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When you are the source of OCD contamination


Guest dizzy

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Guest dizzy

Hello everyone, I hope you don't mind if I ask for help again. I was wondering how friends, family and carers respond to the following OCD situation or if I am alone in this.

My boyfriend has severe OCD which is currently being untreated as he has been discharged from the NHS services he was getting before Christmas. He has not been out of the house since before Christmas as the outside is a major source of contamination. I rarely leave the house except for when I can't avoid it as it is becoming so stressful to deal with (we buy everything online as nothing from the outside can be brought inside). Part of his OCD contamination concerns is that the mouth area is always dirty and you have to be careful where you breathe which includes not looking directly at him when I speak. This is magnified 10fold when I have been outside breathing the dirty outside air!

This is becoming extremely stressful and we're at the point now where I myself making certain blunders or just plain get fed up of being careful and I end up making things dirty. Usually it's because I breathed in the wrong direction. Most of the time I end up crying during the following argument which is another cause of contamination because my face looks so 'dirty' and he is uncomfortable with tears and runny noses. So then I become the dirty thing that is getting everything else dirty. This is so hard to deal with! And because it's ME that is getting everything dirty I do not know how to help him through his anxiety. He is angry with ME for making things dirty in the first place so usually just doesn't want to hear anything. Or he feels like I need to fix it or make up for ruining his things or making him have to have a bath and I just don't know what to do. To 'make up for' usually means fixing it so that whatever is dirty gets cleaned and I know that's collusion but it's like all I can do. I hate it when he's angry with me and i'ts fair to say that I'm a bit of a basket case at the moment and I'm starting to have panic attacks myself due to increased anxiety which is not helping the situation at all.

So I suppose I'm asking if there are any people out there who can relate to this situation? How do you diffuse the anger? I also am never sure what to do when he begins ruminating. My feeling is that I want to distract him from the process because isn't rumination unhealthy? But this just tends to annoy him.

We've been together 5 years and I've always been useless at dealing with his OCD and I feel really guilty. We're living in a way that is totally ruled by OCD and I know I need to stop some things but where to begin? My life feels totally out of my control and we are both ruled by his OCD. Please help!

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Guest Sally44

I'm sure others with more experience will answer to your post.

I am a mum of a 13 year old with OCD. He has tried at times to get me to carry out compulsions. He has also refused food at times because I have contaminated it.

Your partner sounds much worse than my son is.

I have never complied with his compulsions, because that makes it worse.

Worse in the fact that you then become controlled yourself, as you admit you now are.

And worse because your complying does not help reduce the anxiety at all.

But it is also hard to live your own OCD free life whilst living with someone with such fears of contamination, especially when it is a relationship. It is different with a child/parent relationship.

Does your partner want therapy to help with his OCD?

If the NHS service could not help him they should refer on to a more specialist service that can.

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Dizzy, firstly you are not making things dirty. Only his twisted perception sees things as dirty.

It's not your fault. None of it. You do nothing to upset him. It's his OCD.

Participating in compulsions (like having to clean something for him) is the wrong thing to do. So is breathing right. Those only serve to strengthen his obsessions.

Your health is at risk because of his OCD. That does neither of you any good. You can make it very clear that you will no longer participate in his compulsions and that it is up to him to get the help he needs. It's time to draw a line in the sand.

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Hi Dizzy,

I read your post and felt a huge sense of relief that there is someone else out there feeling something similar to myself, hopefully my response will give you a similar relief. I am by no means an expert, this is actually my first post here but I am also in a long term relationship with someone who is currently suffering badly with ocd, although it manifests itself in a different way I can certainly relate to what you're dealing with so maybe we can learn from each other?

I find it really helps to separate the ocd from the person, try to think that it's not him that you're upsetting, it's the ocd. Similarly, he is not upsetting you it's the OCD that is doing the upsetting. It might be difficult for you both to get into that mindset, but maybe try to calmly suggest it while he is in a relatively good mood. You can then both begin to work with the idea that the ocd is not part of him, but a third element that the two of you need to work together to beat. It means that when you're arguing you both can remind yourselves that it isn't personal, it's the illness, and that can help diffuse the anger between you.

As PolarBear has said, participating in the compulsions really doesn't help, but neither does making yourself ill, and I imagine that now you are in this situation, if you suddenly stopped fitting in with what your boyfriend wants all together, your relationship would become even more strained and your health would deteriorate further. There has to be some concessions though and the two of you need to work out a strategy that means he is gradually lessening the compulsions, you are participating less and less, and he is expecting less of you. It can't all happen at once though, imagine giving up chocolate and tea and biscuits all at once, cold turkey, then multiply by 1000. At least.

Of course for anything to work, your bf needs to want to be better and recognise the problems. You can't do anything without his help, but you will both need an awful lot of support from understanding people along the way.

I've typed all this between sporadic spats with my bf while he is having a hard time calming down after a bad day of ocd, we're both exhausted and can't seem to let go of the argument, but yesterday was great and the road to recovery can't always be lovely so don't let the bad days get you down.

I hope this has helped a little, sorry for the really long post. Most importantly, please don't feel alone.

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  • 2 months later...

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. You were right - it is nice to hear that someone else is going through similar situations. I'm really sorry to be a moaner but I've come back for more help!

I'm having a hard time knowing what to do in the situations where I set off the OCD. My boyfriend is becoming more and more resentful towards me as when I make these mistakes he gets so angry with me and I tend to just fall apart. I've become extremely anxious about the whole situation and started panicking irrationally myself. I worry myself sick over making these mistakes and hwen it happens, as seems inevitable sometimes, I turn into a deer in the headlights and turn into a jibbering wreck! When I cry, it'ss a contaminant for him and he gets more angry which makes me cry harder. How do all of you carers and family people deal with this situation? I want to be strong for him and myself but I seem to be getting weaker and weaker. I'm falling to pieces and there is no one I can talk to about this. The OCD has us both cut off from anyone else and even me typing this here is in secret - he would be so angry with me if he found out. I'm jsut desperate for help and there's no one to turn to. I'm sorry to be a burden, I just feel so weak and useless. Today we have had a very large argument and it has no signs of stopping. He wants me to 'do something' but what? I don't know how to make up for all the hurt I've caused him. I realise that none of you can tell me how to repair this relationship but I hope someone has some good coping strategies? I am seriously stressed out and my own mental health seems to be deteriorating!

Please help!

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You need to stop saying you make mistakes. You're not making mistakes. Your boyfriend's OCD is setting up unrealistic rules. No one can live under the rules you've described.

You deserve s life. You deserve to go out and have fun. You deserve to buy what you want at a store and bring it home.

I said it before. Time for you to draw a line in the sand. Don't take it anymore. You can breathe in whatever direction you want. Don't take the **** his ICD is dishing out.

Start demanding he get help. You cannot continue to live the way you have been. You deserve better.

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Guest Sally44

Your boyfriend is doing to you/treating you in the way the OCD is treating him. So his OCD has now spread from just 'his' life into 'your' life.

You don't have OCD. And by living by his OCD rules it is making you mentally ill. You have to stop doing that to save yourself. And you have to give him the ultimatum to seek help and that you are not going to live like that anymore.

If the situation is so bad you will need to leave. So do you have an exit plan? Because when it finally hits the fan you will need to have a plan in place.

Do you have a family member or friend you could go and stay with for a while, just to get your own bearings back and sample life as you could/should be leading it?

Edited by Sally44
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Guest nytoffee

I'm in an identical situation with my wife so I feel your pain

There is no quality of life left, there hasn't been for years

Everything is a contaminant, everything brings on torrents of abuse :(

All I want to do is come home from work and have normality for once.

I want to get a break from it all so badly but I know it will break my little boy's heart if I leave

Does he even acknowledge that he has a problem?

Edited by nytoffee
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Hello everyone and thank you for your replies. I think I'm at a point now where I want the relationship to be over. I'm so tired of living this way and he refuses to seek help. I'm so upset and distressed to admit it but I think I stopped truly loving and caring for him a long time ago now when the OCD took complete control over both of our lives.

I feel so guilty about all this and I should have done more for him before it got this bad. Now I feel desperate to leave but he relies on me so heavily that he can't even leave the bedroom by himself. Sometimes I think I could just run for it and go to my mum's house and let him get into contact with his dad and sort himself out without me. Then I feel so ashamed for thinking this way - how could I be so selfish? I just can't stand this any longer!

He has kept me a virtual prisoner, he treats me like a slave, he doesn't care about my health, he made phsical contact impossible and then complains that I don't make him feel loved. What the heck does he think he's been doing for me? He has also started getting increasingly aggressive during arguments which frightens me. He says I drive him to it and doesn't feel sorry afterwards but I don't think I should have to worry about if he's going to hurt me.

So I more or less have decided to leave but I don't know how. I realise there will never be a perfect time to end a relationship like this but it feels impossible. When I remember how we used to be and what we used to dream of together I feel so sad and like I should just suck it up and tough it out and maybe it can be like the old times someday.

I don't really know what kind of response I'm looking for here, I know I'm not the ony one living a difficult life and I respect all of you out there who have managed to stay happy and in love through this ordeal. I think I'm just venting and maybe hoping that ifI publish my intentions on the internet I'll find the chops to do something about it. Thank you for listening.

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  • 1 month later...
Guest bluelion

I have just read through all the posts in this thread and now I'm in floods of tears. I am going through exactly the same thing myself. My husbands OCD has taken over mine and my young kids lives, and I am now at the stage where I don't love him, feel resentful towards him - all the same emotions you're experiencing. I wish you all the luck in the world, and that you find some happiness.

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