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Is there ever a diagnosis?


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Hi all! I'm new and thought it about time to start having discussions about my issues to shed some light on them.

I have seen my doctor regularly for most of my adult life regarding my anxiety. Essentially, what I describe to my gp is a very accurate symptom list for GAD, checking orientated OCD (emails, news communication and the post are my particular penchants, but I'm also a bit of a one for symmetry and order), compulsive skin and nail picking (scabs, spots, unruly hairs, toenail removal). I'm a catastrophiser with a massive persecution complex which stems from an imposter complex. I'm always waiting to be exposed. I'm a perfectionist and extensive thinker in all kinds of odd complexities. I do NOT relax. I'm told I'm high functioning (see the problem here?!) I'm a university lecturer who genuinely doubts I should be allowed to own a goldfish. I've procured these self diagnoses through my own research but I've never had it diagnosed by my gp, despite going into specific and articulate length as to the symptoms. I'm treated with citalopram (have been for years on and off), current dose 20mg but I tend not to take it very often due to the imposter complex which makes me feel I'm not actually entitled to it. I've been referred to CBT in the past but short courses after long waits are met with counsellors who don't seem to 'get it'. I become exasperated at the lack of empathy/compatibility, time and support and the old imposter bit kicks in and I'm off. I think my seeming confidence and articulation works against me as the general response I get from health practitioners is one of the assumption that because I self analyse, reflect and articulate at length, the problem isn't as dense as I think it is. But it is. I live in a constant state of varying turmoil. If a scale of 0 was total zen and 10 was utter anxiety Armageddon, I don't think I've ever been below 5 in my living memory. I put up a good front. Another thing that reinforces my sense of social fraudulence. As a result, no one has ever said, "your diagnosis is.....". It perhaps means little but the context of my problems might actually be aleviated by a definition. Without that definition, my sense of fraudulence is underpinned. I also have children and feel as though if I labour these issues, it will mean I will be scrutinised as a good parent and then I catastrophise.... Does this sound familiar to anyone? I feel like the only person in the world. I don't even know if this forum is relevant or even if I'm entitled to say this/be here. Turmoil, turmoil, turmoil. Thanks in advance.

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Welcome to the forum and I feel it is very relevant to you!

Everything you wrote sounds familiar, although a few of your comments apply more to some of my friends than to me. (I am not on your intellectual level and they are).

I may be chastised for this, but I don't think a GP is the best person to diagnose OCD (in many cases GPs know little about the disorder). In fact, an intelligent person who knows themselves well and has read about OCD is far more likely to accurately diagnose.

I do fully appreciate your sentences here: "I think my seeming confidence and articulation works against me as the general response I get from health practitioners is one of the assumption that because I self analyse, reflect and articulate at length, the problem isn't as dense as I think it is. But it is."

This is a problem I have had in the past and I know many people who experience the same. In my case, I was only taken seriously when my OCD became almost totally disabling.

I think you have to stop 'putting up a good front". My father, who was incredibly private, repeatedly told me that I needed to let the professionals see how I really was suffering. I found it very difficult and remained calm and collected in front of them, bottling my emotions up. Even when I explained my problems, I realized I didn't come across as really needing help. However, I did desperately need it and I shouldn't have let it reach the point where I could no longer hide it.

I have an obsessional personality, which has been described as high functioning (I am a perfectionist etc.). It often accompanies OCD (though not always) but the personality traits, which can be very positive, differ greatly from OCD which is always negative.

​I would ask your GP for a referral, or see a psychologist/psychiatrist privately. If you can't verbally be absolutely open with how you are suffering, write it all down for them beforehand.

Edited by Tricia
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Guest Pure obsessional Laura

Yes your situation sounds very familiar. It's hard when you can talk about your symptoms intelligently because the professionals think that you are not as bad/ ill as you really are.

I got referred to a psychologist in the end because I got so desperate for it all to stop that I had thoughts about ending it. When I spoke to the psychologist she finally understood because she was familiar with Pure Obsession. It changed my life just to be understood. GP's won't ever get it unless you're lucky to get one who has a passion for mental health, you need to get referred

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I'm very pleased you've received help. Being listened to and understood makes the world of difference.

You are right about GPs, I suppose they are spread too thinly, but I was very lucky with mine.

I wrote a thread on here a while back, quoting a GP whose book I had been reading. He appeared to be mocking the condition. My own GP feels that when OCD is severe it's one of the worst conditions to endure.

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Guest nicolam381318

Welcome to the forums.

I have the same problem. I've seen my GP a few times, but every time I've been able to accurately articulate what was wrong and what needed to do done and I think they got the impression that things were under control. In reality, I had recognised that things weren't right, I knew that things were going downhill fast and I needed help - but I obviously didn't get this across well enough. I tried writing things down, which helped a bit, but I still came away with very little practical help. Things have got considerably worse for me and I'm now going to have to go back to the GP and really lay it on the line. I feel quite frustrated, to be honest, because I've been going backwards and forwards for months telling them that things weren't right but no-one seems to want to intervene until you reach crisis point. I think the confusing thing with OCD is that it's generally a lucid condition. There is no psychosis, we know exactly what's going on and we know it's not right. It's quite unlike any other mental illness when the sufferer is quite clearly unwell to everyone but themselves.

Your story does ring a lot of bells with me and I really hope you get the help you need.

Edited by nicolam381318
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