I do, I'm an even worse person" bit? I hope someone else does (just so I'm not alone, of course!)

Lastly, I'd say that it bugs me a little that what is known about OCD seems to be known about the compulsions side of OCD. There is less of an understanding, generally, about the obsessions side of it all, about how sinister these obsessions can be, and about how, often, it is these obsessions which drive the compulsions.

I don't really have any compulsions, I don't think. Sometimes, when I'm trying to get my mind off things, I make lists in my head. But otherwise, not many. Does this mean I don't have OCD?

I don't know if I'd mind if I were diagnosed with OCD - though of course it would be (and is) very annoying! My greatest fear is that, actually, I am just weird and evil and horrible. I don't know how I'd live with that - in fact, I don't think I would be able to.

Thank you.

[Guest gks444]

Hello romolas!

I relate to you! I'm a little older (23 now) but I first starting having similar thoughts when I was 16/17 and they literally ruined everything for me. I was in the middle of sitting exams too so I know how you feel.

I too struggle to determine compulsions but have obsessive cycles of thought. Previously I have thought I do have some like telling my parents the thoughts or trying to think about things in the right way or seeking reassurance. I don't know whether you relate to any of this? Intrusive thoughts can be present in other anxiety related illnesses aswell and the answer is always the same it's about relabelling them as just thoughts and not giving credit to them. Use distraction if it helps, I actually used my revision and tried to throw myself into that.

A lot of your fears sound similar to those experienced by people on here so you may pick up some tips on how to cope with them. Maybe try posting on the main forum as you will get more responses? I relate to thinking that if you stop thinking about it that means you are accepting it as real. This is not the case, it is not real and you have to see them for what they are just thoughts and because you are a good person it's making you question/worry about them in your head.

Hope this helps, you are 100% not alone.

Gem.

[Purplepiper7]

Hi Romolas, welcome. ().

My greatest fear is that, actually, I am just weird and evil and horrible. I don't know how I'd live with that - in fact, I don't think I would be able to.

I can relate to almost everything you've written, but this part resonated with me more so than anything. Like you, my worst fear is, in essence, being a bad person. I don't have anything else to add, Gem's advice is fantastic. Like Gem says, you're not alone.

:group:

[Guest romolasgarai]

Thank you Gem and Purplepiper7! I just woke up today and I felt so, so terrible, so I came straight on here in order to seek reassurance!

In reply to Gem, yes, I do think I have a few compulsions like that. For example, last night, I said to my mum, "I'm not a bad person, am I?" I didn't really mean directly in relation to the OCD - although, of course, that was what provoked the question. What I meant was "Throughout my life, in general, you haven't worried that I'm a bad person?" She said "no - of course not!" And yet, to be honest, it didn't really help. It's one thing someone telling you you're not a bad person; it's a whole other thing believing it.

Also, the exams bit is really stressing me out. On the whole, I work very hard, and I really want to do very well in these exams. Unfortunately, I'm not getting enough revision done. I'm getting some done - but not as much as I would like. But if you say you managed to throw yourself into revision, I will to!

In reply to both of you, one of my fears - and the worst of my doubts - is that, actually, I am a paedophile, and I really, actually do want to hurt children. Previously, I had these worries, but I could tell myself "but you don't actually want that". Recently, my fears have become more acute.

Thank you again for all your advice.

[Purplepiper7]

Hello Romolas, I used to worry (and still do, at times) that I wanted to do bad things to more "vulnerable" people (e.x; elders, toddlers). To be honest, my head is just a big jumble of fears surrounding morality and religion. Sometimes the intrusive thoughts are specific, but the great majority are broad. It just depends on what I'm doing I guess.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling bad this morning. I hope you feel at least a little bit better soon. (:group:)

[Guest romolasgarai]

Thank you!

And I hope everything gets better for you too xxx

[Guest gks444]

Yes romolas, sometimes the compulsions don't make you feel better but asking somebody whether you are a bad person is giving credit to the thoughts. They are just thoughts! I struggle to isolate compulsions but the answer is always the same with intrusive thoughts, discredit them. Thinking you have just accepting them and it getting more and more real and even false memories they are all little tricks the mind plays, cruel I know. But everytime they show up imagine them disappearing with the tide or visually throwing them in the bin (that's what they deserve); then say to yourself I am going to try and distract myself and maybe do some work. Along with that try some relaxation exercises to ease your anxieties; I find this gives me more strength to discredit the thoughts. Look at them from the outside in; what would somebody else say? Try not to use this website as reassurance, use it to give you ideas on what to do to help yourself. You will feel stuck in the mud; learn that that's okay and take small steps

Gem.

[Guest gks444]

And thanks purplepiper, so was yours

Edited April 12, 2014 by gks444

[Guest romolasgarai]

Thank you all xxx