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so its not just me, this feels strange


Guest missflitty

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Guest missflitty

Hi, I am definately not the type of person who joins forums, I cancelled my Facebook because sometimes it all can seem 'abit cheesy', to me.

I'm sorry if it comes across abit cold, I'm not at all. I'm an overly conscious person, I stress 'overly', when it comes to me though, it just feels arkward.

I know I'm an OCD sufferer, I have been since I can remember my first obsessive thoughts and repetative ritual to temporarily sustain the feeling of anxiety and negative thoughts. I was 13, I'm now 33.

I watched a programme on tv about it, it seemed very extreme, flicking a switch 10 times before leaving the house!, pft, least I'm not like that, could be worse, I can beat this myself, I've been hiding it for years.

I can't and I havnt, after reading this site I've seen that my OCD has moved from and between 4 of the types, from anxious, negative compulsive thoughts to rituals I never thought I'd have/do. Things now are in numbers, 1 means I'm in my own, 2 and 3s good, 4s really bad, 5s not great but 6 is better......and it goes on. Sometimes if I'm busy it never enters my head but mostly and I suppose even mostly when I'm busy, and or not busy it does. I think I've mastered the art of camouflaging it, at home, in work, friends etc. Although my kids think I'm weired sometimes, my ex husband thought it was funny but cute and puzzling how I'd have to touch my nose occasionally, luckily for him he couldn't see inside my head but I managed to make it humerous. U had a baby a year ago, a new partner and a new home, job. My job is so so stressful, my beautiful daughter is an angel but so 24/7, my anxiety is almost full time, my head feels full to capacity and my negative thoughts and compulsions are daily, the best way I could describe the way I feel is, breathless, full, scared, almost pathetic when I think of everything else that's going on in the world, my problems aren't or shouldn't even be that bad. I'd describe as what I'd love to help is a 'brain holiday', if I could switch off just for a while, if I could feel stronger mentally, be someone who doesn't worry about everything as I pretend to be to the majority, I think , I know I'd be a happier person. Does anyone feel like they almost have a split personality?,.this worrying, compulsive, anxious, tired, scared and irritable person but with the real u at the core shouting 'what are you doing, 'wind your neck in', your better than this? Sometimes I am this person and I feel confident and happy, just not as much as I want to be back to me.

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Guest Pastadish

Hello again. Only it's me responding to your post this time. A lot of what you say rings so true with my rituals. Since I've been on here, I've not managed to find anyone who has a similar strain of my OCD. It's odd in a way, everyone on here has one thing in common: OCD, a compulsion to perform rituals, but they differ in so many ways.

I would love to know more about you numbers. I don't feel I properly understood it. I took it that you have certain numbers you respond well to and others you don't? Or is it a scale of some sort?

I recall the comedian Jon Richardson saying on a TV programme once on an unrelated topic, 'I hate my mind.' It struck a nerve, because there are times when I too hate my mind and what it is capable of too. From what I've read, it is the most powerful muscle in your body. And I hate it when it sneaks up on you unawares and makes you perform rituals and makes you feel like you're losing control. The worse thing about it is. to the casual observer, who has no apparent psychological issues, our behaviour, at best, is odd. At it's worst, is well quite frankly, from their point of view down right weird. To us however, we have to perform these rituals otherwise the world we live in falls apart.

You touched on something very important, the fact that you lead a busy life, what with your daughter and work. Some people who I have discussed my OCD with at great length to, have often countered my claim by saying that if I were really busy, you just wouldn't have time to obsess and ritualise things. What they don't understand, is stress is the very thing which makes it even worse and heighten my anxiety levels. and makes my OCD worse. So I'm not sure their case holds much water.

Speaking of which, on the subject of the kettle scenario, it's association, a link, similarities, not able to differentiate between the reality of the situation and drawing on the similarities of two very different things, what causes confusion, enabling my mind to convince me that the water that I'm putting into the kettle is not in fact water, but something else instead. if I'm on my own, I will sometimes say out loud, by way of reinforcement, what I'm actually doing. But because I live in a flat, I'm anxious people will hear me chatting away, and knowing I live on my own, and naturally assume I'm, well...perhaps, need I say it?!? So, I' try to think it instead, or at the very least, say it quietly. But that doesn't seem enough. Quiet, or thought-words are not as strong, or imposing as those spoken out loud. This enables 'other' unwanted thoughts to creep in to your head too. Even saying a word which sounds as though it could be, similar sounding, to that of an unwanted word poses a problem. It's not just the word itself, it's the associated thought which stems from that word, which is often problem for me.

My OCD is layered, and as I pointed out to my clinical psychologist (I've had two stints at therapy) there is a hierarchy to it. And this drawing on, association, link, connection is the one at the top which I haven't yet been able to fix. Because my OCD affects me in various aspects of my life, this 'looking at the wider picture' has helped.

JK

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