Breakthrough-there is hope.

[Guest nswitch]

Over two weeks ago now, my intrusive thoughts came back with a vengeance after a five year hiatus. They are generally linked to an ambition-but at the cost of a loved ones life/soul.

The spark was the death of my much loved nan. For the last week I have dealt with the grief of loosing someone I loved very much and the irrational, but obsessive fear that I had caused that death and possible doomed her to a horrible eternity in return for something I wanted.

to begin with, i began ruminating again, reassuring myself this wasn't the case. I started to look for reassurance this wasn't the case. I stopped work on my ambition because I believed if I did nothing towards it, my nan would be ok.

Then slowly, I started to fight again. I told myself this was my OCD. The thoughts were brain impulses linked to my hopes and fears-they were not what I wanted. So i could ignore them.

I began to work again. My mind tormented me with images of my nan suffering. I firmly pushed them away. I carried on. I stopped ruminating, I stopped looking for answers. I started to tell my thoughts 'you are OCD, nothing more. you are not me."

And slowly, sure enough, they have eased off. they are still there, lurking. Last night, they tried to change tack and chose someone else to torture me with. and when it happened, something amazing happened: I just acknowledged the thought, coolly brushed it off and refused to think about it anymore.

Today, I feel more sure about what the logical side of my brain already knows: my OCD has and cannot harm anyone except me. Today I am sitting down for the first time to do a proper days work. I know OCD is still lurking, but I know I can beat it again.

So really, I just wanted to post this message to let everyone else going through their own personal hell today that the techniques do work-even if we have forgotten they do and we are in that black pit of despair.

Also, as an end note, I also think that my OCD is somehow linked to my lack of self esteem- or rather feeds off it. Thinking about it, it seems I don't believe I am capable/worthy of achieving anything in life without causing harm to someone else. Self esteem is an area i am now going to work on to see if that helps build up my defences against future attacks.

[Guest nidu]

Well done nswitch...lets all of us prove that ocd is not stronger than us n our will power...all the best..x

[Caramoole]

Well Done you for taking this head on at a difficult time, I'm so pleased it's paid you back positively

[Guest Orwell1984]

Brilliant nswitch - and that is the most important transition to beating this thing! :)

[Guest nswitch]

I'm in a better place than I was a week ago. Ocd still tries to get me to doubt myself- even to the extent it tries to convince me I don't have OCD at all and that the thoughts are because I'm just bad. But because I've made some headway, I feel better- and because of that I can cope with these doubts.