Was doing much better

[Running Lover]

Was doing so well then a few things on here have triggered me in to panic mode. I started to scan and caught on to something that happened when I was 17 years old now I'm worried it was wrong but I've never ever thought about it till now. As a more mature adult it's not something I would do but looking back maybe it was wrong. Nobody got hurt. Now I feel like I have to contact my boyfriend from years and years ago to see what he thinks. I don't think this is ocd because it's an actual event so I'm not sure how to determine the guilt aspect and what should be done. Who do I tell what do I do?? So confused.

[Guest HeadAboveWater]

I know it's hard Poppy, but the only thing you should do is: TELL NO ONE AND DO NOTHING about this thought (whether it was real or not). You are reacting to it the wrong way. Try to let the thought or memory linger in your head... let the anxiety be there but DO NOTHING.

Hard to hear, I know. It is difficult for us all to do nothing when we are experiencing the worst fear and anxiety of our lives... but we need to let go in order to get better.

[Running Lover]

I'm back to square one. It's something that happened when I was 17 that I never even thought about until something triggered me when I read something on here. Now I'm worried I did something bad and feel I should tell the authorities. I didn't realise it was something that might be taken seriously. I was 17 and didn't think twice. Now I can't make a judgment if it is really bad or not? I don't no who to turn to to ask. My partner just got really mad and said he can't take anymore of this. I feel bad he's under so much stress but if I've done something bad I want to be punished in whet ever form suitable. I believe if you do bad thighs you should accept the relevent punishment. Please help me. I can't cope.

[Running Lover]

Sorry I can spell its my stupid tablet

[Miranda123]

As head above water said, do nothing Poppy. You have got to leave it alone - whatever may have happened when you were 17 is not comething you can change now, don't waste your time and energy worrying about it. It's ridiculously hard i know and you will feel so uncomfortable, but that feeling is only temporary and it really will get better. Ignore all the 'what ifs' or any other doubts, let them be and get on with your day. You are very safe, nothing is going to happen to you just keep distracted, don't let this win.

[Running Lover]

In really freaking out now big time. I can't weigh up what to do. I've googled the thing and the general consensus I can see is it was wrong so what do I do. I'm lost completely lost. I've never thought about it until now. I didn't realise it was anything serious I was 17 and foolish. I'm now many many years older in a relationship and have a family. I don't know what to do with myself. I actually feel like If I have to carry in life with these horrid things on my mind I can't carry on. I'm devastated

[Guest nervous]

Hi Poppy, I think you need to go back and look at your first post in this thread. You said that you were doing so good and something triggered a thought, you have to go back and realize that this is all this is. Something you read or saw makes a certain thought pop into your head and then you obsess about it trying to figure it out. You have to realize that the road to a happier life is going to be a straight line, there will be ups and downs. I have recently made some big progress but I still have days where I feel like I am back to where I was, it hit me hard the first couple of times it made me feel like I lost all my progress and got nowhere. Now I just tell myself that I am having a bad day, it'll pass and I'll try again the next day. I find I get back on track much faster this way.

[PolarBear]

You are doing all the wrong things. Googling is a compulsion in this case. You are clearly ruminating about this situation. Also a compulsion. Your behavior is making things much worse. Compulsions only reinforce the obsessions and make them come back harder and stronger.

The fact that you are performing compulsions is a clear indicator that the original thought (that you did something wrong when you were 17) is an obsession and that all spells OCD.

You need to resist doing those compulsions. Try very hard to do so. Live with the anxiety but give the thoughts no attention.

[Running Lover]

Can I just ask though. If it was a real event which in this case it was. Just like the 2 who were posting last night had a "real event" so it's something that actually happened how do you cope with that I'm confused was doing so well and bang all gone. The thing I don't get is when I was 17 I didn't see it as a big deal at all now after reading bits it seems it could be and therefore I'm not sure who to tell. My boyfriend at the time ( when I was 17) was involved obviously so I don't know of to get in contact some how and ask his opinion. I know now years and years later I wouldn't dream of doing what I did but I was young and very very silly. I didn't even think of it as being a problem but as an adult I can see it's not the done thing.

[PolarBear]

It doesn't matter if a real event is involved. That has nothing to do with the situation. For the most part, perhaps with the exception of magical thinking, all OCD themes are based on some kind of reality.

The problem is that you are obsessing about this incident that happened in the past. That's got OCD written all over it.

You don't tell anyone about it. That's confessing and that is a compulsion.

[Running Lover]

So what do you do when you know you've done something wrong and should be punished? Granted nobody was harmed.

[PolarBear]

You're not the only person to ask that question on the forum.

You are trying to rationalize an irrational disorder. It doesn't work. The average person would have forgotten about that incident long ago or laugh about it now. You are overestimating how important that incident is now. It's not.

You carry on with your life without giving any more attention to the situation.

[Running Lover]

I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm tired I'm so very tired and so very sad. I can't stand the thought of living the rest of my life like this its no standard of life. Even when I am feeling brighter like yesterday until I read something on here that triggered me, I'm just waiting for it to come get me. Feel so bad don't know how much more I can take. Still on the waiting list for cbt probably about 130 days now?

[PolarBear]

In the mean time you practice resisting your compulsions. That's what they're going to teach you in CBT. You are ruminating about this situation, wanting to confess, both compulsions.

[Guest nervous]

you say that you are stuck on this is because it was a real event that happened but that is often the case with people who have ocd. The problem isn't the event it is how much importance you are putting on it and as long as you keep doing compulsions you will not be able to see that. I'll give you a example in a different ocd theme so maybe you can understand what I mean. I have contamination ocd so I might be obsessing about some event like my jacket touches something like a cross walk button. I will feel that this happened and I must remove the coat without touching it and either wash it or throw it away. I know this event happened, I'm sure of it, I saw it with my own eyes, I felt the jacket sleeve touch the cross walk button. Now you might laugh and say well that's no big deal and not at all the same thing but you can't imagine how much importance I put on something as small as this. In your case you remember this event and become convinced that somehow this terrible situation but must be corrected or you cannot go on with life but it is really just your ocd telling you this moment is worth so much, The same as me freaking out because my jacket touched a button. It really happened, but it is not as big a deal as my ocd is telling me it is.

[Running Lover]

But you couldn't get in to trouble for what you did and it's not morally wrong where as mine is. This is why I have an issue. It's wrong I shouldn't have done it. Looking back I can't believe I did and I'd tell a 17 year old not to as not appropriate behavior. I can't believe I've never let it bother me till now. I've had the odd time when I've thought wish I hadn't done that but nothing more until this.

[Guest nervous]

The point was that you are exaggerating how big of a deal it was, Offering any more explanation would start to get into a reassurance. You have to realize this moment in time hasn't been your first obsession and probably won't be your last, in time it will fade until you the next obsession comes along. You have to endure this feeling long enough without fighting to realize that as much as everything is telling you have to do something you actually don't. Like PB is telling you researching and googling information or trying to get in contact with your old boyfriend is just a compulsion and the more you do it the more the feeling will continue

[Running Lover]

I've just spoke to my partner of many years who has gone nuts! I don't know if its because he's disgusted in me? I won't let me tell him full story said he doesn't want to know anything about ex partners but I think he thinks in disgusting as I told him part of it. I just don't know what to do. If I should call police etc

[Kitty Kay]

I don't think this is ocd because it's an actual event so I'm not sure how to determine the guilt aspect and what should be done. Who do I tell what do I do?? So confused.

Hey, PoppyRose

Didn't you help me to see yesterday that OCD can hook into a real event?

xx

[Guest nervous]

The further down the rabbit hole the worse this is gonna feel

[Running Lover]

Yes but yours isn't as bad. I don't personally think you did anything wrong. But it's made be think of something which happened many years ago when I was a teenager (17) that I now consider wrong. Seeing the thread unfold its totally made me scan and latch on but I'm 100% right in thinking it was wrong. I'd be horrified if my 17 year old child would to say to me that they had done as I had.

[Guest nervous]

But you didn't think so back then.

[Running Lover]

No I thought it was mischievous and fun loving. Now I think its revoulting and totally inappropriate

[Kitty Kay]

PoppyRose, I did wonder if the thread would be triggering for others, I'm so sorry that it was for you.

But didn't you also tell me that a reasonable response to my memories was, well maybe I wish it hadn't happened, but nobody got hurt?

It's very sad that this illness stops us taking our own advice so much of the time.

Don't let this take hold, PoppyRose. If I could go back to my teens and early relationships there are a hundred things I would change. Who wouldn't say the same?

xx

[Guest nervous]

exactly, so there are two points here, one most of us have done things when we were teenagers that we are not to proud of when get older, but that is part of living and one of the nice things about getting older is that we have become better people even though we all thought we were so smart back then.

Second point and more importantly our ocd will change and take different points or our life seem to take on a whole new meaning to themselves. I didn't always have ocd and years ago I can remember doing things like filling up my car with gas and then going in to pay for the gas, buying some food and eating as I drove away....Without ever washing my hands!!!!! This might seem like no big deal to you but for me, I can't believe it was me. I was thinking this morning how if I went to the doctors office when I came home I wouldn't have even changed my clothes when I got home, I would have just flopped down on the couch and turned on the tv. The idea now seems ridiculous and disgusting but back then I didn't give it a thought. Now OCD tells me these are a big deal and I must do something to fix them. If I follow my ocd it will never end and it is a constant battle to stop listening to this ****. I know you can't believe it but this is the same thing you are doing now.