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feel like I havnt been honest with you all


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The people on this site are my lifeline,and the only people I can talk to about certain things,youve given me amazeing support but I feel like your support has been unjustified as I havnt told you the whole story,youll probably see me in a different light now but if you can could I have some help

I recently posted about guilt over a fantasy,i left major bits out,not intentionally to deceive you,its just it wasvdealt with in my head and I was just focusing on my initial fear

I am a good man but I have done dreadful things to the person who loves me most and I am now getting what I deserve.

Untill last year I had a major problem with drink,i dont drink aanymore and the soberness is makeing me see what an awful man ive been and I cant live with myself

Ive been with my wife 13 years,in our early daze I got very very drunk and something happened with her sister,no sex but something,the next morning I told her,not to relieve my guilt but to be honest,she forgave mee although I know it always hurt her,for a while we were stronger than ever but as the years past we loved eachother but grew so distant,we would have sex maby once every six months,just got stuck in a rut,arguing and becomeing bitter and resentful to eachother,over these years I would fantasize about other women sometimes,and occasionally her sister,at now time could I ever not want to be with my wife,but I got more of a drunk and we had no sex life,heres were it gets darker,i rember being drunk at a family party and crashed out onthe edge of her sisyers bed,another time when I was drunk I rember comeing back from the shop and looked through the window as her sister was down and I went to walk in the house but the door was locked so I went home.

I put these things to the back of my mind as nothing actualy happened apart from the time I was honest with my wife about,i put it to the back of my mind,gave up drink and concertrated on being a good husband,our sex life was still dead but I thought things were better untill I discoverd her telling another man on the web she loved him and wanted to be with him along with hundreds of naked photos to echother,the fallout was huge,i beleave her when she said she did it all for attention as I didnt compliment her,i forgave her instantly,and it made me take a look at how I need to make her feel desired,we came out stronger and it was all looking great,when my mind started searching for something to ruin it,and it came up first with the fantasys witch ive had great advice for but now its come up with me looking through the window,crashing on her bed and wondering what my intentouns were,althougj nothing happened

Ive changed so much in the last year,i am a sober better person,i treat my wife like the queen of the world,witch she is to me and will never let her down again,its as if weve fallen in love all over again,but I feel we cant move forward unless I tell her about the window the door,crashing on her bed or the fantasys,it just seems like my pile of drunken **** is growing and growin

I just want to draw a line in the sand, leave the past in the past and focus on the present and future

Telling her these things would do nothing but lower her self asteem and put us back when weve come so far,any tips on how to let it go,or im woorid ill tell her,i feel like glueing my mouth shut,i know ive had advice before but as youve read I went round to her house,so there may have been intent,i cant do this any more without your suppotlrt

Please please help me

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This is getting out of hand,its becoming all consuming,ive just remembered I once had an intrusive thought that if my partner wasnt around I could do what I want,i wasnt on a bad episode then so I just pushed it away,in the last few weeks its throwing mistake after mistake at me,i dont recognize who I was,i was so heartless,i didnt realize how awful I was

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Thanks pb,im realy trying to but although nothing else happened after the time I admited to I still feel its a whole mess of deceit that she deserves to kno

w,

although I know theres nothingvto tell exept thoughts and maby intention,itwas all so long ago,does she deserve to know

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Guest nervous

Hi, still fighting with this one, I can see where your at but it doesn't change the that you are still dealing with the same thing you are obsessing about an unwanted thought. I can imagine that this takes up a considerable amount of your time thinking about this, couldn't that time be used for something more constructive? Like improving you marriage? It sounds like you are both committed to building a happier relationship and that is a good thing. You have also gave up drinking and are being more attentive to your wife. It sounds like you are on the right track and that obsessing or confessing is not going to help the situation. In life we must be responsible for our actions but our thoughts come and go and don't really mean as much as give them credit for.

My thoughts give me fear and in the height of it I will do whatever I can to rid myself of them, Your thoughts give you guilt and you will do whatever you can to try to make that feeling go away. But we shouldn't try and stamp this feeling out it is just a normal feeling and this how we grow as people the sad thing for people with ocd is that whatever we do try and rid ourselves of this feeling will only make it worse. We need to feel these things and if you can trust it long enough you can see it won't seem as big as you think

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Guest lizinlondon

Hey Battlethough. Nice to hear from you again. You have made such amazing progress, you deserve to give yourself a massive hug and congratulate yourself. I think your anxiety is trying to drag you down. Ignore it and get on with loving your family. OCD tries to destroy everything we cherish. I can't see that you have done anything wrong.

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Thankyou everyone for your kind words,i was comeing to accept that the fantasys didnt need to be said and then suddeny,these to drunken times I rember drunkenly lying on top of her bed,and trying to get in but the door was locked,i dont know why I did this,whether I had intention to hurt my partner again or maby as it was a sexless marrige I saw it as a way out,

I thank god nothing happened those times as like ive said ive made huge progress with my wife,and non drinking will protect me from doing things I regert,but if I had intent my brains telling me thats as bad as doing it,i cant divide it and still feel unfaithfull for doing it

Not only that im now telling myself I must be a stalker,its crazy as I know deep down I have huge morals and all this goes against all my moral values

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Guest nervous

Glad to hear that you are starting to see this as just an unwanted thought. There is a saying "a man's (or woman's) personality is not shaped by what he experiences but by how he reacts to them"

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Guest lucylia

Although I am so open and honest with my fiancé about my OCD and the themses it takes, there is ALOT he doesn't know about me. Things is one before we met and during the course of our relationship. For some reason (this will come back and bite me on the ass now lol) but I don't feel guilt for these things. I'm not going into detail. But I haven't exactly been an angel. Point being, alot has changed, and it would only hurt outlet whole family if I "got this off my chest"..... So what's the point?? I've had millions of bad and sexual thoughts about other men when with my fiancé and I've done silly things during a very rough patch. I'd he deserve it? NO! But after we have made so many improvements to our relationship and he is happier than he has ever been, does he deserve to be crushed by my hurtful confession?? NOOOOOO! And neither does your wife. Put a different spin on this. I think you should feel guilty for even contemplating confessing any of these silly things that happene in the past. Absolutely NOBODY stands to gain from this. And as much as you feel it will "clear your conscience" .... You WILL regret it. Forgive yourself, keep loving her like you are and live your life in peaceful bliss :-) xx

Lucy xxx

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Guest lizinlondon

Glad to hear that you are starting to see this as just an unwanted thought. There is a saying "a man's (or woman's) personality is not shaped by what he experiences but by how he reacts to them"

Like that quote Nervous x

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Hi Battle, OCD is a very personal and intimate struggle. It can hit us in some of the most sensitive and private parts of our life. Sharing the details a outs our anxieties and fears is hard because of the personal nature and often our fears of being judged by others for the anxieties we have. Just telling someone you HAVE OCD can be a struggle, let alone the nature of our fears. But supporting each other and helping to overcome OCD doesn't require you to tell all the details, especially if you aren't ready. We all need time to be ready to share what we need to, you have no reason to feel bad about what you do and do not share about your personal struggles.

As to your situation, one type of compulsion that many people deal with (I know I have at times) is confessing, which it sounds like you are struggling with now. You have intrusive thoughts and worries about faithfulness to your wife and you are feeling compelled to confess them. OCD is causing you to dwell on these moments, which you yourself admit have no action, no meaning behind them. You want to move forward with your life and that's a good thing, but you don't need to give in to OCD to do that, in fact you should do the opposite, resist OCDs urges. You know that confessing to these past thoughts and moments won't bring happiness to you or your wife, but OCD makes you feel like you have to so it to feel right. OCD is a liar. It won't be easy but resist OCDs lies, it's the right thing to do.

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Thankyou all for your support,openess and constructive advice

I havnt ruminated like this for years and im finding it so hard not to pick out every detail,the fantasys I can accept,but the fact I led on her bed and the locked door are harder as it would seem I was persuing her

Its so hard because theres nothing to tell but I feel there is,how do you say, oh I had some thoughts and led on the bed,then id be asked then what expecting there to be more

How do I stop thinking about it,im holding down a job and get moments where I forget then my brain goes,oh but you led on her bed or you know you wanted more,or your worth nothing

Whats as annoying is my partner spent months posting pics of her and receaving pics of him but I forgive her yet I cant forgive myself,and I dont know why I cant,then like I have to confess and it continues,i need to stop thinking about it but it feels ive lost all my skills to beat this

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It can be hard to remember how to apply the skills we've learned when we are in the depths of OCD. Even when the logical part of us knows what we should do the OCD doubt makes it difficult. You can get past this worry, but unfortunately its not by just turning the thought off like you want to. CBT teaches us that we have to let the thoughts fade on their own and try to give them as little active attention as possible. Our natural inclination is to fight the thought, we try and reason with it using logic, or solve it through rumination. In normal circumstances that's fine, but it doesn't work for OCD unfortunately. Instead we have to do our best to recognize the thought for what it is, OCD, and resist the behaviors that reinforce it, like rumination. Accept that for awhile at least you are going to feel doubt, and that the thought is going to stick around, kinda like a runny nose when you have a cold. Eventually though the thought fades, not as fast as we might like but it does happen. Hang in there!

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Stop trying to work it out. You have to take the attitude that, oh well. I laid on her bed and I was at her front door. I might have been stalking her. Oh well. I did those things and they might have been bad but oh well.

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Sure, though I think the real obsession is more what you worry the incident means than the fact that you were lying on the bed. "What if I am/was stalking her?" "What if I was going to be unfaithful to my wife?" "What if It means I'm a bad husband?" etc. You can keep trying to "figure it out" but there really is nothing to figure out. You feel doubt about the situation because of OCD, and because of OCD no matter how much you try to figure it out you'll still feel unsatisfied. So rather than treat it like you would a non-OCD problem, where you can use logic and reason and remove enough doubt to feel satisfied you have to deal with it as an OCD obsession, a garbage thought that is stuck in your mind.

Think about your brain like your e-mail inbox. Some of the messages you get are important and meaningful and worth looking at. Some of them are less important, but still things you are interested in. Some of the messages are spam, garbage, junk mail. You didn't ask for them, you don't want them. Now normally, if you don't have OCD, or if your OCD isn't bothering you, two things happen. FIrst, your spam filter works, keeping most of these junk messages from ever reaching your inbox. Its automatic, you don't even have to think about it, they pop in and out without you even noticing. Second, your delete button works, so even when a spam message gets through the filter, you can easily dismiss it for what it is. When you have OCD, both these mechanisms are faulty. First, more junk messages get through and second, when you try and delete them the button doesn't work. Suddenly your inbox has these unwanted, intrusive messages in it that you can't get rid of and you start to think "well maybe its not junk, maybe these are important too". OCD thoughts are the same, they are junk, we don't like them, we don't want them, and we never asked for them in the first place. Since you can't delete them, no matter how hard you try, the other option is to just let them sit there, and focus on the important messages. Yes it'll frustrate you and annoy you sometimes that the junk mail is cluttering up your inbox, just like obsessions clutter up our mind, but if you ignore them long enough they fade in to the background, like old e-mail getting pushed down the page.

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Hi,

Oh, how I've been in such similar battles with OCD. It's horrible, really horrible. The urge to confess is so utterly powerful. Before I knew what OCD was and that I had it, I used to confess all the time - for years, decades in fact. Then, when I discovered that confessing and reassurance had kept my OCD going, I managed to pretty much stop it within months.

If you tell your wife, you may feel TEMPORARY relief and then I am pretty sure that you WILL find something else to obsess about and you'll be right back to where you are now, and so it continues.

Do it differently this time. Break the cycle of confessing / compulsions.

Take Care

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Thankyou for your advice and great ways of describing ocd

Im at work and trying to use the 4step,the problem is as my ruminateing is so relentless im doing it every few seconds

She deserves to know,4step

You havevto tell her 4step

Youll never get past this till you do tell,4step

Im recognizeing and trying to distract yet its so exhausting every second

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Also I feel like a hipocrit

I found some photos of shared privates and texts last night from my wife and this bloke that should have been deleted and I got cross with my wife,when I calmed down I put it back on myself and thought well im just as bad if not worse

Sorry I know im doing peoples heads in,i just feel alone in my head,i really am trying to put into practice allvyour help and advice

Edited by battlethrough
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Im trying so hard

Constant bombarding,the urge to confess is overwhelming,i know it would do no good and releave me but hurt her and thats selfish

We just cuddled and I said im sorryvi hurt her in the past,she said shevjust wants to put the past in a box,rewind delete and play,i havnt been sleeping well,can that affect thoughts,i feel like such a sleeze for persuing her sister after the pain the first time

Im trying 4 step but its to much as its thoughts and feelings every second,im worried ill get so ill if I dont confess,but I couldnt bear tovhurt her self esteem,shes only just got it back

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Im so sorry to ask but I have to as im googling guilt over cheating

After reading my posts does anyone think ive cheated,obviouslu since what I admitted

God that sounds awful

I mean laying on her bed,and fantasys,cos I was led on her bed maby something could have happened,is almost cheating as bad

Sorry,cant beleave im doing this

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Googling - compulsion

Asking for reassurance - compulsion

Tiredness and no sleep plus stress of the situation will all make your OCD flare up. Recognise this as an OCD episode, try your hardest to rest, distract yourself, go out, watch a comedy on the sofa with some chocolate, stop googling, stop debating the rights and wrongs of the matter, listen to music, take some deep breaths, give yourself a break.....

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