NO CONTROL ANY MORE - OCD GONE OVER THE TOP + CINGULOTOMY (SURGERY)

[Guest BILLY-BIG-BANANAS]

LET ME TRY!! AND EXPLAIN

I Have suffered with ocd for 30+ years, and have endured most obsessions and compulsions, being taps/lights/gas/water/driving/locks/doors/security/contamination and the fear of harming or being held responsible for anything that might be WRONG.

Tried most drugs/ in and out patient CBT, Been seeing one of the leading ocd specialists in the country for over 20 years at a specialist ocd hospital.

Done many trials ie - drugs/brain scans/ect seen and tried many of the complimentary meds hypnotherapy/acupuncture/homeopathy and some other weird and wonderful other rip offs!

MY QUESTION - I now am in a state of permanent anxiety level 10 out of 10 over things like A SPECK ON THE WALL - SLIGHTLY DIRTY MASTIC - DIFFERENT SHADES OF COLOUR IN WOOD FLOORING - PIECE OF COTTON HANGING OF CLOTHES OR TOWELS/FLANNELS - BITS OF FLUFF ON BED OR ANY WHERE.

ALSO - The VERY VERY Strong need to check and see how things are fixed put together - ie shower doors - toilet - sinks and all the pipe and wire work.

YES some of these things could cause an issue BUT most I realise are just so insignificant they just don't matter, BUT my ocd brain will NOT listen.

WHY do I need to KNOW - HAS ANY BODY ELSE SUFFERED WITH THESE THOUGHTS/OBSESSIONS.

I realise it is all part of ocd, and the answer some will give is do not go back and check wait till anxiety declines, mine does NOT I have tried for years with the professionals and on my own for decades, the ones listed in caps above are recent (last 2 or three years). I Would very much like to hear of any one else's ocd in these.

My anxiety increases and is general there the next day and longer!

I have just recently had a pre op assessment for a Cingulotomy due in Feb/March 2015 been waiting for 3 years, there have been various delays mainly due to admin and getting all clinical pathways in place, this procedure is only done in uk 3 to 5 times a year, all going well I will be admitted in about 3 months IF I CAN HOLD ON THAT LONG, I am on the edge!!

NO guarantees but its all I have left to try.

Any one who wants me to keep them updated I will do my best, I will also try and keep this thead going if there is an interest.

After the op which is part of the over all plan I will still have a stay in a specialist ocd unit, which I hope the op will make easier to do.

Thank you for reading and hope to receive some other experience's in my lastest form of ocd.

My very warmest regards to all you fellow sufferers.

B-B-B

[Guest Tricia]

Oh, dear Billy, my heart goes out to you. You are so incredibly brave and if there's any justice in this world the surgery will give you the relief you deserve.

I know anxiety can remain high and I don't care who disputes this. We know what we are enduring!

Like you, some of the things I obsess over I know will cause no harm and my brain doesn't listen either.

Please keep in touch.

The very best of luck to you!

xx

[daisy]

Hello Billy, like Tricia i really feel for you and hope that the op goes well for you and you get some relief from the torment you are enduring,i feel that you are incredibly brave.

I have suffered for nearly 40yrs and had various treatments,but my anxiety doesn't come down either.

Please keep in touch

All the best

Daisy x

[Guest BILLY-BIG-BANANAS]

Hello Tricia, Daisy

Thank you both for your thoughts I as promised will do my utmost to keep in touch and post updates, im hanging on Just!

Regards

B-B-B

[Guest Tricia]

Don't give up, Billy, keep hanging on!

The new year may be the best you've had for decades.

We'll all be rooting for you. xx

[Guest OCDAY]

Feeling for you Billy. It must be really s**** when convensional treatment doesn't work.

I'm classed as severe OCD, but therapy is working (like you i'm under a leading UK specialist in OCD).

My thoughts are with you, and hope op helps. Keep us informed.

[Guest fiatver]

Hi Billy,

Have you tried a different approach in therapy? Acceptance and Commitment Therapy works where normal CBT fails sometimes. I didn't find any help in traditional treatments of anxiety and OCD, but that different approach helped me to recover.

[Guest BILLY-BIG-BANANAS]

Hello Fiatver

I try not to be negative to any form of treatment that may help anyone,but not willing to waste anymore of my life and that of my family on what I would personally call an anagram!! of CBT, same basic treatment different name.

However i am glad it Worked for you

Good luck

B-B-B

[Guest BILLY-BIG-BANANAS]

Im back,

No one else have these thoughts about, well just anything I only have to see a speck and I need to know about it why its there are there more and so and on for no reason, it's as if I'm looking for problems

And obsessions/compulsions for the sake of it.

I been trying most of my life to avoid these!!

B-B-B

[Guest Tricia]

I am the same, Billy, but probably for a different reason. I panic at every speck I see in case it's my feared contaminant.

I certainly share many of your obsessions, though, like pipes and wiring. I have a strong need to know how things work, how they are installed etc. Any strange noises from any appliances (that other family members don't even notice) sets off my internal alarm. Yesterday the washing machine took four minutes longer with its usual cycle - why, is it about to break...!!!

Edited December 9, 2014 by Tricia

[Guest BILLY-BIG-BANANAS]

YES!! Tricia that is so very close, the washing machine I can relate to 100%, We have a tiled bathroom

With a section in the middle of tiny tiles just to make it look good, I had to check that it was level

And even all the way round, just out of the blue for no reason.

Tell a lie my eldest did it for me, as I had just spent nearly 2 hours in the shower, if I had done it

It would have taken for ever and another shower.

And I know that is well against the CBT RULES of engagement but they can't bear to see me suffer, a person in a wheelchair would be helped up a hill or simalar situation with no thought or contradiction

Even though he or she could do it on their own, that would also make them more reliant on help in the future, same as ocd reasurance does, I wish we had more less painful alternatives, there seems to be loads of different aids old new and upcoming for the physical disabled.

Please do no get me wrong, I feel for them as much as I do for mental health but I can't help thinking

We are the poor neighbours.

Did any one see the bbc documentary on the mental health prison in quatamala beaten/raped/abused/sleeping in thier own waste, all they did wrong was have a mental illness, the ones with a physical illness went to a hosp and were helped in the normal way.

Hope this all makes sense I have problems getting things into context sometimes I mean no malice to any

Sufferer of any illness.

B-B-B

[Guest Tricia]

No, Billy, I didn't see that documentary, but I did see one with hidden cameras filmed in psychiatric hospitals in this country and that was quite alarming.

Apart from the fact that a physical disability doesn't necessarily lead to a tormented mind, it also, as you said, receives a great deal of public empathy and support.

I upset someone on an OCD forum by relating an experience I had had in a pub. It was one of the rare occasions I had forced myself out of the house to have a meal with my extended family. I was terrified of sitting down and of touching the cutlery - in fact I was frightened of everything. I could hear their laughter and chatter, but I was so busy trying to hide the fear and look 'normal'. It was all very distant and surreal - and I was separate from it all.

Then the noise level dropped as a man came in with his family and he was struggling on elbow crutches. I realized then, as I do now, that he could have been suffering mentally, too, but he appeared very relaxed and happy, even though he was struggling physically. Several people smiled at him and moved chairs to clear a path for him. I was really unable to take in much of that afternoon, due to my fear, but I do recall wishing that I had been born with something other than a tormented mind.

Anyway, I wrote about that experience on a forum and then received a phone call from a friend (with OCD) who had read my message. She yelled at me and said I was awful for saying I'd rather be physically disabled. I did feel badly about it, but it didn't change my thinking about my situation. That man in the pub appeared to be having a great afternoon and people recognized his problem and reacted so kindly to him. Over the years I've been shouted at and even hit for having OCD. I have been called pathetic and worse...

Another lady on the forum replied to my post. She has a daughter who is very severely disabled (far worse than the man in the pub) and my immediate reaction was one of shame that I had obviously upset and annoyed her, too, but no, she said she would rather her daughter be the way she is than to have been born with OCD. Given how much this lady loves her child and how awful the girl's situation is, her words touched me very deeply. I no longer feel guilty for thinking as I do. No two ways about it, we have drawn very short straws in this life.

All my life I have been made to feel guilty by certain people and at times I feel so angry about everything...There is no condition that is judged so harshly as OCD, and for some, the guilt they carry, on top of their obsessions, proves too much. I think it's rare for any other group to also judge themselves in the way some with OCD do. We are frequently told everyone can overcome OCD. That attitude may well give hope, but for those of us who haven't responded to treatment, it can lead to total abandonment as family members walk away in disgust.

Even at my mother's funeral, this August, two cousins were telling me I don't have to be this way if only I would choose not to be. What a time and place for a lecture!

My blessing is my daughter and I know you are equally blessed in that regard.

I am just hoping that the new year brings you peace at last, Billy. xx

[Guest BILLY-BIG-BANANAS]

HI TRICIA

Also I have a pal who is a ocd sufferer, he told me that he new a woman with multi sclerosis who said to his face

I would rather have this disease than what you have got because at least I know where and what im doing and what is going to happen.

I was taken aback at the time but now it seems she knew more than us, (20 + years ago)

Also a very aged man 80 + met my pal and said he had the same issues and was so glad that he was not on his own, he had no idea

what ocd was, he just thought he was mad and was so glad to know before he died. again a very long time ago.

all the best

B-B-B

[Guest OCDAY]

The treatments I have alread had for OCD and am know having additional ERP techniques added as my OCD has morphed to PureO are -

CBT

ERP

TFA

ACT

For me personally erp works best, although I find it the hardest and most distressing therapy (but it works for me so it's gottta be done!!!!)

[Guest Tricia]

OCDAY, what do we then do if we face our fears and remain with them (for very long periods of time) and the anxiety just doesn't come down? I have tried every kind of therapy and paid a large amount of money on private treatments as well.

Billy, there's a lady on the forum with MS who told us she'd rather have that than her OCD, if she could choose to rid herself of one.

[Guest OCDAY]

Hi Tricia,

I really feel for people in yours and Billy's positiion.

I have not got to that point yet, maybe I wil maybe I won't, but at the minute for me therapy is working. So go with it hopefully I wont get to the point where there is no hope, but am well aware it could happen.

I am diagnosed with severe OCD, severe depression and panick attacks

I to have like you, and am putting large ammounts of money into the best therapy I can get, but money is running out, and the NHS therapy cant help me hence I went private.

Which is why I feel so for you and Billy, and hope my post did'nt come across as negative to Billy's situation.

[Guest BILLY-BIG-BANANAS]

Hi OCDAY

No not at all I was in the same place as you some time ago, you must go with your own thoughts at the time as this is more likely to help in which avenue you choose.

GOOD LUCK

B-B-B

[Guest OCDAY]

Thanks Billy,

I am trying my best right now any doing everything possible, but can see how it can get to yours and Tricia's level.

Good Luck Too.

[Guest Tricia]

I've been thinking of you, Billy.

[Guest OCDAY]

Thinking of you too Billy.

[daisy]

Hi Billy I have also been thinking of you x

[Guest debbie]

Good luck Billy

[Guest Tricia]

I do so hope that Billy has been on the forum and can see the amount of support he's receiving. I know his OCD does prevent him from doing many things, but hopefully, even if he's unable to write at this time, he may have read the messages.

[Guest OCDAY]

I do so hope that Billy has been on the forum and can see the amount of support he's receiving. I know his OCD does prevent him from doing many things, but hopefully, even if he's unable to write at this time, he may have read the messages.

I second this Billy.

[Guest BILLY-BIG-BANANAS]

HI AND HELLO TO - Tricia,daisy,ocday,Debbie thank you so much for you thoughts and support,I have been

Lower than normal recently and keeping my head down,But will do my utmost to keep you all updated very soon.

Thank you all again.

Warmest regards

B-B-B