Gay or OCD?

[Guest kayleigh1414]

I'm 17 and female.

I won't go into detail as it's not really needed. I have had OCD obsessions about a lot of things mostly cancer as a young teen. But since I was around 14/15 I go through these episodes of questioning. I know I like boys so I guess Bi would be a better word than gay. These episodes I think started during my bi-curious phase (I learnt a lot about being gay from Glee). I went through that phase and I think I knew I was straight and just wanted to fit in with the Bi stuff back then.

Right so since then I kind of stopped thinking about it and got on with my life until maybe last year when it happened all over again. But don't get me wrong just because I wasn't obsessively thinking about being gay doesn't mean that it wasn't still there. I still willingly kissed girls and even asked one to kiss me while slightly drunk. When I go through these episodes I over analyse everything. I ask myself questions on if I find girls attractive and if I find guys attractive. I have watched porn to see if I get turned on etc. And I obsess over it for hours and Google things and ask questions such as this one. With I know are symptoms of OCD.

I wouldn't have a problem accepting this as OCD if I was 100% sure that's what it was. This doesn't give me fear like other obsessions do. I don't watch porn or ask myself questions to relieve anxiety. I want to kiss girls and go on dates and have sex with them. Earlier today I told myself "OK you are BI" and then I thought "But what if I'm not and I realize too late that it's OCD" It's also like I want someone to tell me it's not OCD but I think that could just be because I have low self esteem and am uncomfortable around boys. None of my friends or family would care if I was gay but I still wouldn't want to tell them. It feels embarrassing. This episode started after I came home from going out with this guy and we kissed a lot and I told my mum how much I hated it and she asked if I was a lesbian. I also look back at the past and in the summer I recall staying up all night to write about everything in my past that could link tome being gay and disprove me being straight.

I am fully aware of the fact that some of the things I do are OCD traits. But is this OCD based around being gay (I don't fear being gay either) or is it just over analyzing due to the fact that I happen to have OCD if that makes sense?

Please help me I just want to know. Thanks

[Caramoole]

is it just over analyzing due to the fact that I happen to have OCD if that makes sense?

Could well be. Obsessive brains can tend to ruminate in general.

What's worrying you exactly?

Caramoole

[Guest nervous]

You have asked this a few times, do you think you have OCD? Have you spoken to a doctor yet about OCD?

[Guest kayleigh1414]

You have asked this a few times, do you think you have OCD? Have you spoken to a doctor yet about OCD?

I think I have it. There isn't much else it could be really. I haven't spoke to a doctor because last time I did my mum explained it all and she didn't say everything and they said it wasn't OCD because what she explained wasn't. But, I don't want to talk to one in case they tell me it's nothing and ten I have to live my life this way :/

[Guest kayleigh1414]

Could well be. Obsessive brains can tend to ruminate in general.

What's worrying you exactly?

Caramoole

That's the thing I have no reason to fear being gay. I would be accepted and I am not homophobic or anything like that (not tat people with gay related obsessions are homophobic.). I don't worry about it. What worries me is the fact that if I experimented with a girl I could find out it is OCD and then I will hurt people and people wouldn't understand if I said it was just OCD. I also know that people who are gay/bi usually know from an early age. I was a tomboy has a kid and I think at times I wanted to be a boy. I don't want this now. I don't think I liked girls at 14/15 but I can't be sure of the feelings I had back then. But if I wasn't bi then then I wouldn't be now.

[mummyoftwogirls]

this is a bit different ! sounds like you are bi but scared in case its ocd and you will eventually hurt peoples feelings if you start a relationship and end up being straight? kind of like a hyper responsibility ? so the ocd might be there, but not because your worried your gay but because of the fear you will hurt someone if you are straight??

[Guest kayleigh1414]

this is a bit different ! sounds like you are bi but scared in case its ocd and you will eventually hurt peoples feelings if you start a relationship and end up being straight? kind of like a hyper responsibility ? so the ocd might be there, but not because your worried your gay but because of the fear you will hurt someone if you are straight??

Possibly. Thanks for taking the time to answer. If it's not too much trouble could I ask you something? Can OCD be based around looking like a man? I can't finish a sentence on the letter M and I have to skip over the word man or boy etc in books which leads to re-reading sentences over and over. If do an action and the thought of looking like a man pops into my head then I will have to repeat the action chanting girl. I don't believe it's BDD though. It caused me to drop out of college last year but I'm at a new one now but I hate the feelings I get when I'm there, I'm constantly on edge. What would the NHS even say to me? It seems they don't care much unless you are harming yourself etc. Oh and this all started because of bullying when I was a kid. I hear people calling me it (my mum thinks it's imagined and she's probably right for the most part). Thanks

[Guest lizinlondon]

If you want to experiment with girls, that is fine. Try not to worry about hurting people, most people around your age are experimenting. You will need to try things out to find your sexuality. Just go for it.

Secondly, you can have OCD about anything, so it is likely that the looking male thing is turning into OCD. Try not to avoid things that trigger the thoughts of you looking male. Don't carry out a compulsion to neutralise the thought. When the thought comes, don't try and avoid it, sit with it and feel the doubt and anxiety. This is how to overcome it. The minute you try and avoid the thought the worse things get. Try this and if you still need help and it is affecting your life, then CBT will help you.

Work on finding yourself and accepting yourself.

[Guest kayleigh1414]

If you want to experiment with girls, that is fine. Try not to worry about hurting people, most people around your age are experimenting. You will need to try things out to find your sexuality. Just go for it.

Secondly, you can have OCD about anything, so it is likely that the looking male thing is turning into OCD. Try not to avoid things that trigger the thoughts of you looking male. Don't carry out a compulsion to neutralise the thought. When the thought comes, don't try and avoid it, sit with it and feel the doubt and anxiety. This is how to overcome it. The minute you try and avoid the thought the worse things get. Try this and if you still need help and it is affecting your life, then CBT will help you.

Work on finding yourself and accepting yourself.

Yeah you're right. The man thing has been going on since I was around 14 so I doubt I can make it go away if it's been there for 3 years. I tried just sitting with itand accepting that the thought was there but that day in college two people stared staring at me and so I thought they were talking about me looking like a man and then I had to go the the toilet and I just broke down crying in there. I mean I'm girly and stuff now so there's no way anyone could mistake me but it's just my mind. I wish could go on medication and just get rid of it. I also excessively daydream and created this character and I pretend to be him when I'm alone. Iv'e one it since I was a kid. But don't know if my feelings are mine or whether they come from his emotions sometimes. It's not like a multiple personality thing I'm guessing it's an escapism thing. Sorry for rambling.

[Guest lizinlondon]

Yeah it probably is escapism. We all do stuff to escape. I would not worry about this, it is your imagination, and a way of exploring life and yourself.

You could also ask yourself what would be wrong with looking boyish, what would it matter, afterall some people will like that!

Finding yourself is a journey and if you have a tendancy towards anxiety like me, then you will feel anxious about it. I did. The way I dealt with this is to turn it on its head and start to enjoy it. This is a hard thing to do but it is worth it. Flip it over, enjoy the jouney to discovering yourself. When you are older you will look back and think I wish I had enjoyed that and not worried.

Trust me on this, as you go through life you will meet people who you click with and who will support you. Don't waste time worrying about those who you don't click with. I wish someone had told me these things x

[Guest kayleigh1414]

Yeah it probably is escapism. We all do stuff to escape. I would not worry about this, it is your imagination, and a way of exploring life and yourself.

You could also ask yourself what would be wrong with looking boyish, what would it matter, afterall some people will like that!

Finding yourself is a journey and if you have a tendancy towards anxiety like me, then you will feel anxious about it. I did. The way I dealt with this is to turn it on its head and start to enjoy it. This is a hard thing to do but it is worth it. Flip it over, enjoy the jouney to discovering yourself. When you are older you will look back and think I wish I had enjoyed that and not worried.

Trust me on this, as you go through life you will meet people who you click with and who will support you. Don't waste time worrying about those who you don't click with. I wish someone had told me these things x

Thanks for everything It means a lot

[Guest lizinlondon]

Cool