Intrusive thoughts of harming - feel rubbish

[Break free]

Hi all, I haven't posted anything on this forum in a while. Things have been ticking along quite nicely and I have been able to manage my OCD intrusive thoughts well with the use of 30 mg Mirtazapine daily at night - along with daily mindfulness meditation/mindfulness techniques.

However....

A massive 'spike' has occurred. I think it was created whilst I was watching Louis Therox's documentary on a mental health inpatient ward recently - where one particular patient killed his father. This threw up loads of intrusive thoughts, images and feelings after I watched the tv programe. I imagined what it would be like to kill your own parent and then thought how horrible it would be. Then after and for several days now I see images of me possibly harming my mother, and intrusive thoughts keep being thrown up when I least expect it. I of course do not want to do this - and have no plan to!!! But as we all know - OCD makes you believe things that are in no way part of your personality. I feel intense guilt for thinking these things and feel rubbish.

I apply my mindfulness techniques I really do - which is essentially just becoming more and more aware of the thoughts and watch them pass by - like clouds in the sky, There is always the clear blue sky behind the clouds, it's just a case of watching the clouds and not reacting to them.

It is really grinding me down and I feel awful for thinking such disturbing images and thoughts towards my mum who I cherish so much. I would value any of your thoughts and experiences regarding this.

Thanks so much

[PolarBear]

You shouldn't be feeling awful for thinking up such images. You aren't thinking up the images. OCD is making them pop into your head. Give yourself a break. A mental disorder is causing you to think/see these images.

In addition to the mindfulness, you need to work to not perform compulsions. Ruminating will be the big one -- going over the images, what they say about you, what they mean, whether you would or wouldn't do such things, etc.

[Break free]

Thanks Polar

You are definitely correct. I am aware the whole ruminating thing is one of the biggest obstacles I need to work on. I think I shall add this awareness level to my mindfulness practice.

Take care