Crippling OCD..new to forum.

[Guest adaves]

Hi guys,

I've been struggling with OCD for a few years now. Intrusive thoughts have never been as bad as they are now. I was diagnosed in 2011 at the age of 18 with OCD. Its beginning to affect my relationship with my family and friends. Also, my ability to focus on reality is getting much harder to do. I obsess, I have compulsions that I sometimes or do not act on. Currently, its this chair I'm sitting in. Its not symmetrical to the wall. I want to keep it in line with my television, but when I'm typing on my computer, I feel like the computer is too far away from me in the chair, so i want it centered. There is no in-between. If its alright with you guys, I want to post videos regarding my obsessions and anxiety, and just the flat out feeling like i'm dying internally. not sure if the video will help in explaining what is happening right now, but the chair is not my only obsession.

I feel like no one really understands OCD where i'm from. If only they could get a glimpse of the intrusive thoughts, they might know. I've already lost a friend over my disability and my family isn't too far away.

I'm in therapy, but my therapist told me last week ..she said "How do you know other people don't have OCD?" referring to pretty much everyone on the planet when i told her how bad i was struggling and couldn't grasp onto reality. if everyone was suffering from OCD, I wouldn't have a problem. It would be a norm. she's not a good therapist i guess. i'm on 50mg Luvox and 1mg klonopin a day. honestly, medication flattens me out and may be just as bad as the OCD in that i can't think or get my words across.

I'm going to post a link to the video.

thank you guys for reading and listening...any sufferers, does it get better? will i be able to live successfully in the world with this illness?

link to video below.

https://youtu.be/GMLLbW0U9cs

Edited November 27, 2015 by adaves

[Em24]

What is your concern with the computer being close to you? I don't mean that in a patronising way! I just wasnt sure what you ment in the video.

Whatever is making you uncomfortable, whether its the chair being out of line or the computer being close to your face.. Do it and stay there. Keep at it, expose yourself to whatever the fear or anxiety is, don't ruminate on it- trying to work out if it will or won't be closer to you, whether its physics or not etc is a comuplsion.

I feel like the video is a kind of compulsion? Like you want an answer to your concern from one of us?

I've had OCD for about 15 years, mine has usually been Harm themed. I got treatment after having my 1st son 5 years ago as it was deeply effecting my enjoyment as a mum. I did CBT and got better, however I didnt grasp the nature of OCD at that time. I saw it as CBT will make the thoughts go away. But that isnt how it works. So mine came back after the birth of my 2nd child. I know the workings of OCD now though so recovery was fast and effective for me 2nd time round.

OCD is the anxious response to normal thoughts - not the thoughts themselves. Whatever type of theme people have going on, OCD is always the same. Your brain sends out a false anxiety signal and makes your body scream DANGER. So for you the symmetry thing makes you feel anxious?

The only effective way to rid yourself of OCD anxiety is by exposing yourself to the thing that you fear. So whatever makes you uncomfy.. do it. Time yourself if need be, do it for a few minutes or even seconds if thats all you can manage to start off with. Then build it up, don't be too soft on yourself, push yourself to as far as you can go each time and please don't give up!

When u do the exposure you will gradually feel less bothered about it. Just be cautious as I'm sure you know OCD will often latch onto other things. So be alert for any new obsessions manifesting.

Emma x

[Guest adaves]

Hi Emma. Thank you for responding. I'm glad you're learning to cope with your OCD! Thats awesome!

I actually don't act on my compulsions (ex. moving the chair). I haven't in a long time. Like you, my therapist said not acting on it will calm my anxiety. However, when I sit here and have irrational thoughts, obsessions, without doing the compulsions, that causes me anxiety too.

The fear i'm having with the chair and laptop is if I move my chair to the left, will the laptop move closer to being symmetrical with my eyes? For some reason, my mind wants to think if I move the chair to the left, the laptop will move to the left as well, making it closer and straight on with my face.

However, I know this is irrational, because no matter where I move the chair, the laptop will be in the same position, and my viewing angle won't change.

I don't know. I often wish I had a body double who could reality check for me. I'm sure you've experienced this. Wanting the irrational thoughts to go away by having someone tell you reality and then you grasp onto that. I think every OCD sufferer wants realistic thoughts.

How were you able to get rid of the irrational thinking, if I may ask.

Also, don't worry about being patronizing. This is a judge free zone. I don't understand my illness, but I want to. And I want to know reality again. Or rather, not know, but want to live in a world not full of irrational fears. Does this make sense?

Thanks Emma.

Edited November 28, 2015 by adaves

[Guest adaves]

Also, Emma, if you or anyone sees this, are there any online chats that I can take place in on this forum? Does anyone know of somewhere where I can chat live with other OCD sufferers? Having people to talk to really does help.

Edited November 28, 2015 by adaves

[Guest adaves]

here is a new video trying to explain the chair. i guess you could say i need someone to do a reality check for me. to tell me that what i'm talking about isn't possible and why.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRkSJ19_N0Q

Edited November 28, 2015 by adaves

[Guest yinyang]

Hi adaves,

When you become a member you can use the online chat room. There used to be regular group chat's that were useful for helping each other but I don't know if that happens anymore.

Emma's advice was good. Although you say you don't carry out the physical act of moving the chair, having someone do a reality check for you is a compulsion also, usually a more covert compulsion that we call reassurance seeking.

Remember, a compulsion is a reaction to your anxiety/intrusive thoughts (which can be physical or mental) in an attempt to find relief.

http://www.ocduk.org/obsessions-compulsions

http://www.ocduk.org/siteimages/OCD/ocd-cycle.jpg

Resisting the Compulsions and sitting with the anxiety is the only sure way to beating the disorder but it isn't easy and takes a lot if practice

[Em24]

here is a new video trying to explain the chair. i guess you could say i need someone to do a reality check for me. to tell me that what i'm talking about isn't possible and why.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRkSJ19_N0Q

I noticed in your new video you mentioned the irrational tic in your brain - I would think that is the OCD doubt? Also you mention double guessing yourself - that sounds to me like a mental compulsion. I bet you think about the chair/laptop/TV positioning alot and keep trying to work out the answer? Ruminating is a compulsion. My OCD is rumination based, I dont have physical compulsions at all. It could easily take up hours of my day just thinking about stuff, it was exhausting!

You're never going to find an answer to your question, the doubt will come back and you'll start all over again...So what if you have to strain your neck? Whats the worst that could happen? You might end up with a sore neck for a day or two? But most likely you wont ?

The best way to let the anxiety sit is to get on with whatever you were doing before it struck. So if you were on the computer or watching TV, just keep at it. Don't give in to the temptation to start working it all out again

Hope this helps x

[Em24]

I showed my husband your video I hope you don't mind! He said the way you were talking was exactly the same as how I was when my OCD was bad. He said its like your trying to talk yourself round in the video, trying to find the answer or the logic in your situation.

I used to reassurance seek alot with him so he heard my OCD ramblings a hell of a lot for a good 3 years! X

[Guest adaves]

i know this probably isn't healthy but...moving the chair isn't going to bring the computer any closer to my face.. is it? the chair moves, the arm rest moves...no matter where the chair is positioned in correlation to the wall.

i know this to be reality deep down, but these thoughts are telling me different..

so, i guess i'm asking you guys for a reality check?

Also, thank you guys so much for sharing your stories and tips. I'm going to therapy once a week now and i'm also reading a book called The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD . Do you all have any book recommendations? Do you have a book you love that has helped you?

Edited November 29, 2015 by adaves

[Em24]

i know this probably isn't healthy but...moving the chair isn't going to bring the computer any closer to my face.. is it?

I'm sorry but I'm really careful about questions like this, I feel like you are seeking reassurance that you are correct. You already know the answer deep down though. I've been in the behaviour pattern that you are stuck in at the mo and me answering your question really isn't going to help in the long run.

Leave it alone, it is what it is, its not wortg all this time you are spending thinking about it ☺

[Em24]

I've read Break Free From OCD and Brain Lock. Both were helpful to an extent, I took bits out of each book that I liked and put them into practise. One book reffered to God a fair few times which put me off a bit but I cant remember which one that was!