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Relationship: I really like this girl but she thinks her OCD will get in the way


Guest spencerostrega

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Guest spencerostrega

Apologizing in advance for the length.

So I'm a junior and I'm talking to this girl(We have both admitted we have feelings for each other). She is really amazing but her OCD makes her freak out about everything she does. She thinks everything she does makes her look like a freak because all the other guys she has been with broke up with her because of it. I tell her all the time I love all the little weird things she does but she never truly believes me. What is some things I can do to show her I care about her, and that her OCD is not a problem to me. I constantly reassure her that her OCD doesn't bother me

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Guest Ivan Ivanson

Hi,

This is from the perspective of a family member so i apologise if i say anything insensitive. I'm just trying to give some perspective.

I think the problem is you may not know the half of what goes on. The chances are she hides a lot of it from everybody. While you may not find any of her rituals bother you it is difficult to say that this will always be the case. My wife (who suffers from OCD) found a video recently of an OCD sufferer reading a poem he had written talking about a relationship he had. (if you search for Neil Hilborn OCD on youtube you'll find it). It's an incredibly emotional piece and speaks about his girlfriend finding his behaviours sweet and cute and not minding them at all but as the poem goes on it talks about his loss of the relationship and his girlfriends changing reactions to his rituals and behaviours over time.

It's really powerful stuff and i have to say echo's some of my feelings over time in my relationship with an OCD sufferer. The problem being things change over time, that change may well be positive but also it may not. To say that her OCD does not bother you now is a completely different story to what you may feel (and for that matter her) in a year, or after you move in together and you start to see how much it affects her life on a daily basis.

I am not saying that you shouldn't pursue a relationship with her. What i am saying is that her reservations about getting into a relationship with anybody possibly have far more substance to the than you could ever realise.

I'm sorry, thats possibly a little bleak and maybe not useful. But please seek out that video and watch it. That may help.

Edited by Ivan Ivanson
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Hi There.

It can be easy sometimes to write things off because it could be difficult. I'm also married to an OCD sufferer and I can say that it can be, but also that I love my wife dearly and can't imagine making a different choice or living a different life.

Having said that, go into things with your eyes open. do research, know what your up against. Not the girl but the illness. This is a real and very fluid thing which, as my wife says, waxes and wanes. Any relationship is hard but if an OCD relationship is going to succeed and be great you need to be not just facing each other, but also facing the OCD together. There will be more than you've seen and you need to be able to stand with her to face it together.

Nobody needs rejection and OCD sufferers least of all, they get plenty of that and mockery from the world at large. It's much, much more than just hand washing. Know the ball game. Understand as much as you can and hopefully she will respect you for it and have more confidence to trust you to be her friend and ally.

My relationship with my wife is wonderful but it's because we face things together that it works. In the end the sufferer is still a person with all that that entails. If you want to move forward and not let the OCD cloud the person you like I say good on you, we need more people like you in this world. Persevere. She's obviously been hurt before and will take a good deal of time and TLC for her to fully trust anyone. Persevere, it is worth it.

Edited by Stu75
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Guest jayjay89

From the opposite side - there is really no winning option for our partners. Either they "don't mind" our OCD (usually while not knowing the true extent) and end up becoming part of it (ie becoming involved in compulsions - which is just bad) or they hate our OCD and break up with us for it...

I don't want to sound like a negative nelly, but seriously, what she is admitting to you as her OCD is probably less than half the problem, the other rituals could be in her head, she may not have identified them etc. If she is in treatment and getting better it would be worth a shot, but otherwise, why tie yourself to someone with a serious mental illness?

Because that is what it is. So when you see quirks what you are really seeing is a really maladaptive way of trying to handle pain. That's why she won't believe you that you are ok with it - because she isn't, because it's painful

Edited by jayjay89
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Guest Ivan Ivanson

From the opposite side - there is really no winning option for our partners. Either they "don't mind" our OCD (usually while not knowing the true extent) and end up becoming part of it (ie becoming involved in compulsions - which is just bad) or they hate our OCD and break up with us for it...

I don't want to sound like a negative nelly, but seriously, what she is admitting to you as her OCD is probably less than half the problem, the other rituals could be in her head, she may not have identified them etc. If she is in treatment and getting better it would be worth a shot, but otherwise, why tie yourself to someone with a serious mental illness?

Because that is what it is. So when you see quirks what you are really seeing is a really maladaptive way of trying to handle pain. That's why she won't believe you that you are ok with it - because she isn't, because it's painful

This is the problem we have. I am a part of the behaviours as they have got very gradualy worse over the years. I wish i could be as positive as Stu but the main problem in my relationship is i want to try and tackle things and want to support her to get help however she does not feel she is ready to do that yet. The result being massive frustration on my part. I only hope that my wife reaches a point where she is ready to face her problems head on so we can battle this horrible disease together.

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Guest Ivan Ivanson

Maybe the thing to do spencerostrega is have that really frank discussion with her about where she is at as far as any therapy goes. Tell her your willing to support her through that and hope that A. you can be there for her and B. that she is in a mental space where she can be accepting of that support.

Again, sorry for my negativity. It's symptomatic of where i'm at right now.

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Just to put a different angle on this ... I have OCD which isn't so bad now but at one point was really bad and my partner has stuck with me throughout and we have a very good relationship. She doesn't join in with my compulsions - mostly - but she chooses her battles and she certainly supports me in getting better. It can work, but I think my partner would be the first to say it makes things more challenging. Don't write it off, but go into it with your eyes open x

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I am only going to give one piece of advice. Only pursue this girl if you really, truly, completely love her, OCD is very hard to live with for the sufferer and the outsider and it changes over time. Don't hurt this girl by pursuing her on superficial feelings and then finding it all too much and breaking up with her.

If you do feel that you are in love with this girl, then find out everything and anything you can about OCD, show her you understand what she goes through and what may come, if after finding out everything if you still feel that you are willing to stick with her through it, then pursue, pursue, pursue.

Honestly in life everyone has good and bad, I know OCD is difficult but when people break up with someone over it, I find that very superficial, it is like saying, i don't like you because you are not perfect, then what happens when they go in another relationship? People are people, they could break up with someone with OCD for there next partner to have a drink problem, drug problem, other health issue, family issues, life is full of issues, OCD is one of them, no relationship is perfect, being in a relationship with someone with OCD is just a difficulty, no matter who you are with, there will be difficulties, real love can fight that.

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