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I had a day off yesterday but didn’t have enough to keep me busy so I started ruminating at some stage and managed to convince myself that I must have done the horrible things in the past that I have been worrying about. This morning, I woke up and was hit by a wave of anxiety. I walked through a bit of snow to the bus stop and waiting for my bus. It was still dark but I saw a girl delivering papers across the street. I got hit by a huge wave of anxiety and kept getting an urge to look at her to see if I found her attractive. This is a compulsion I have because of my worry that I’m attracted to teenagers. I think I looked but couldn’t see from a distance. I can’t be sure, the anxiety was so high. It almost felt like I was excited- then that hit me, “what if I was excited?”.

I feel like a scumbag now for looking and feel scared that I was excited. I feel terrible because I acted on a compulsion. I’m so tired. I just want this to stop.

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I just feel so disgusting and ashamed PB. It's really getting me down

That's because you've attached a strong emotion to an insignificant event.

I got hit by a huge wave of anxiety and kept getting an urge to look at her to see if I found her attractive. This is a compulsion I have because of my worry that I’m attracted to teenagers.

As you've identified for yourself, a compulsion....a checking behaviour, known to worsen and maintain the obsessive thought.

“what if I was excited?”.

...and there's the thought, the one that brings the whole pack of cards tumbling down :( What If?

This has left you in a place of extreme fear with a burning need to "solve" the problem.....you're seeking to do this by carrying out compulsions mostly rumination (going over the event to try and work it out) and seeking reassurance (hoping something will be said that will "click" and make it stop)

refocus on what is important -- not performing compulsions.

I wish there was a more instant solution sometimes but what PB has said is the answer. OCD is maintained and supported by carrying out compulsions, some are obvious ones....some less so but you have to examine exactly what you're doing in your head. You have to identify the things and work to stop them.

So we know rumination and reassurance....there are probably others too. What are you saying to yourself? There are often thought stopping statements going on like "I would never do that" " I'm a good person".......or perhaps the opposite, self-loathing statements like "I am evil and dangerous"

You have to accept that the cause of this episode is OCD....even though you're finding it hard to believe

You have to work today to refuse to ruminate. When that nagging question, the need to investigate crops up....you refuse to go there, you redirect your mind back to the here and now. It will keep trying to draw you back in to the debate. You keep redirecting back to the moment as many times as it takes. Rumination has become a habit, a method of trying to solve things. You need to forge a new habit and it takes time and repetition.

There is nothing to solve here, nothing to investigate, nothing to work out.......other than a way of not buying into the intrusions and doubt.

Come on Binxy.....Starting right now 14.36pm get working on shutting the door on those ruminations and keep doing it. Let's see how you're doing later today

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Thanks Caramoole. The checking behaviour never gives me an answer, only anxiety. I always feel unsure as to whether I find the girl attractive. This makes me feel worse becuase I don't want to be attracted to teenagers. It's disgusting and I feel so ashamed.

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I don't want to be attracted to teenagers
It's disgusting and I feel so ashamed.

Those are examples of some of the statements you are probably making to yourself that may seem harmless but are also compulsions. Try to recognise them and eliminate them, they're all part and parcel of the things that are keeping you locked in.

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Terrified again. Just cycled into work and went past a paper shop. I can remember that there used to be someone pretty that worked in there and I would cycle past that way in order to see if she was working. I know kin the past I've worried that I would be cycling past because there are teenagers in there now I can't be sure why I cycled past. Anxiety is so high now.

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Im sorry that you are feeling bad and have high anxiety. try to remind yourself to not ruminate and that this is your ocd speeking. you have not done anything wrong. why are you looking for bad things that probably never happened? you are a human being you know, we cant choose what comes in to our mind. but we can choose to try to stop ruminating about it. dont give these irational thought so much attention. you feed your ocd. i dont know if this were helpful, but i want to tell you that you are not alone finding ocd and anxiety hard. stay strong, keep fighting

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Thanks ailo. I'm feeling a bit better now. It was horrible earlier, I felt so scared that this means I'm a horrible person. It could simply be my OCD that caused me to want to look as a checking behaviour. I would never do anything, it makes me feel sick just thinking about it. I'm finding it hard not to ruminate.

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Do you have some advices what to do when you are getting into ruminating? i know its hard. 1. be aware that you are ruminating 2. stop ruminating. find some distractions. i know its not as easy as i wrote, but try to not ruminate for hours. it will probably not come anything good out of it. im glad you are feeling better.

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Thanks. I feel guilty when I don't ruminate because it feels like I am ignoring something horrible about myself. I know I need to stop, I'm still trying to neutralise this worry rather than simply letting it go.

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i guess ocd makes us feel that it is importent to ruminate. to go on for hours looking for answars who we cannot find.

maybe it make us feel better for a while, but we are feeding the ocd. its awful to feel guilty and like a horrible person, and i get why you want to neutralise the worries. But you will maintain in your fears and letting go would be hard. but you know you have to stop ruminating, it is a conpulsion.

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I just wish I could remember why I would cycle past that way to work. I know I've questioned it before, now I'm worrying that it was to look at teenagers. I can't remember properly and I really want to resolve it but can't.

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I feel terrible for even posting this but in the last three hours I've been suffering so much. My worry is around teenage girls. I feel bad for checking out older looking teenage girls. I've even looked at a lass in school uniform before when she got on the bus. Even though she looked 17-18 years old I feel awful for looking. Today I'm terrified that there is something wrong with me or that I'm some sort of sick monster. The thought of doing anything sexual with a teenager disgusts me but I'm still bothered by the fact that I will have a look in the same way I'll have a look at people my own age. Is there any chance someone can put my mind at ease on this subject.

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You are prolonging your agony by performing compulsions. You think about the situation, then you punish yourself for having such thoughts. It's a trap and you need to get out of it. Let it go. Refuse to get drawn into a mind battle over this. Leave it alone.

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