Postnatal/maternal ocd

[Guest Wannabe-normal mama]

I'm new to this site and I had my baby nearly a year ago. Me and my partner tried for 9 months and I'd nearly gave up hope of conceiving so when I did I was over the moon. But that didn't last to long I became obsessed the baby would die I had to hear the heart beat everyday just to make sure all was ok. I never really new this was ocd anyways I had a healthy baby and I did for the most part stop obsessing. Apart from checking they were breathing.

So after 6 fairly happy months I had my first intrusive thoughts about my baby after watching a tv programme and from that point until now I have been stuck in a rut. I sank into depression and I feel like my dreams of motherhood are ruined. I'm currently having cbt which does help but it's hard when your, your own worst enemy. I have so many questions maybe if I new the answers I could move on slightly!!

How do I know I'm not a bad person??

Maybe I've always been like this??

Why have I thought bad things??

What do they mean about me as a person??

Who am I??

Any answers/help/insight would be greatly appreciated.

X

[Guest Sisyphus]

I'm new to this site and I had my baby nearly a year ago. Me and my partner tried for 9 months and I'd nearly gave up hope of conceiving so when I did I was over the moon. But that didn't last to long I became obsessed the baby would die I had to hear the heart beat everyday just to make sure all was ok. I never really new this was ocd anyways I had a healthy baby and I did for the most part stop obsessing. Apart from checking they were breathing.

So after 6 fairly happy months I had my first intrusive thoughts about my baby after watching a tv programme and from that point until now I have been stuck in a rut. I sank into depression and I feel like my dreams of motherhood are ruined. I'm currently having cbt which does help but it's hard when your, your own worst enemy. I have so many questions maybe if I new the answers I could move on slightly!!

Hi WNM and welcome.

Well done for getting CBT, that's as good a start as you can make.

I'm not exaclty an OCD expert(!) but I'm gonna go ahead and try to answer those questions based on what I've read about the subject so far:

How do I know I'm not a bad person??

How can any of us ever know the answer to that question really? Our notions of good and bad are very much man-made ideas and everyone's definition is different. Is anyone truly all good or all bad. I seriously doubt it.

However what you can know beyond reasonable doubt is that you have a disorder called OCD which we know plants regular false doubts and fears into the sufferer's mind, accompanied by extreme anxiety. So you can probably put your concerns about being a bad person down to OCD and treat it as any other OCD doubt.

i.e. assume it's completely unfounded/false and don't engage it but distract yourself until it goes away; and continue doing that until the whole thing dies away over time.

Maybe I've always been like this??

Not sure I understand this one. Always been like what?

If you mean always had OCD then maybe. Some say it's genetic, others say it's learned, others say that life events can bring it on. I feel like I've always had mine.

But if you mean always been this bad person you think you are because of the OCD thoughts, then I'm afraid you're barking up the wrong tree. You are not and never have been that person.

Why have I thought bad things??

Because you have a disorder called OCD which, as it has been very thoroughly demonstrated by now, makes the sufferer regularly fixate on terrible fears and doubts about being or becoming opposites of what they are, or doing things they find abhorrent. And as we, very naturally, attempt to dismantle these poison thoughts, unbeknownst to ourselves, we are ensuring they come back more often and with more potency. Until it takes over our lives.

What do they mean about me as a person??

All that they mean about you is that you have OCD. Other than that absolutely diddly squat, because by virtue of being OCD thoughts, they are all false and unfounded. Not a reflection of who you are, but a reflection of who you are not.

So good news all round!

But it can be hard to see and accept this at first.

Who am I??

Good question. I would say that at the moment you are you, but being mauled by OCD; but I would argue that the real you is you minus all the OCD thoughts and fears.

I hope those answers are OK, and that you can find some good info about OCD and treating it on this forum.

All the best,

David.