PLEASE HELP FOCUS OF HOCD

[Guest help23]

Hi Guys!!

I'm literally panicing right now. I just can't tell where I am anymore. I knew when this started that it was HOCD, but now I struggle to see if it is. I don't get the same relief. And my OCD focus' on certain people which is awful. I can't work out if I just don't like this person or if I actually am attracted. I don't know what the difference is anymore. And then when I manage to think logically well intense stress and disliking a person isn't attraction then I think well what if its internalized Homophobia and thats why I hate this person. A therapist suggested I may dislike the person because of my OCD. But the problem is I just don't know anymore. The only time I get a bit of peace is when i'm with my boyfriend. And I just feel content which is lovely. But I always worry that Im not attracted to him, all the time. And then when I see him I realise I am. I managed to work myself up for hours the other night before he came round because I was worried I wouldn't feel attracted or wouldn't have a good time. And then he walked through the door and I was immediately happy. But then I worry that I don't feel happy enough which could be because the OCD is bad because I often feel numb. I'm just so tired. I wish the person who my ocd has latched onto at the moment would just go away but they are my friends girlfriend. And its horrible. I got really annoyed earlier because the kitchen had been rearranged because she has been round and I got really really angry like when you can feel it in your chest, but then I worry that that feeling is something else. I just don't know how to deal it anymore. Sometimes I check my feelings for my boyfriend by imagining situations where I would lose him and I try to see what my emotional response is in comparison to me losing someone in my family. Which makes me feel terrible. And I also always worry that although I've been diagnosed with OCD that maybe I've read enough stuff online that I can just make whats happening to me sound like OCD. Someone please help. My whole personality feels like its been ruined. I don't ever want to travel on my own to a different country because I'm terrified that I would meet a women that would make me a lesbian or something. I just can't tell anymore. Some people in my family are homophobic which scares me because what if that made me have internalised homophobia.

I just want to know how can I honestly tell the differance between when its ocd now so that I don't end up ruminating as well. Because I just can't tell and then immediatley start ruminating.

[PolarBear]

Well one clue is that you're ruminating. People in general don't ruminate over their sexuality. They just are and they accept that. The fact that you're ruminating over things ought to be a big sign that you are dealing with OCD.

It also sounds like you have some relationship obsessions going on. Checking your feelings for your boyfriend by imagining situations where you would lose him is not normal and could be a compulsion. As you said it makes you feel terrible so why keep doing it unless it's a compulsion?

Are you seeking any help to deal with your OCD? It sounds like you have more than one thing going on.

[Guest help23]

I think the problem is that I keep having the thought that if someone is finding out about their sexuality surely they would think about it. I don't think it would be as bad if it hasn't attached itself to certain people....and I can't find much online about that happening to people. I just hate it I can't enjoy normal moments with my boyfriend anymore, if he is holding me my brain is just wondering how much I'm actually enjoying it. Its awful and makes me feel exhausted.

I am, yes. I have a CBT therapist via the NHS but in some ways I don't know if I like my therapist.

[PolarBear]

Liking your therapist isn't a prerequisite for getting help. You should be identifying the compulsions you perform and working to resist and stop them. I'm sure ruminating is a big compulsion of yours.

[Guest help23]

Ok. The thing is though as much as I try to tell myself its OCD the one thing that always throws me. Is the girl that my OCD seems to have latched onto, if I even think about her I get so angry my heart rate goes up massively, and I feel so stressed and this pressure around my heart. And this always throws me back into rumination because I don't understand why it has such as effect on me. I never get that feeling from anyone else and its horrible. I worry that its actually because I like this person and am attracted. It leads me to start thinking ok well if its anger or something why is it so intense and why have I never felt something as intense in the opposite feelings of happiness and love. And this is the one question I wish I could get an answer to. And I know thats bad, but I just want to understand why it goes up so that I can be like rights thats OCD.

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi help23. Sorry to hear you feel so bad. To me this sounds like a classic case of OCD. The feelings of anxiety, fear, anger etc are all symptoms of anxiety not attraction - they have latched onto this one person because that is what your OCD has latched onto - it can latch onto anything. In this case it has probably attached itself to a person because this is where your doubt is focused - "it can't be OCD because why would it latch onto one person." OCD sees gaps in your armour, doubt and uncertainty, and then it mercilessly focuses on that.

The key to recovering from OCD is to stop all compulsions despite all the doubt you feel. This goes against all our natural instincts, and this is why OCD is so hard to recover from. Nobody can tell you with certainty that you're not gay - at least not to the satisfaction of OCD. You need to take a leap of faith, pretend that you believe it is OCD, and stop all your compulsions - this includes ruminating, which I suspect you do a lot of.

Good luck x

[Guest vale]

Help23

my English level is not the best, it is not my native languaje

I just want to say that you are not the only one on this boat, hocd

[Guest help23]

Thank you for all of the replies, Its been another month that has been hard some things have gotten better. I don't avoid my friends now. But I still struggle with the fact that its latched onto this girl. I don't see her often but she is my best friends girlfriend so she is still someone that is mentioned, photos on Facebook news feed that make me spike etc. The thing is when I even see a photo of them together I just feel immense hatred almost, or even something that feels like jelousey/anxiety which I don't understand and is half my problem I think. I really am struggling to see this aspect as OCD which scares me because it makes me feel like i'm jelouse of one of them, and I have absolutely no feeling for my male friend never have we've been best friends for a few years but then it makes me think that its something to do with her then. This is the main problem I have at the moment I'm really trying to understand how that is OCD. Like in the last half an hour some photos came up of them from there trip somewhere and I tried exposing myself as my therapist said but it feels like anxiety mixed with intense hatred and I don't understand entirely where the hatred comes from if it is hatred. Because I'm not exactly a fan of this girl but its awful. And then I'm going to my boyfriends now and because I've had that intense emotion and its made me panic I feel so guilty towards him. I'm really stuck in a rut on this. Can anyone shed some light?

[PolarBear]

Believe it or not you need to stop trying to understand how it can all be OCD. You have a basic understanding that you are dealing with OCD and that's enough. Sitting there trying to figure it out is ruminating and that's a compulsion -- something you don't want to do. You need to take a leap of faith that the problem is OCD and then treat it as OCD.

So obviously this person is a trigger for you. I suggest you expose yourself to her, by looking at her picture. Let the anxiety build up. Practice not performing compulsions. Ruminating is likely one of your big compulsions. Think to yourself, It's just a picture. Look at the picture and refuse to get into mind debates about it. Look for a good five minutes, let the anxiety build and then go on and do something else, letting the anxiety bleed away.