Sexual orientation OCD (SO-OCD)

[Guest Trying]

Hi there, I have been in a precarious and very difficult situation during the last 7 years, since, what I assume SO-OCD started. A complication of my presentation is that, when anxiety is aroused (e.g. I may come across a good-looking male; I am a man) this often triggers an involuntary response in my eyes, giving the impression I fancy them; this does not happen for females I really fancy. I believe this is anxiety provoked since, if I otherwise like them (the male) as a person the eye-response has fewer chances of manifesting, in contrast to when I find them disagreeable as an individual. When I am asked by the people I have confided to about this to replicate this eye movement, I can not. The only way forward of reducing the frequency of these incidents is to become as much acquianted and comfortable with them as possible.

On bad days, this response can be indiscriminate, even towards males I would not consider good looking, and this could extend to children. The latter has caused me inordinate pain since I am in a pastoral role, and there was a time the school I was working at suspected the worst and was hinting towards this, along with most of the school population; I did not know what to tell them. The only thing that kept me together was the firm belief there was nothing else to my anxiety-i.e. there was not a hint that I may have such tendencies. Eventually, the school realized (I can only assume) there was an incongruence between this symptom and the rest of my presentation, so they offered to renew my contract. Nevertheless, this situation continues to hamper me greatly.

I sought help, starting initially with a person-centred therapist, who helped me develop in all sorts of ways, yet could not help me with my presentation. In fact, I realized my situation aroused in her an anti-homophobic narrative making her to move away from her therapeutic stance; I have experienced so much discrimination I can only feel for the LBGT community.

Then I contacted a BABCP-registered therapist who, in 2 sessions advised me I should come out, paralleling my situation to her nervousness of passing her driving test against her parents doubts!!! (and she was not trained on sexual orientation matters)

I understand the importance of immersing oneself in anxiety-provoking situation and resisting the compulsion to undo this anxiety, but it seems my eye reaction creates a positive feedback loop of never-ending anxiety!!! I initially started in the school "not caring" about how I presented, but this did not work.

I therefore wanted to ask if anyone was aware of such presentation. I have read a bit on tics, but I could not quite find anything matching the above.

I would appreciate greatly if your responses are as senstitive as possible as I am currently in a great deal of pain.

Thank you in advance.

Kind regards

[dksea]

Welcome to the forums Trying, I'm sorry that you are experiencing such struggle in your life right now. I'm not sure I entirely understand the eye situation you are dealing with, i am guessing it's perhaps how your eyes dilate or something? If you feel comfortable perhaps you can describe it in a little more detail. Regardless if it's an involuntary reaction then it's probably best to work on dealing with the anxiety independent of your eyes behavior. Unfortunately there are physical reactions that happen that we can't comtrol completely even when we wish we could but you can work on controlling how you respond to the associated worries and anxiety.

It's unfortunate that you have experienced trouble with therapists so far. In case you are not aware when it comes to treating OCD there s a particular branch of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (or CBT) that is recognized as the effective approach (and it's been backed up by research). There are variations within CBT, such as Acceptance and Coomitment Therapy or ACT, but they all are based on the same principles and approach, and it's definitely different than traditional talk therapy. You can find out more information on the main OCD-UK site about CBT and how to access it in the UK. I highly recommend you check it out.

[Guest Trying]

Hi there,

Thank you for your response. OK, the "eye thing": Somewhere in my mind I realized I have (wrongly) associated (stereotyped) a particular look as being often prevalent to homosexual men. ( I am really sorry in advance to anyone homosexual-I am actually one of the last people to be curious about whether one is gay or not). I am sorry again, but, in my mind this can be a lust-communicating look. When my anxiety levels are high, I can feel the muscles in my eye contracting to produce this look (never seen it myself), and, more than often it has (unfortunately) the expected effects (i.e. men thinking I am hitting on them). As indicated before, I can not reproduce this look voluntarily, when asked.

It is interesting that, for example, if someone has nice facial features, my anxiety can increase, producing this response, but, if say, they are wearing sun-glasses, due to their face being partially covered, I am much less/not at all anxious, and this response does not manifest!

As for CBT, BABCP is the accredited body regulating CBT therapists in the uk, and the person I saw was on their books; it was not my immediate interest to question her practice at that point as I had too much on my plate.

I notice you write from the USA. I had made contact with the LA OCD centre, and was considering doing work with them over skype, but the fees are considerable.They indicated though that the UK had to catch up with the notion of HOCD (which I know is not a clinical term as someone in OCD UK has indicated to me in the past, without this comment being at all helpful).

Many thanks dksea for your interest. If you have any ideas, I would be more than happy to know them.

[PolarBear]

Are you aware your eyes are doing this thing at the time?

My inclination at this point is that this is an involuntary movement of the eyes, much like a groinal response, which is prevalent with sexual themed OCD.

[Guest Trying]

Hi there, thank you for your interest.

Yes, I am aware the look in my eyes is changing since I can feel the muscles around my eye contracting....! As a result, people think I am voluntarily choosing to look at them in this manner...

Thanks for asking.

[Guest Trying]

The situation this puts me in is that, essentially, of more anxiety, as people start talking about this, hinting, or, in the worst case scenario, kids being very cruel. The higher the anxiety around this environment, the most likely this reacion is going to happen again, and so on....It is tough.

[Guest Azamour]

I understand what you're talking about. I get something similar. I have difficulty making eye contact with people cause I think I have something to hide. I try to make to make eye contact with people for too long and intensely cause I don't want then to see I am afraid so I overdo and do a creepy thing with my eyes. I also check out guys to see if I am attracted to them. This is obviously unnerving for them. This gets worse when I am tired and stressed and can build up the longer I am social situations.

[dksea]

A couple of thoughts. First, regarding the eye behavior, if you can't control it then its not something you are responsible for. The best thing to do is work on treating the related anxious intrusive thoughts and the OCD using CBT. Second, regarding the therapist, unfortunately not all therapists are created equal and sometimes they can be wrong. A second opinion with a different therapist might be a good idea.

[Guest Trying]

Azamour, I used to do this checking of others, but I think it constitutes a compulsion, which I think feeds the OCD, so now I am trying not to look unless there is a good reason (i.e. thinking back at a time I would not check these people in any case, and in this manner, as it was not an issue). Then again, I am wondering, if, "not trying to look" is also a compulsion...?

Many thanks for your comments and support guys-if anyone has more ideas please feel free....

We need to keep going....

[Guest Azamour]

I found that trying not to look is worse. It creates more uncertainty and then I think like I had something to hide.

I think the first step is to look and leave the thought enter your head. For me this was to actually imagine having sex with the person and other perverse stuff. This is starting to alleviate the fear.

I am getting more comfortable with it now. My gaze is less intense and I don't try to hold people's gaze in a sort of staring match as much.

[Guest Trying]

Hi Azamour,

I can look, however, if it stays for too long it is likely I will display the look and the other person will get the wrong idea, leading to more anxiety and more of the wrong looks....it is a fine balance for me.

Would anyone know of any therapists in London who have helped them with SO-OCD?? There are so many on the accredited practitioner lists...

Many thanks

[PolarBear]

One does not need a therapist used to dealing with a particular theme. You need a therapist who knows about OCD. Treating OCD is not about the theme presented. All themes are treated basically the same way.