Hi everyone im back...ocd and anxiety bad

[Guest ihaveocd23]

Hi its been a while since i last came on here...ocd uk has really helped me a lot...talking to people who feel the same, i hope you are all ok. I suppose that's what's happened i have had no support net work, no one to really talk to who understands.

I went to see the doctor again yesterday who increased my medication dose, i'm depressed, have bad anxiety and feel like giving up most of the time all through my 20's i have been struggling. My dad is rather ill at the moment with cancer iv'e been looking after him also working.

Then ocd creeps up the thoughts and checking i just want to run away.

I am still trying to live a normal life but how can i with all this i think who would want me in this state, how will i ever be able to have children because it wouldn't be fair on them.

I just feel so alone and a freak most of the time.

My mum cant bare to see me upset and doesn't know what to say, iv'e had cbt, seen psychologist's, i read self help books, and still this is ruining my life.

[Guest Sisyphus]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. It's really too much to contend with by anyone's standards so it sounds like you're actually doing really well. Butobviously all the extra stress/pressure is likely to make your OCD worse in some ways.

Have you really got no-one else to help, no brothers/sisters, relatives? Neighbours? Carers?

The fact is that, horrible as it all is at the moment, things *will* change. That's a fact.

If you've already overcome OCD once, then hopefully you're already equipped with the skills and experience to re-walk that road, and it'll be quicker this time.

And one day in the not too distant future you'll be able to consign this bad time in your life to memory and get on with your life how it ought to be.

I like your picture - it reminds me of the thing in Castaway about just carrying on breathing and keeping going because you never lknow what the tide will bring in tomorrow.

All the best,

David.

[Guest ihaveocd23]

Hi David no its sad isn't it really...who wants to be around someone who's depressed and has obsessive thoughts...its weird because i can try and help others but i cant help myself.

The doctor did say that i'm being too hard on myself expecting i should be able to cope, that it has brought out my ocd and anxiety.

I have people i could talk to but i don't believe they understand and i don't want pity.

I feel tired and exhausted with it all at times, i wish my brain would shut off.. i just want to go one day without feeling something bad's going to happen or i'm not good enough.

I don't want to check things over and over.

My friends just had a baby and i'm avoiding going to see her because in the past a lot of my thoughts were around her and her family i cant bare to go through that again. i know avoiding things only makes your obsession stronger.

I haven't overcome ocd but i thought i had a grip on it but deep down i don't think i will ever be happy if ocd is always there...

The only thing i can do is carry on, if i am happy i think whats going to happen...i constantly put down myself and my capabilities.

This is really the only place i don't feel judged.

Ashleigh

[Guest Sisyphus]

Oh Ashleigh,

I can identify with an awful lot of what you said there. I'm so sorry.

It's not fair that you have OCD AND work AND caring for your ill father to contend with.

I know what you mean about friends and pity - I tested the water telling some old colleagues and I kinda wish I hadn't now. One repsonded positively, some I've not heard off since, and others well, I'll never feel I can talk to them on even terms again. Maybe that's just me. I've come to the conclusion you've got to weigh people up before you choose to tell them or not, see if they'll take it well, if they've got any empathy. It tends to be people who've been through some stuff in life who are better. People who've only known success are rubbish with that kind of thing and say you're weak or something naive.

I wish I could shut my brain off at times too. Just an off switch for all the unnecessary rubbish. I question what purpose it serves nature, making people with flawed brains like this.

I dunno - I think there's an invisible line with avoidance where sometimes you seriously are better avoiding a trigger because you're too far gone for it to be of any benefit. I've deliberately exposed myself to things thinking it's bad avoiding them and it's done me absolutely no good whatsoever. So I think you need to judge when it's a realistic possibility too.

Yeah I know what you mean about sabotaging your own happiness too. I definitely used to do that before OCD found something to really get its stupid teeth stuck into.

The exhaustion is a difficult thing to contend with. It's not like a good night's sleep solves that problem either, cos if you get up with a head full of OCD, you're exhausted after half an hour of being up anyway. I used to find myself yawning an awful lot at work. And with headaches in the top/right/front of my head(frontal cortex I guess?).

I know it's the wrong time, but do you do anything exercise wise or meditation?

David.

[Guest ihaveocd23]

Hi David its okay i know i'm not the only person who struggles with ocd and anxiety, looking after my farther has made me worse i think seeing him like he is, he had chemo and radiation and is fed through a peg, my anxiety got worse around him but i have to be there.. I work in mental health and challenging behavior which can be stressful and i work up to 10/11pm so i don't get to sleep until 2am i wake up anxious, sometimes in the middle of the night, but i like my job and i am going back to college so i can improve my skills and then i will be applying for my access to nursing before September.

I just want to live a normal life, but then i doubt myself 'i wont be able to do that; or ' something will happen'. I feel like people put me down all the time and their words get stuck in my head.I am open and honest with people about my ocd and depression now more than ever but i don't think that they understand or get it. I don't think you can unless you have been through it.

I don't think you are weak because so many times ive not wanted to be here and iv'e carried on that's not weak.

Do you think exposure therapy doesn't work?? some days are worse than others i am keeping and anxiety, sleep and diet diary to see if there's a link, its something i haven't done so i'm giving it a try. i am on my feet at work a lot but apart from that i don't exercise but i want to do that i just don't need to loose weight and meditation i can't get into that alone. what things help you?

Ashleigh

[Guest Sisyphus]

Hi Ashleigh,

Hi David its okay i know i'm not the only person who struggles with ocd and anxiety, looking after my farther has made me worse i think seeing him like he is, he had chemo and radiation and is fed through a peg, my anxiety got worse around him but i have to be there..

Well thats got to be about as tough an ordeal as you can go through in life. And with work and OCD and everything else you probably feel guilty you're not doing enough, but it's simply all you can do under the circumstances. My mum had cancer twice and it was tough all round. This disease is so common now.

I just want to live a normal life, but then i doubt myself 'i wont be able to do that; or ' something will happen'. I feel like people put me down all the time and their words get stuck in my head.I am open and honest with people about my ocd and depression now more than ever but i don't think that they understand or get it. I don't think you can unless you have been through it.

I think I know what you mean - I have felt limited by this thing and its effects so it's put me off doing a lot of things because fear of it showing me up or sabotaging it somehow, or making my OCD worse. The limitations really get me down. I know I should be so much better than this. And people don't see that, only my limited self. And the judgements that go with that ... sheesh.

I know what you mean with people putting you down. I don't know if that's an OCD thing but I've had problems with this too. I feel like I've attracted a heck of a lot of unfair flak over the years, at work, school. It feels undeserved and unfair. And I wonder if there's something about me that attracts more flak or if my perception just thinks I'm getting more than other people. It's not a pleasant feeling when you start to expect it wherever you go. And when those situations kick off it can play havoc with my OCD, especially if it's a prolonged situation. I really hate that stuff. Had so much of it too.

Nooooo, I wasn't saying that exposure therapy doesn't work! I'm really not in any position to say that cos I've never done it, and I've seen/read/about where it has worked for people. So no, I'm not saying that. I mean that, in my own personal experience, I've found that forcing myself to be exposed to triggers has sometimes done more harm thatn good - I think it depends on how you approach it and the nature of the thing you're exposing yourself to. e.g. if someone's afraid of buttons, scary as it seems to that person, everyone knows the buttons don't actually pose a threat to them, and ERP would be very suited to that scenario. However if someone's scared of a gang of ten people who've made overt violent threats toward them, well maybe they've got a good point, and exposure isn't such a great idea in that scenario. And obviously there are more subtle variations in between the extremes. Furthermore, I suspect you need to be in the right frame of mind to undertake exposure - obviously you're never going to be thrilled about doing it, so it's knowing where to draw the line, but if you are in a very anxious, depressed or in a negative state, then maybe it's not such a great idea?

So that's why I say we need to keep our own counsel on when exposure is a good idea or not. But like I say, I haven't done ERP, and this is purely my own opinion based on my own life experience. Professionals or others here might well disagree with that point of view.

That diary sounds like a good idea - I'm never that organised. I'd fail straight away anyway because I drink tea all day long.

Well I'm probably not the best to ive advice on what's goo dfor OCD, but I have found that meditation helps to some degree. And I've recently started an ashtanga yoga class which seems to have an overall good effect on it - I'm practising it at home whenever I feel like it too. It's swings and round abouts. If your OCD is like mine, then you'd be very lucky for it not to trigger a few times during a class like that which does make it very tough during those moments, but the rest of the time - great. And better at home as more controllable and no audience.

I also find that listening to either classical music, film soundtracks, or ambient tracks on ytoutube helps calm me down sometimes.

But none of these are magic bullets I'm afraid.

I can tell you I used to smoke but oddly that never seemed to help and in the end it became a bit of a thing with my OCD - like so many cigarettes were getting spoiled by OCD, that I expected OCD to happen whenever I smoked, and kind of made it happen. It probably sounds silly but you've no idea how much anxiety and frustration that caused. So in the end I figured it'd make no difference if I just quit so I did to save money.

Oh and a thing that comes up an awful lot is how controlled breathing can have a positive feedback to the brain - this supports why yoga and meditation could help. I keep coming across thiss theme again and again. How you should slow your breathing and take bigger(not huge though) breaths when anxious. And if you continue to do that, whether you bloody well like it or not(!), you end up much calmer afterwards. I've got to be honest I have failed to apply that one myself but just talking about it makes me want to start trying it. My problem is though, when OCD hits me, without realising it, I start to breath very shallowly and often stop breathing altogether. This means if I'm doing it for like 15 mionutes or more, I feel genuinely ill and suffocated afterwards. I used to get into some really vile states at work.

So to recap, yoga, meditation, instrumental/ambient music, controlled breathing, and NOT smoking.

Cheers

David.

(sorry I've just realised I've typed loads there. This happens sometimes)

Edited April 12, 2014 by Sisyphus

[Guest ihaveocd23]

Wow you have wrote a lot.. that's okay, yes cancer is a horrible disease and what chemo and radiation does to you its awful.I keep having bad thoughts about my dad too which cause anxiety. I don't even want to write them down.

I know what you mean with people putting you down. I don't know if that's an OCD thing but I've had problems with this too. I feel like I've attracted a heck of a lot of unfair flak over the years, at work, school. It feels undeserved and unfair. And I wonder if there's something about me that attracts more flak or if my perception just thinks I'm getting more than other people. It's not a pleasant feeling when you start to expect it wherever you go. And when those situations kick off it can play havoc with my OCD, especially if it's a prolonged situation. I really hate that stuff. Had so much of it too.

I feel like that too,

How come you haven't done exposure therapy? I think you have to have time for it and with me that isn't the case, maybe i put it off, i don't know, i think everyone expects it to start working straight away and its a disappointment when it doesn't. these days i give up compared to when i was younger.

well done for quitting smoking, but its not a problem really for me in ocd just might check the ashtray a few times before i leave the house. I will give the meditation a go, and music is proven to change your mood and i like music. thanks for the tips again

Ashleigh

[Guest Sisyphus]

Wow you have wrote a lot..

I could type the hind and front legs off a whole squadron of donkeys Ashleigh. (squadron? yeah that's probably the right word. Yeah it definitely is.)

yes cancer is a horrible disease and what chemo and radiation does to you its awful.I keep having bad thoughts about my dad too which cause anxiety. I don't even want to write them down.

You don't need to, we all get the same thoughts at THE MOST inappropriate moments. I was talkign to somebody whose son has a brain tumour the other day. Like you, I won't bother telling you what wen through my head. Some things are best left un-said(and not ruminated over?!). I guess we have to accept we have this gremlin in our head that will throw this tediously predictable lies and nonsense up randomly, and learn to ignore it all instead of giving it the time of day. It distubrs you so, because it is foreign and abhorrent to you. Ironically, the very reason it bothers us so much is because it is NOT TRUE. If we truly understood that, perhaps we would not need to worry over or indulge these stupid thoughts any more.

How come you haven't done exposure therapy? I think you have to have time for it and with me that isn't the case, maybe i put it off, i don't know, i think everyone expects it to start working straight away and its a disappointment when it doesn't. these days i give up compared to when i was younger

Good question. I started CBT, fell out with the therapist, read Brain Lock hoping to apply that therapy, didn't, and am signed up to more CBT. In between I have been gradually working on trying to apply elements of the 4 Steps/CBT into dealing with my OCD and I have had some successses. Today for instance has been a very good day so far. DOH JUST CURSED IT.

I've managed to mostly ignore the triggers and doubts. But it's very cyclical. I'm fully expecting to have a day soon where I'm bombarded with triggers and end up responding to them all. Seems to go that way for some reason. But I keep trying and I really hope I am slowly getting better.

So I think the answer is I am doing exposure therapy in a half-@rsed freestyle way - exposing myself to some of my triggers and not responding to them. It's a big relief and a little victory for me whenever I can do this. But it is a *very* swings and roundabouts thing. Good and bad days. My sleep goes like this too. Terrible periods and good periods.

well done for quitting smoking, but its not a problem really for me in ocd just might check the ashtray a few times before i leave the house. I will give the meditation a go, and music is proven to change your mood and i like music. thanks for the tips again

Well you know what. I never really quit - I just stopped buying them one day cos I was sick of the cynical price increases and I was so low that I figured it just made no difference if I smoked or not. I fully expected to go buy them the day after, or the day after that. I slept an awful lot for a week or two and somehow I'm still going a year later. Which is strange really. I'm not sure if I'll go back to smoking when Im working again. It's not a very PC thing to say but I love smoking - it was a big part of my life and I miss the HELL out of it! Just came down to basic economics in the end I'm afraid. Well that plus what I said about OCD gradually spoiling the experience for me.

David.

Edited April 12, 2014 by Sisyphus

[Guest ihaveocd23]

Thanks that's really helped me, you sound you know what to do and how to think

Least you have your good days, it seems like your doing well.

I think we all have our ups and downs, but there's no quick fix to ocd. I think you have to want to put the effort in with tackling ocd otherwise it will get worse.

Ashleigh

[Guest Sisyphus]

Cool

Well maybe I painted a rosy picture there. But it's all relative isn't it. So a day with say 100 compulsions is way better than a day with 2000. Things moving in the right direction.

Other days I feel like I'm back at square one and there is no hope - like someone said yesterday, you start questioning if the good days were just flukes, something you ate, and you've made no progress at all. Horrible feeling. This really is the most treacherous condition. I hope one day they can eradicate it completely somehow. Or are we missing the big picture and there's some bigger reason why we have this thing. Wow that's way too deep. Nah - burn it.

Edited April 12, 2014 by Sisyphus

[Guest ihaveocd23]

Yes your right small steps are better than one big one.

The french refer to ocd as the doubting disease and they are right.

I think its a number of things that causes ocd and its different for each person, because we are all unique. we just have to find a way to cope with it without it interfering with our lives.

[Guest Sisyphus]

Yes your right small steps are better than one big one.

The french refer to ocd as the doubting disease and they are right.

I think its a number of things that causes ocd and its different for each person, because we are all unique. we just have to find a way to cope with it without it interfering with our lives.

Well one big one would be fine too! But unlikely I guess. So small steps is all I can do. It's funny though yknow after I wrote that to you about how I was having a good day and how now I'd cursed it, sure enough the thoughts started coming. How annoying is that? Thought is the enemy.

You know it's funny - that reminds me - I went and did this ayahuasca thing in late 2012 and it makes you have crazy thoughts or visions. Anyway it didn't go so well cos of OCD, but apart from that, one thing I did see was a guy telling me how all excess thought is completely unnecessary because we know what we know and and what we know is all we need to get us through life. And there's simply no need to keep picking over it - it's there for keeps. And the rest is all just totally unnecessary garbage. And we need to learn to get rid of all that excess garbage with meditation. Being a complete dumbo I ignored this. The interesting thing about this was it was a good 2 months or so before I stumbled on the fact I had OCD.

there's probably nothing to that but it just made realise - I pretty much had the answer right there if I'd listened to it. Well maybe. It's a nice idea anyway.

The French are right about that. I wonder if Eskimos get OCD. It's hard for me to picture that.

[Guest ihaveocd23]

That's just typical, its like ocd just wants to ruin everything, each day is different. Today I started to obsess about a past thought and I then started to cry, I found a few books that I used to write in, in the depths of ocd and that made me cry too, id even made a list of all the places I checked, answers to all my thoughts, in hope it would bring me relief. I then started to cry again, and started to say I don't want bad things to happen, if i'm a bad person I should be punished now.

I don't know if anyone has wrote stuff down like me? I don't know if this is normal??

Sometimes I think I don't know much, but I have come this far

Ashleigh

[Guest Sisyphus]

God I'm sorry you're having a bad day there Ashleigh. Sunday's can totally blow for no apparent reason anyway I find. Mine's not going great to be honest - lot of noise from new noisy neighbours. It's like they know and they're trying to make as much noise as possible. I should probably go for a walk but I find even that difficult on the bad days! Plus I had things I wanted to get done here first. Any noise/distraction and I've had it. Anyway they seem to have calmed down for a bit and I've calmed my OCD down too so onwards and upwards :bounce8:

Sometimes your peace is sabotaged though isn't it and it's hard to remain calm, empty headed. I find I need more peace and quiet and time thatn most people to accomplish things - well anything requiring reading/concentration anyway.

Sometimes I find crying very cathartic, but obviously there's a cut off, and I guess crying about distressing things is no good. Did something triugger the old memory or was it just your mind wandering?

I've never written about my OCD other than a list oif symptoms for the quack or CPN/therapist. I've heard people say how writing stuff down is good, but I've never tried it. Oh and some people say write yourself a letter, which seems odd to me.

I get this feeling too, like everything I read, every bit of therapy, all the wisdom I've read on here was all wasted on me and I've made nor progress, but then I make stridees like yesterday and realise that's not true. It does soak in one way or another and you do end up applying it whether you like it or not. It's just a slow process changing your brain chemistry I think. It aint a cut and dry thing. Meanwhile life cdarries on, bad things can happen, there can be setbacks. But you've just got to keep pointing in the right direction regardless.

Have you been out in the sun today?

David.

[Guest ihaveocd23]

Hi David, your right life does carry on, bad things can happen, but i don't want them to.

You should try writing it does help me , and i think you can look back, because we often forget the good days and focus on the bad.

I think i used to write a lot because i just doubted myself so much so i thought if i write things down i could look back, different things help different people,.

and i hate being distracted i am very easily distracted and it doesn't help.

Anyway hope your well

Ashleigh