Any words of wisdom for dealing with doubt/reasurance?

[Guest wishful321]

I'm ashamed to say that I'm only 2 weeks out of therapy and I'm relapsing at a catastrophic rate.

Whilst in therapy, though I was able to cut down on some of my compulsions, I was very reluctant to experience the discomfort associated with this and so have found the small gains hard to maintain.

I've come to believe that my desire not to experience the anxiety associated with exposures may be due childhood trauma. Now I have no definitive evidence for this trauma, just pieces of information here and there. But OCD won't let me drop it. I've been reading articles, books, reading forums, even phoning damn advice lines! Trying desperately to confirm or disprove this feeling. I've even been considering going to counselling just to explore it.

Without my therapist to talk things through with I feel lost and sad. And I just feel that months of progress in therapy will be wasted if I just go back to obsessively researching for 7+ hours a day; so I need to nip this in the bud now and so I feel that answers to these questions will help me massively.

Questions

1) Is it worth exploring whether I did experience trauma? Is it more likely to help or hinder me?

2) Would counselling be a good idea, or would doing that just be a form of reassurance seeking?

Thank you for reading! If you can offer even a few words of wisdom, or answers, I'd be truly truly grateful.

[paradoxer]

I'm ashamed to say that I'm only 2 weeks out of therapy and I'm relapsing at a catastrophic rate.

Whilst in therapy, though I was able to cut down on some of my compulsions, I was very reluctant to experience the discomfort associated with this and so have found the small gains hard to maintain.

I've come to believe that my desire not to experience the anxiety associated with exposures may be due childhood trauma. Now I have no definitive evidence for this trauma, just pieces of information here and there. But OCD won't let me drop it. I've been reading articles, books, reading forums, even phoning damn advice lines! Trying desperately to confirm or disprove this feeling. I've even been considering going to counselling just to explore it.

Without my therapist to talk things through with I feel lost and sad. And I just feel that months of progress in therapy will be wasted if I just go back to obsessively researching for 7+ hours a day; so I need to nip this in the bud now and so I feel that answers to these questions will help me massively.

Questions

1) Is it worth exploring whether I did experience trauma? Is it more likely to help or hinder me?

2) Would counselling be a good idea, or would doing that just be a form of reassurance seeking?

Thank you for reading! If you can offer even a few words of wisdom, or answers, I'd be truly truly grateful.

I don't know about words of wisdom, but here's my proverbial ... you seem to know that the need to confirm whether you experienced trauma or not is part of the OCD (you also use the word 'obsessional' yourself). I can say, without knowing you and just a cursory reading of your post that it almost certainly is OCD. You should treat as such, and forget any further checking, it's a ritual. EVERYONE with OCD, childhood trauma or not, feels anxiety (sometimes extreme) at exposures. Remember OCD will play games with you, will siren-call you in ANY way, just to do one more ritual, especially if it thinks, you might possibly 'leave it behind'. Accept the thoughts, accept your fears as a possibility, if you can pull it off, even embrace them. And don't ritualize, ruminate. Counter-intuitive, and hard, hard, but true. The alternative? - to wallow in the perpetual and painful mire of an inane and insidious disorder.

Edited April 17, 2014 by paradoxer

[paradoxer]

PS Yes, I'd say counseling (unless it's therapy for OCD ) would be tantamount to ritualizing.

[dksea]

Combating OCD requires confronting and accepting anxiety, it's not pleasant but it's necessary. That said you don't have to go at it full bore, you can take it step by step (in fact that's probably best) and working with a therapist can be a big help. If you have other concerns therapy is something to consider but be careful because it can be, as paradox says, just a form of reassurance seeking. I would start by discussing your concerns with your doctor or OCD therapist and see if they can help you find someone to work with. Keep in mind that no therapy is aa magic cure, it's all going to depend on you putting in the necessary work. A therapist is like a coach, helping guide you along but they can't do the work for you.

[Guest wishful321]

I don't know about words of wisdom, but here's my proverbial ... you seem to know that the need to confirm whether you experienced trauma or not is part of the OCD (you also use the word 'obsessional' yourself). I can say, without knowing you and just a cursory reading of your post that it almost certainly is OCD. You should treat as such, and forget any further checking, it's a ritual. EVERYONE with OCD, childhood trauma or not, feels anxiety (sometimes extreme) at exposures. Remember OCD will play games with you, will siren-call you in ANY way, just to do one more ritual, especially if it thinks, you might possibly 'leave it behind'. Accept the thoughts, accept your fears as a possibility, if you can pull it off, even embrace them. And don't ritualize, ruminate. Counter-intuitive, and hard, hard, but true. The alternative? - to wallow in the perpetual and painful mire of an inane and insidious disorder.

Thank you Paradoxer, you could be a therapist! That was lovely clear, succinct and practical advice. I think sometimes I just get overwhelmed and my logical brain deserts me. I hope you don't think this is weird, but would you mind if I printed off your response and stuck it in my CBT folder, just as a reminder to let this doubt go?

Wishful

[Guest wishful321]

Combating OCD requires confronting and accepting anxiety, it's not pleasant but it's necessary. That said you don't have to go at it full bore, you can take it step by step (in fact that's probably best) and working with a therapist can be a big help. If you have other concerns therapy is something to consider but be careful because it can be, as paradox says, just a form of reassurance seeking. I would start by discussing your concerns with your doctor or OCD therapist and see if they can help you find someone to work with. Keep in mind that no therapy is aa magic cure, it's all going to depend on you putting in the necessary work. A therapist is like a coach, helping guide you along but they can't do the work for you.

Thank you Dksea! See the thing is, I've just come out of CBT therapy 2 weeks ago and my therapist told me it would be ridiculous to immediately go back in, especially as she felt that I had all the knowledge to combat this anxiety, but like you said, she said she couldn't do the work for me. I think in many ways I miss having her to explain things to and question me. I desperately want to be self-sufficient, but I seem to crumble without any guidance. I think you're right though; I need to practise acceptance and try and let this go.

[paradoxer]

Wishful, you're welcome! - and re the print out, please go ahead. All the best.

[dksea]

@wishful - I can understand that your therapist may not want you to become dependent on them for your progress and believes you're at the point to start taking some steps on your own, that will be important because they can't always be with you and you are the one that has to tackle this. Its totally normal to be a bit anxious about it all, and you don't have to achieve all your goals all at once so try to be patient with yourself. One thing that is helpful for many people is to have a plan laid out of the therapy steps to take with partial goals along the way. If you and your therapist haven't put one together it might be worth talking to them about it so that you'll feel more confident in your steps going forward.