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OCD and having a child


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Dear OCD sufferers,

I have been with my partner for over 5 years, recently he mentioned to me that he wants to have children and I am not sure because of my OCD if I will be able to cope with a child. I wouldn't mind having a child if I get better and I have started seeing CBT specialist recently again but the thing is I don’t know if I will get better to the point of OCD not affecting my life as at the moment I am struggling some days with getting by on day to day basis and holding down a job.

I am a bit confused about our relationship at the moment and not sure what to do, I am happy with my partner but it’s been 5 years and I think it’s time to decide now whether we should take it to the next level – marriage etc. or if we don’t have a future together and should go separate ways ? We had conversation about kids about half a year ago and I said that I need time to think and I still don’t know what to say as it all depends on my OCD.

What should I do now- tell him about me having a child depending on me getting better and possibly losing him (as there is a possibility that I might not get better to the point that OCD is almost not existent) or just leaving it as it is and possibly being stuck in the relationship with no future?

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Having children made my OCD worse (I have friends who say the same and some didn't even have OCD prior to pregnancy). So, my advice would certainly be to seek help and explain to your partner that you need to wait for a while to see if you can find ways to manage/overcome your OCD. If he loves you he will be prepared to wait and also will realize that for your sake and the sake of any future children, it's wise to have treatment first.

Edited by Tricia
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Also remember that SSRIs, and many other psychiatric medications, often cause birth defects. They can be prescribed during pregnancy and breastfeeding if you need them very badly, but they are likely to harm the baby. If you're likely to need them during pregnancy or breastfeeding at the moment, I would wait until you're confident that you won't.

Personally, I won't be having children for a number of reasons, but one of them is that I don't want to pass on my OCD genes, or the genes for the other issues I've had. While the child I have might be alright, and their children, those genes will continue to be passed down the line, so someone somewhere in the future will be born with the same problems, possibly worse and possibly without diagnosis or support for all I know. And then if my child DID have any of the problems I have - I couldn't handle the stress. I couldn't handle the stress and responsibility of even a healthy child, myself. I just need too much time to myself, but maybe some people with OCD would find it an effective distraction.

Also, this is horribly morbid, I know, but another thing I think we should all consider if we have OCD, is how likely we in our particular cases to one day be deemed unfit to parent, or commit suicide. This probably doesn't apply to most of us, because the suicide rate and sectioning rate for OCD is well under 50%, but personally, I don't want to create another person who's hugely emotionally invested in me and will be dependent on me for at least two decades, because of my tendency to have suicidal thoughts. Although I currently have relatives who would be devastated if I died, I find it comforting that when my older relatives are gone, I probably won't be greatly morally compelled to stick around, because from that point if I do carry out a suicidal impulse, or even a planned one, I won't be causing anyone the same or worse degree or length of suffering that I'll be trying to avoid myself, just the normal degree of grief that most people can recover from in good time.

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I think a big question might be, do you want children? How much do you want children?

I dont have children myself, so unfortunally i cant give you advices based on experiences with having ocd and children. But i think it would be wrong to think that noone with ocd should have children. But i agree with Tricia that it might be an idea seeking therapy first.

It could be a big motivation working on ocd consider having a Child. being better dependes on your will to progress and work with your ocd, and therapy could help you. ( and meds) I dont think its fair that Child should not be suffering under our ocd, be a helper or live with all our ocd rules. But with right treatment you can be better, and if you want children i would not let the ocd ruin your dreams. But get therapy first and take your time. ( dont know if my thoughts were helpful.)

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Guest HeadAboveWater

Also remember that SSRIs, and many other psychiatric medications, often cause birth defects. They can be prescribed during pregnancy and breastfeeding if you need them very badly, but they are likely to harm the baby. If you're likely to need them during pregnancy or breastfeeding at the moment, I would wait until you're confident that you won't.

Personally, I won't be having children for a number of reasons, but one of them is that I don't want to pass on my OCD genes, or the genes for the other issues I've had. While the child I have might be alright, and their children, those genes will continue to be passed down the line, so someone somewhere in the future will be born with the same problems, possibly worse and possibly without diagnosis or support for all I know. And then if my child DID have any of the problems I have - I couldn't handle the stress. I couldn't handle the stress and responsibility of even a healthy child, myself. I just need too much time to myself, but maybe some people with OCD would find it an effective distraction.

Also, this is horribly morbid, I know, but another thing I think we should all consider if we have OCD, is how likely we in our particular cases to one day be deemed unfit to parent, or commit suicide. This probably doesn't apply to most of us, because the suicide rate and sectioning rate for OCD is well under 50%, but personally, I don't want to create another person who's hugely emotionally invested in me and will be dependent on me for at least two decades, because of my tendency to have suicidal thoughts. Although I currently have relatives who would be devastated if I died, I find it comforting that when my older relatives are gone, I probably won't be greatly morally compelled to stick around, because from that point if I do carry out a suicidal impulse, or even a planned one, I won't be causing anyone the same or worse degree or length of suffering that I'll be trying to avoid myself, just the normal degree of grief that most people can recover from in good time.

You know, I completely agree with you on many of these points. It is sad to say, however, these are my real feelings and fears, as well. Also, I suffer with POCD so my fear at the moment about having children is also due to this obsession. However, I know that I have always struggled with OCD and find myself to be very self-focused much of the time. This would be a huge conflict if I were to have a child. I would need my own time and I would have to manage the life of my child which would stress me greatly. I also have suicidal ideation and can't promise that I would never commit suicide. I just don't find it responsible of me to have a kid while I am struggling with the baggage of OCD. I wish it were different but... it's just not.

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Just to balance the equation, there are thousands and thousands of sufferers who have chosen to have children and wouldn't change that decision under any circumstances, despite the difficulties......but there can be difficulties in life of different types and from different illnesses, conditions etc. Are we suggesting that only "Perfect" individuals should produce.

I personally would have concerns regarding the use of medication in pregnancy, despite reassurances from some as to safety.

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I suffered from an extreme case of OCD for a very long time. Still got married, had two wonderful boys. Looking back, I wouldn't have changed a thing. It was tough on me. OCD affected my relationship with my kids, but I'm glad things worked out the way they did. We people with OCD are a lot tougher than we sometimes think.

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Guest HeadAboveWater

I suffered from an extreme case of OCD for a very long time. Still got married, had two wonderful boys. Looking back, I wouldn't have changed a thing. It was tough on me. OCD affected my relationship with my kids, but I'm glad things worked out the way they did. We people with OCD are a lot tougher than we sometimes think.

I know that you suffered from POCD, Polar, amongst other themes but how did you manage to cope with that particular theme when you had kids? Did it make it better or worse at all?

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I think a big question might be, do you want children? How much do you want children?

I dont have children myself, so unfortunally i cant give you advices based on experiences with having ocd and children. But i think it would be wrong to think that noone with ocd should have children. But i agree with Tricia that it might be an idea seeking therapy first.

It could be a big motivation working on ocd consider having a Child. being better dependes on your will to progress and work with your ocd, and therapy could help you. ( and meds) I dont think its fair that Child should not be suffering under our ocd, be a helper or live with all our ocd rules. But with right treatment you can be better, and if you want children i would not let the ocd ruin your dreams. But get therapy first and take your time. ( dont know if my thoughts were helpful.)

Thank you Ailo for your response, yes it is helpful :) On the good day when my OCD doesn't bother me too much - I look at children and think that I would like to have one, on the bad day - I just think about getting by. :(

I have started the therapy again recently, I agree that it is not fair on the child to have a parent who's struggling with getting on with life because of the OCD.

Edited by Nomansland
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Thanks Anatta and HeadAboveWater,

I know what you mean I do get very low sometimes myself but then this feeling goes away and things look better. The chances of having a child with OCD are quite slim I read. But we only live once should we really just give up on our hopes?

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I suffered from an extreme case of OCD for a very long time. Still got married, had two wonderful boys. Looking back, I wouldn't have changed a thing. It was tough on me. OCD affected my relationship with my kids, but I'm glad things worked out the way they did. We people with OCD are a lot tougher than we sometimes think.

Thanks PolarBear, when you say your OCD affected your relationship with kids - in what way if I may ask?

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Because of my OCD theme I tended to be overly cautious around my kids. I had pedophile thoughts. It meant I would get sometimes very uncomfortable wrestling with them, setting one on my lap. Bath times were a challenge.

But I did it. I didn't push them totally away. We had a lot of fun times. Sometimes the OCD would get the best of me and I would shy away from them because of the thoughts going through my head. There are days I wish I had been closer to them when they were young but I managed and they grew up to be two solid young men, so I think I must have done something right.

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I know that you suffered from POCD, Polar, amongst other themes but how did you manage to cope with that particular theme when you had kids? Did it make it better or worse at all?

It wasn't easy. Trying to bath a young kid when you've got sexual abuse thoughts going around in your head was challenging. Doing something as simple as putting one of my boys on my lap was fraught with danger because I would be concerned that I would get a sensation in my groin and that meant I liked the feeling and would be confirmation that I was sick.

At the same time, many times I just ignored the thoughts and just did the dad thing. I didn't know at the time but that's exactly what I needed to do.

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Thanks Anatta and HeadAboveWater,

I know what you mean I do get very low sometimes myself but then this feeling goes away and things look better. The chances of having a child with OCD are quite slim I read. But we only live once should we really just give up on our hopes?

No, we should not give up our hopes.

I

Thank you Ailo for your response, yes it is helpful :) On the good day when my OCD doesn't bother me too much - I look at children and think that I would like to have one, on the bad day - I just think about getting by. :(

I have started the therapy again recently, I agree that it is not fair on the child to have a parent who's struggling with getting on with life because of the OCD.

I can identify with you thinking different about children depending on good or bad day.

I didnt mean that its not fair to a child havingen a parent with ocd, i meant its not ok to let ocd become a big part of the childs life. With making them be a part of our ocd rules and conpulsions. You cant help having ocd now, but you can do something about it and i think its not impossible to be good parents.

Like caramoole said. Should only perfect individuals produce? Some types of cancer is also genetic, but we dont say they shouldnt get children. ( i know it isnt the same, but i still dont think we should give up on the thoghts of having children, just because afraid of not being perfect parents.) Who is? But we all have different challenges, and children might not be right for everyone! But keep on working on your ocd, talk with your boyfriend, figure out if having a child is right for you and your life right now. Keep dreaming, and get the life you want.

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Guest Simplyme

It is an exaggeration to say that SSRIs "often cause birth defects" as there are some for which the risks are low. I had my son 7 months ago after taking Fluoxetine during my pregnancy and my son is perfectly healthy. Yes there are risks and it is important to seek medical advice but they are not a complete no go in pregnancy. I have struggled with my OCD severely since the birth of my son (around contamination) but he is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. The question is whether you want children anyway and if so, do you think you can manage your OCD around caring for a child.

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This is truly an impossible question for any of us to answer. I do know people with OCD who have coped well with raising children. I know others who were not too severely affected, prior to having children, and then struggled so badly. One friend of mine has four and her own mother keeps telling her she had no right to have them when her OCD has such an effect on them. It makes the question about whether a person is able to care for a child also an impossible one to answer, as OCD tends to worsen with pregnancy and childbirth.

As for the hereditary side of it, of course some experts still feel there is no genetic link. I think the evidence is too great to deny, but we can never know whether a child will develop it and how badly they'll suffer if they do.

We can then consider a world without Beethoven, Einstein, Johnson, Darwin,Tesla etc...

However, I do share Anatta's concerns about drugs and genetics and, but for my children, I would have opted out of life by now, I am sure of it.

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Just to balance the equation, there are thousands and thousands of sufferers who have chosen to have children and wouldn't change that decision under any circumstances, despite the difficulties......but there can be difficulties in life of different types and from different illnesses, conditions etc. Are we suggesting that only "Perfect" individuals should produce.

There would be far less suffering in the world if people with agonising genetic and partially genetic conditions either chose not to reproduce, as I have, or used technology to screen out eggs and sperm carrying the condition. I couldn't have a child, knowing that one of my descendants at some point down the line is likely to suffer as much as I have or even more. They might not have the advantages I have had that have enabled me not to kill myself, become homeless, become an addict etc., i.e. my supportive family, my diagnoses and treatment, and my IQ. Without those factors, I'd be working in a supermarket at best and most probably unemployed, because my particular set of disabilities means I'm awful at low-skilled jobs that are supposed to be easy, and without my ADHD medication I'd never have gotten through university or concentrate enough to hold down a job in the field I've gone into, so I wouldn't have a career.

Without diagnosis with both OCD and neurodevelopmental disorders, and without academic giftedness to compensate, I think it's highly likely I'd be dead right now, or at the very least an alcoholic, because before diagnosis with ADD I felt so hopeless I considered that maybe I should start drinking every day purely to prevent what felt like an inevitable impending suicide. Many people never get diagnosed, and I can't pass those problems on knowing that there's nothing I can do to ensure the same advantages help anyone affected.

Edited by anatta
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I agree, Anatta. My daughter won't have children as she feels as you do. My son, mercifully, got away without developing OCD, but sadly his first child has it. I feel extremely guilty. Years ago, I discussed the hereditary nature of OCD with both my two and they decided it was best not to have children. However, people change their minds and a health professional told my son that 'OCD is no big deal'!!! I tried not to let him see how badly I was suffering (when he lived at home) but given how I behave he knew my life was very hard. He is now really seeing how OCD can affect a young person's life.

Edited by Tricia
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Tricia, is this the same son who won't speak to you because he think you'd be able to recover if you tried hard enough? Is he patient with his child's condition so far? Maybe seeing them grow up with it will challenge his beliefs that it's not a big problem or that the only thing influencing outcome is willingness or desire.

I think there's also an important lesson for us all in your story, about hiding OCD from people. Even children. There's no need for them to know our darkest thoughts when young, but when they're mature enough I think honesty is the best policy. That's not just family but employers and teachers anyone else who might see the effects one day. People are more likely to believe us that it's really what's causing our dysfunction, if the disclosure or the extent of the problem isn't suddenly sprung on them from nowhere during a crisis. I recently told some people at work because it occurred to me that if I ever can't come in for mental health reasons, I'd have to leave a message about it by telephone, and most likely the person it would reach, wouldn't even know that OCD is a serious problem, or that it wouldn't necessarily have been apparent to them already.

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I do agree with you over being open about our OCD, Anatta. It has backfired on me a few times, but that's due to people's ignorance and the ignorance will remain if we don't all try to do something about it. As a group, we've been extremely secretive for centuries and the lack of awareness is our own fault - albeit due to embarrassment, fear and shame. As a group we are large in number, so, if every one of us did speak out about OCD, public opinion would change.

A dear friend of mine is in a terrible state right now. I advised her to explain to certain people that she has OCD, is really struggling and in need of help. (For almost six decades she has kept her OCD from almost everyone) In three different situations the people she confided in have been extremely kind and accommodating. All three admitted they didn't realize OCD could be so debilitating. Her honesty helped her through a very traumatic week and opened a few people's eyes to the true nature of OCD. A similar thing occurred when another friend was in a hospice, dying of lung cancer. His only concern was his obsession about harming others and the doctors and nurses were all shocked, and said they never realized how severe an illness OCD is.

Yes, I have only one son and sadly his child has OCD. A friend could actually see this was likely to occur. When I told her my son no longer seemed to have any empathy with anyone with OCD, she remarked that his attitude will soon change. it's early days and, of course, I sincerely hope my granddaughter's OCD is not too severe. As she is very young, my son seems to have a great deal of patience with her.

However, my daughter-in-law's sister has OCD, but quite mildly, and her symptoms are now what my son and his wife base their opinions of the condition on. If my granddaughter responds well to treatment (which naturally I want her to) they may well remain as hostile towards me. If she is very ill with her OCD then I feel they will blame me.

My son could not have been kinder or more supportive when he lived with the rest of the family. He changed dramatically after leaving home and much of that is down to what he has heard about OCD. Whereas he used to feel it was something I had no choice over, he has now come to believe that everyone can beat it if they want to. Of course he can read messages like that on on-line forums, which just reinforce this view.

P.S. When my children were quite young I was riddled with guilt that their childhoods were not as carefree as they should be. My mother could be intolerant at times, but did say that they could do all the things they were missing out on when they have their own children. My one wish was that their children would be free of OCD. It was unfair to inflict this on my children's lives and I now fear my son will go through it all again only with his own child. My poor daughter has OCD herself and would never have had children anyway (in case they inherited it). The guilt is indescribable.

Edited by Tricia
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