New to forum

[TenerifeSea]

Hi all,

This is my first post on the OCD forum as I've only recently identified myself as a potential sufferer of OCD, but I think I've had symptoms of it for quite a while.

I'm 28 years old now, male, live with my partner and have a well paid stable job. I'm a sociable person, and have always enjoyed the company of others - including plenty of nights out drinking in my younger years and until now.

For a number of years now though, I've been someone plagued with worry - and it seems to be getting worse. It all started about six years ago - when I became paranoid about having caught an STD while on a lads holiday. It seemed a daft worry, because I'd used protection throughout - meaning obviously the odds were very low already - less than 1% statistically. Still though, I worried, and worried. I thought it could be a serious thing like HIV, and if that were true I'd be properly shamed. I'd have failed my family and have done something that'd have lasting effects - or so the line of thought went. Anyway, I ended up getting checked - and of course, hadn't caught anything.

That was enough to rid myself of that worry, after a good year to 18 months of intense internet research (for probability), I felt cured. A huge weight that wasn't ever there had been lifted from my shoulders.

The worries returned though, in a different form. They would usually revolve around a theme of me having done something terrible when drunk that I couldn't remember (theres an alcohol theme emerging here). I'd worry for days and weeks on end - asking my friends about things I'd done on nights out etc. Eventually the fear would subside, but I gained a reputation for being very paranoid when hungover.

When driving nowadays I sometimes have the realisation that I can't remember every yard of road driven over the last 2 hours. I sometimes feel compelled to go back over the route and check I didn't run anyone over in the time I've forgotten. Of course, when I've gone back over the route, I've not run anyone over, but I feel compelled to check before I can relax.

A fear I have at the moment relates to something that happened between 8 and 9 years ago, during a night out at university. A long time ago, and something I only have a patchy memory of. There was a disagreement in a nightclub, and it spilled out in to a fight between my friend and a random person. Out on the street things got ugly briefly, and my memory of the event is hazy, but until now I've always remembered the fight being broken up.

Only recently has this resurfaced in my memory. As an awful horror that I may have caused someone serious harm. I'd always remembered it until now as that NOT being the case - but what if my memory was wrong? Now (last couple of weeks) it seems my memory of the event is changing, and I remember it as potentially being awful. The most violent and terrible, shameful, disgusting thing imaginable. It's making me panic. I keep checking for evidence of the night, checking police appeals, checking for news articles relating to it. I even got to page 25 of a google search. Nothing. "Of course not" my girlfriend tells me - "if it were at all serious something would have happened at the time".

I know in all logic that is the case - but what if it isn't the case!? What if I did actually do something awful? And now today its changing - What if my friends saw me do something awful, haven't ever told me, and have all these years been thinking what a horrible person I am?!

The only thing that relieves the worry is checking for any evidence of the event and not finding any. When I've checked online for long enough I feel relief. And then the dread returns later that day - and I'm back where I started.

I need to find some relief from this.

--------------

I've also been known to check I've locked the car 10 times, to check the cooker gas rings over and over, check I've turned the iron off before leaving the house again and again.

What shall I do?

[Binxy]

Obviously, I can't really comment on whether you have OCD or not as I'm not a medical professional. This does sound like OCD to me though. The best thing to do is to speak to your GP and to try and get as referral for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. There may also be some medication that they suggest for cutting some of the obsessional thinking down. There is some other good info on the OCD-UK site so feel free to have a look.

[TenerifeSea]

Thank you. I realise I may have posted this thread in the wrong section. I didn't notice the 'Introduce Yourself' page!

[Binxy]

No problem at all

[rchippex]

As has been said we cannot diagnose as that is down to a professional but everything you have written there sounds just like OCD to me. The most important thing is to seek help as soon as you can so that you can begin to tackle it. It won't feel like it now but you can get on the road to recovery.

Your GP can get you on the waiting list for NHS CBT (I am having this and it has been great!) and he may suggest some meds. Whether you go down the meds route is entirely up to you. Many people find the meds get them to a place where they feel more able to tackle the therapy.

It has to start with you resisting compulsions though. So not going back to check on not looking online for news stories and other things designed to bring your worry down. You have to let the thought be there and any accompanying anxiety and just leave it alone.

It is immensely hard at first but you can do it. It is something you can start right now.

[Guest GAV1984]

Yes it is up to your GP to do the professional OCD diagnosis but off the record coming from a longterm ocd sufferer myself i would say you have ocd, simply because you have the doubt factor which whenever you feel the fear subsiding then you say but what if this and what if that?! This is typical ocd and i know exactly what that feels like, you are always doubting yourself even though you know you shouldnt, ita a vicious circle it really is!

If you go see your GP he or she can recommed some tablets if they feel its necessary of course! It is scary beig given tablets i was the same but its 2 secods out of my day to take the tablet and mine certainly did work.

Welcome to the forum since ive joined iv felt better just by talkig to fellow ocd sufferers!

[PolarBear]

It sure sounds like OCD. I'd like to point out the two important parts of what has been going on that make it, in all likelihood, OCD.

OCD is a disorder typified by obsessions (intrusive thoughts) that cause distress and compulsions, which are acts, behaviors, rituals or mental rituals performed to try and alleviate the distress. When the thought pops into your head, maybe I did something bad 8 or 9 years ago that night, that's an obsession. When you check with your friends to see if they remember you doing something and you search on the Internet for stories about something happening that night, you are performing compulsions.

Compulsions are performed to try and alleviate the distress. As you said, you check on the Internet to try and convince yourself that nothing bad happened. But, compulsions don't work for long, as you pointed out. They might give you temporary relief, but soon enough the doubt sinks in and you're back to having obsessions that something bad happened. That makes you want to check again. It's an endless cycle.

Compulsions also have the effect of making the obsessions so much worse. By performing compulsions you are paying attention to the obsessions. You are reinforcing the belief that something is/was wrong. Compulsions literally make sure the obsessions will come back stronger in the future.

What you need to do, and CBT therapy is all about this, is learn to just let the obsessions come and not perform compulsions. Don't react to the obsessions. Don't ask your friends what happened. Don't do Google searches. Leave the obsessions alone. Yes, there is anxiety involved but you just live with it and basically let the obsessions die from apathy. You need to identify the compulsions you perform and work hard to resist performing them.

[TenerifeSea]

Thank you all so much for your well informed replies. Already I can sense progress is possible just by reading your thoughts and how you so clearly understand my thought process. It's a comfort to know I'm not the only one to have felt like this. A couple of points/questions spring to mind...

When I feel compelled to check online AGAIN or ask a different friend what they remember (one had already told me it wasn't serious), I feel a moral obligation to do so, as if I had done something awful surely it's better to find out and face the music so to speak. In spite of all evidence which suggests that this is not the case, including my initial (8 year) lasting memory, I cannot seem to understand or accept it. I cant rest until I know - even though it's not possible to know. My biggest fear is causing another person serious harm, be that in the past present or future.

Secondly, it seems to be happy moments that bring on the worry. I'll spend time with my girlfriend or family at home or even walking the fields, I'll be on holiday, I'll be planning truly great trips to the world...Germany, Australia or Canada you name it (I LOVE geography and travel)...and then bang, suddenly I think "yeah but I won't enjoy it because I'll be feeling paranoid" or "if only I wasn't such an awful person/didn't have that event hanging over me this would be a great moment". It's so frustrating, and really kills good feelings flat.

I'm so determined to overcome this and feel settled and happy without worry/guilt/regret. I need to know and believe it's possible before starting though.

[rchippex]

That feeling of not knowing and not being able to rest is what you must sit with. If you try to satisfy this need by reading or asking people then you are performing compulsions which will guarantee that things keep coming at you. Only by avoiding compulsions and allowing the uncertainty can you begin to teach yourself and your mind that these things are not real and can be let go.

If you are determined to overcome it then get down to business. Needing to know it is possible is looking for certainty again. Instead of wanting to know it is possible why not take the leap of faith and make it possible? If you never try then nothing changes. If you accept uncertainty and resist compulsions then the journey begins

[TenerifeSea]

Such wonderful advice I am very grateful. I am gaining strength just reading this thread.

1. What has caused me to be vulnerable to this type of thought? I consider myself to have had a very comfortable upbringing with life experiences not out of the ordinary for a (still) young man.

2. Why do my thoughts ignore logic and opinions/answers other people give me? What is it about my obsessive fear that means it can override logic in ways that other problems in my life cannot?

3. What is it about feeling good that causes obsessive thoughts to return?

Thank you so much

[PolarBear]

You think you need to find certainty by performing compulsions but performing compulsions reinforces the uncertainty and ensures you won't find certainty. It's an endless trap that so many people with OCD fall into. It won't matter if you talk to one person, two people or twenty about that night. The uncertainty will creep back, which will give you an urge to find out more information. You'll go round and round endlessly and never be certain.

Break the cycle. Tell yourself you've had enough with OCD and steadfastly refuse to perform compulsions. Yes, you have to live with that incredible urge to find out and your anxiety level will increase but it won't last forever. It will subside on its own and provide to you clarity that you are truly on the right path.

[PolarBear]

Such wonderful advice I am very grateful. I am gaining strength just reading this thread.

1. What has caused me to be vulnerable to this type of thought? I consider myself to have had a very comfortable upbringing with life experiences not out of the ordinary for a (still) young man.

2. Why do my thoughts ignore logic and opinions/answers other people give me? What is it about my obsessive fear that means it can override logic in ways that other problems in my life cannot?

3. What is it about feeling good that causes obsessive thoughts to return?

Thank you so much

Great questions but there's no good answers. We simply do not know, with any certainty, why some people get OCD. We know even less about why one person gets contamination obsessions while another gets obsessions of a pedophile nature. And no, logic doesn't work. OCD is illogical and we've all seen scenarios where logic should win the day but it does not. You can't out logic OCD. What you can do is refuse to play the game at all.

[rchippex]

What you can do is refuse to play the game at all.

That reminds me of this post on facebook that really resonated with me as it made so much sense:

Defeating OCD is a bit like what you would do if you were playing chess with someone who doesn't play by the rules. No matter what move you make, 

the cheater always has a move in response. Of course, he does because he has decided he can move his chess piece wherever he wants. This frustrates you.

 It makes you angry. It even gives you anxiety. You object and say you are going to stop playing, but the cheater tries to bully you in to continuing. 

He tries to convince you that it is YOU who doesn't know the rules. He tells you that you are just afraid to lose. He tells you that if he gets up and 

leaves, no one will sit down and play with you because no one likes a sore loser. But you know differently. At some point you decide you've had enough.

 You are tired of the frustration, anger, and anxiety. You finally decide you will do something about it. But to the cheater's surprise, you don't leave.

 You just stop responding. You quit playing the game. The cheater screams at you with obscenity after obscenity. You don't look away. You don't plug your ears.

 You just let him scream obscenities. You become indifferent to him. Now it is the cheater who is frustrated and angry. He eventually understands that you

 have figured out how to beat him at his game. More importantly, he understands that he has lost his power to make you frustrated, angry and anxious. 

He finally gets bored with you and goes away. Soon after the cheater leaves, a pleasant, honest person sits down where the cheater was sitting and you enjoy an awesome game of chess.

Edited February 18, 2015 by rchippex

[TenerifeSea]

You're so right. I feel as though it's impossible to satisfy the need for certainty regarding that night which is a scary thought as it means there's no light at the end of the tunnel with that fear. I can fully identify with what you're saying - there must be and has to be another way. Is a symptom of ocd that such fears become so utterly convincing!? And in face of logic, it's really mind bending stuff.

Does CBT teach ways of overcoming random dread as I desecibe above? All the worse because it strikes at otherwise good times.

[rchippex]

Anxiety can not only cause the thoughts, it also makes thoughts seem more real, more likely to happen or more based on truth. This is where your leap of faith has to come in as you have to fly in the face of all this and accept uncertainty and that you are not going to accept the lies of the thoughts anymore.

The reason your thoughts come at these times now is likely because you expect it and have had it happen and been so effected by it in the past. What you should do when this happens is carry on as though the thought wasn't there and give it no more attention.

[TenerifeSea]

Something inside tells me that's a risky strategy 'incase' the dread is founded. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I find it difficult to let go and relax, or ignore the bad thoughts, just incase they're right. So I feel like a balloon constantly weighed down, like they've got an anchor on me that pulls me back when I float too high. I know that sounds cliche but it's the best metaphor I can think of.

[rchippex]

And that is exactly where the leap of faith comes in. You have the choice to hold onto the doubt or take the risk and leave the thoughts alone. I think you know which is the right thing to do

OCD is not called the doubters disease for nothing.

[TenerifeSea]

It feels like there's a lot to let go of! I can already feel cutting out these compulsions proving to be a real challenge. A daunting prospect.

[rchippex]

Yes it is daunting and it isn't easy. Challenge yourself to tackle the compulsions and accept the doubts and thoughts as just unwanted thoughts that you have no control over. Your mind will kick and scream at you for your attention but resist those compulsions.

[TenerifeSea]

The worst thing about this current fear is what I believe to be a false memory. It becomes so real and convincing, but is a new memory. Until now hasn't been remembered this way, and is without a shred of evidence. However, it disturbs me that much I feel so compelled to do anything to check it isn't true.

[TenerifeSea]

What is it about cutting out the anxiety relieving behavior that increases likelihood of this returning?

[TenerifeSea]

It's been nearly 24 hours since I last gave in to compulsion. At times it's very difficult to ride the storm. I feel as though not checking is causing my control of the situation to diminish (even though I've been eight years without giving it another thought basically). It's like something awful will definitely happen, or the event was probably really awful, if I don't check right now that isn't the case. Why do my thoughts manage to convince me so?

On the plus side I do feel capable. I was able to sleep well understanding these horrible thoughts and having a strategy to beat them. Every so often I get a nice glimmer of "things are alright" before the worrying returns.

[rchippex]

I too get this glimmer. Then the thoughts come back but consistency is the key. Keep at it and don't get downheartened. It will take time so try to not expect it immediate recovery. Also you may have some good days and bad so be prepared for that. In my case I have had a few good days and then came back down with a crash. This has happened once or twice now but when I think back to when I had no good days then I will take that. I have been ill recently which has made me feel tired and less able to ignore thoughts etc but I am still giving it everything.

Your thoughts convince you because the doubt exists. I get the same. My thoughts will do their best to try to convince me that I like awful things when I know I don't. At times it will get to me but I just remind myself that these are only thoughts with no meaning. My brain doesnt always allow me to believe it but I keep saying it and keep going,