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Guest def

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Hi, I'm posting this as right now it seems it's the only thing I can do. I have not been diagnosed with OCD, nor have I seen a doctor, but from research done online my symptoms seem to fit symptoms of OCD. My current problem is that I'm in Australia, I leave in a month to go back to the UK so in the mean time I'm not entirely sure what good seeing a GP over here will do.

I'm currently 23 years old and male. As a child I always had tendencies that maybe at a stretch could be considered OCD, for example if I were to cross the road, once I realised I was about to cross the road, before I hit the tarmac I would have to walk on an even amount of paving stones, or if I were to brush my right shoulder against a wall I would then have to turn back and brush the left should against the wall in exactly the same way. If someone would tap my right should, which my brother done a lot, he would then have to tap my left shoulder exactly the same, which he would do wrong on purpose. When going to sleep I would struggle to get to sleep if my brother didn't say goodnight after I said it, or if he would then whisper the goodnight so that I wouldn't be sure if he had said another goodnight, which would put the amount of goodnights said out of balance...this would often last between 10 minutes and an hour every night. Again, I would never react to badly, but the above did cause frustration and a lot of it still does, even though I've learnt to deal with most of it now.

The above isn't what I'm worried about however, I just thought a bit of background may help, and to be honest I need to vent a bit as I'm having a pretty bad day. What worries me the most are what I've found to be called "intrusive thoughts", for the past few years I've had intrusive thoughts. The majority are sexual however some are violent, I'm not sure if the violence is related however as I've dreamt of the violence before whereas I have never dreamt the sexual thoughts, my opinion is that the violence was most likely a build up of anger and stress and to be honest that I don't find hard to live with, even if I do find it uneasy. What I've been struggling with have been the sexual thoughts, I have no desire to act out any of them and it all makes me sick to my stomach, but I can't stop the thoughts from coming through. The only way I can explain it is...when you're in the shower, and you hold your hands out to catch the water, there's gaps in your hands so the water drips through slowly, and then once your hands are completely filled with the water you just open them, and the water comes crashing down.

The thoughts tend to drip through slowly, they have an effect but I can handle them, even accept that I have no control over what I'm thinking, but then one day the barrier disappears and all the thoughts come crashing through and I struggle to cope with them. I feel as if I'm on the verge of a breakdown, every time it happens I just get angrier and angrier, all I wanted to do was take my laptop and smash it against something, I feel exhausted, angry, anxious and just want a way out...the only thing that seems to calm me is sitting down under a warm-cold shower, but I can't sit under a shower all day...I've never spoken to anyone about this, and the first time I had one of these bad days was the worst, at the time I thought my thoughts were a representation of my desires, which absolutely horrified me. It took me a while and some very dark days to realise that what I'm thinking isn't a representation of what I desire and that I have no control over my thoughts, but have every control over my actions and would never be able to carry any of them out, but with that said, the thoughts are enough to drive me insane.

I wrote a bit more than I thought I would there, I realise only a GP or someone qualified could ever diagnose whatever my thoughts are, but it's bank holiday weekend, no doctor surgeries open and I'm on the otherside of the world, so I'm hoping this post will help me get through today.

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Guest ananke

Poor you, that sounds exhausting. It does sound a lot like OCD, but I'm in no way a professional so bare that in mind. Even if you are going back to the UK soon, maybe seeing a doctor as soon as you can would be worth it, just for some peace of mind. Having to constantly hold in intrusive and horrible thoughts is stressful and can make you feel mad. Do you have some sort of journal or blog where you can write down what you are going through, or even better anyone you feel comfortable enough talking to about them?

Upsetting thoughts can be hard to deal with- one thing you could try is CBT. In my anxiety group they tell us to challenge negative intrusive thoughts with evidence (e.g. would you really do that, how often do you actually do that, what would you say to a friend in this situation). Another is mindfulness- learning to be aware of how you are thinking and feeling without judging yourself.

Urgh holidays are the worst. I had a really bad depressive episode over Christmas and of course, my GP wasn't open and my therapist was on holiday! Mental illness doesn't stop when its inconvenient! I hope you can see a GP or someone soon!

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I'm thinking of doing it, I don't know maybe he'll be able to speed up the process a bit for when I get home.

I don't keep a diary, with that said I've written a few things down here and there and they have helped, so it might be worth giving that a go again. I've got people I can talk to, but at the same time, how do you explain to someone what you're seeing? People who see you as happy go lucky, not a care in the world, and then suddenly get a look into your mind that shows the complete opposite of that? I know my friends and family wouldn't turn their back on me and that thought doesn't worry me so much, but I am afraid it may change things...

That sounds like helpful advice, I'll give it a try. Thanks for replying :)

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