Struggling with suicidal thoughts

[Guest IndigoRose]

Hello Everyone,

I am new to the forum and currently really struggling with my OCD. I was diagnosed when I was 10 and my OCD has gone in waves of manageable to severe.

I am struggling with constant suicidal thoughts and thoughts of death. I am not on meds, but am awaiting CBT, I have tried several different types of meds but I am now reluctant to try new ones due to previous suicide attempts.

My family is very unsupportive as they have a very negative view on mental illness. I am very detached from them and friends and becoming more and more isolated.

I am just wondering if anyone else is struggling with the same and what you do to get through it. If anybody has any advice that would be great.

Thank you.

[dksea]

Hi IndigoRose, welcome to the forums! I'm sorry that you are struggling right now and sorry that you aren't getting support from your family, I'm sure that makes dealing with OCD even harder. I hope the resources from OCD-UK both this forum and the charity itself can provide you with more of the support you need and deserve! I'm glad to hear you are going to be seeing someone for CBT soon, though I wonder if maybe they would speed that process up if they new about your history of suicide attempts and what you are struggling with now. Have you spoken with anyone (doctor, etc.) about that?

Regarding your suicidal thoughts and thoughts of deaths, I guess it depends on whether these are genuine suicidal thoughts (like feeling so helpless that you think suicide is your only option) or obsessive fears of or about suicide (what if I hurt myself, what if I become suicidal, etc.). Both are obviously distressing, but the response to each is somewhat different and I only have experience with the later.

First, if you are feeling suicidal, and thinking/planning on taking action on those thoughts, if you feel like its your only option, etc. its important you get help as soon as you can. Since I see you are in the UK by your flag, you can contact Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/) (phone: 08457 90 90 90) 24/7 to talk with someone who can help you. There are probably other resources you can get locally, but I'm not familiar with those being from the States myself I know you may be feeling overwhelmed right now, OCD can definitely do that, but there is hope available and I hope by reaching out here you are seeing that. So please, please if you are at risk for suicide right now, please do whatever you can to get the help you deserve.

Second, if you're suicide thoughts are more related to fears of/about suicide, that I can relate to directly because in the past 7 years that's been one of my major recurring fears. I know from experience it can be very frightening. It got so bad for me at one point that I went in to the urgent care center at my local hospital because I was so scared I might hurt myself. Fortunately with the help of my doctor and therapist I've managed to get it pretty much under control. The trick is to treat it like any other OCD worry, to identify it as an OCD driven fear and not a genuine desire, to accept that you'll feel anxiety and doubt but that it will pass, and over time like other OCD fears you confront using CBT it will fade.

Even if you think its probably OCD, I still recommend talking to your doctor or therapist about it as soon as possible, just to be on the safe side. In general the difference is that OCD fears are the fear/doubt/worry ABOUT something, where its more that you are afraid it COULD happen or MIGHT happen and you can't seem to be sure it won't, even if you try and argue yourself out of it. On the other hand if you have started thinking about suicide as an escape or a legitimate option, especially if you have started planning how you might do it, then that's likely not OCD and you should follow the advice I gave up above and get help as soon as you can.

I hope you find all that information helpful, and I hope you get the help you need soon and can begin your recovery. One last suggestion, that might help you with your family, it might help to have your doctor or therapist talk to them and explain that mental illnesses like OCD are not due to a person being "weak" or anything but are caused by genuine physiological issues, no different than for a person with diabetes or Parkinson's disease. Maybe having someone with medical expertise tell them would help them reconsider and be more supportive. I'd ask your doctor/therapist about it when you can as well.

[Guest IndigoRose]

Hi dksea, thank you for your reply.

I haven't spoken to my doctor about my suicidal thoughts as I am very afraid of being hospitalised.

The suicidal thoughts for me are thoughts not related to my OCD most probably related to depression. They can also take the form of suicidal obsession as I attempted suicide during an episode of psychosis and I fear that will happen again. I am going to see my doctor again as after speaking with someone yesterday they made me aware of BDD which looks like it could be very likely and it would explain a lot. Hopefully I will be able to get my treatment moved forwards too.

In regards to my family, doctors have explained many times to them about my mental illness to no prevail. The stigma is just to much for some people unfortunately, whether you are family or not.

[dksea]

I'm sorry to hear that your efforts to educate your family haven't helped, that's very unfortunate and must be hard for you. I hope you can find at least some of the support you need here on the forum.
I can also understand your reluctance to talk with your doctor, there is a lot of stigma associated with hospitalization, but do keep in mind that whether that's the step they take or any other steps, the goal is to make sure you get the help you need and avoid something bad happening, like you trying suicide again. Obviously its not ideal, but do keep in mind that many people who make suicide attempts get help and go on to lead much happier lives because of it. Hopefully the steps you are taking now and the help you get will let you avoid taking that step though!