Showering before bed & OCD Problems - TRICIA

[Caramoole]

What do you think changed Tricia? You've overcome obsessions before so there is the ability/facility one would think.

Can you identify if anything changed in your life, in your thinking, in an experience of fear levels?

Do you currently delay compulsions? I don't know because I don't exactly know your OCD restrictions....but could you say delay a shower for an hour and try to sleep in a dirty zone (say spare bed) and then if you capitulate, shower and return to your bed (safe zone)?

[Guest Tricia]

Caramoole, I don't like to blame anyone and never have, even when questioned by psychiatrists and psychologists who felt my home environment was less than ideal, but my daughter thinks my husband has a very negative effect on my OCD.

When I last did exposure therapy, for this current obsession, I went to bed without showering for quite some time and the anxiety was so high, which really annoyed my husband. He has been very violent in the past (now it's all verbal) and lies to me all the time. My daughter and GP have said I can't get better while living like this. After 35 years (of marriage, not OCD) I am now starting to wonder if I might not be this ill in a different environment. Now I feel bad for writing this! My husband did say to the one psychiatrist he spoke to about me, that it isn't anything to do with him as I had OCD as a child.

What I do know is this, I am too old to exist in my underwear in the winter and my OCD is going to kill me, our house is so cold! After the first winter, over 25 years ago, when I first resorted to just underwear, I said I couldn't face another dressed in so little, but here I am still doing it! Last night preparing vegetables I was blue with the cold and I actually prayed that someone would commit me to an institution where I'd at least be warm!!

Edited November 23, 2015 by Tricia

[Guest yinyang]

He has been very violent in the past (now it's all verbal) and lies to me all the time. My daughter and GP have said I can't get better while living like this. After 35 years (of marriage, not OCD) I am now starting to wonder if I might not be this ill in a different environment. Now I feel bad for writing this!

Don't you dare for a second feel bad for writing that!

Geez Tricia as if you haven't got enough on your plate.

I'm no relationship expert, I've gone from one failed relationship to another but do you think you can find the strength to do something about this?

I'm inclined to agree with your daughter and GP

[Caramoole]

Caramoole, I don't like to blame anyone and never have

That's very laudable Tricia but not necessarily wise or even just. Blame is sometimes valid, it may even be complicated by what made your Husband what he is (Sins of the Father and all that) but none-the-less, if he has been physically violent and is currently emotionally abusive, blame (or having some responsibility for contributing to the problem) is appropriate.

My daughter and GP have said I can't get better while living like this. After 35 years I am now starting to wonder if I might not be this ill in a different environment. Now I feel bad for writing this!

That's an emotion you need to look at....there's no need to feel bad, it seems reasonable to me Clearly I don't want to push you on personal issues on a public forum but there is the question of why? Why you choose to stay in this relationship when it is possibly a major catalyst for your current situation.

I came across a recording of OCD Ward the other day which I hadn't deleted from my recorder and was concerned to see such a deep sadness within you. I still believe things can change Tricia but I appreciate what a daunting prospect it is at our age.

[Caramoole]

Note: I've split this thread off for you Tricia so that we don't go off at a tangent on the other members thread

[Guest]

Tricia I really hope you escape this abuse. I wish someone could physically intervene and help you

[Guest]

Life is too short to spend your precious time living with someone who degrades you. Could you not admit yourself into a hospital and plan from there on what to do? With your daughter helping? At least you will have warmth, clean bed, 3 square meals a day and encouragement of proper sleep patterns. 25years of living as you have been is much much much too long I can't believe I would have only been 6yrs old when you adopted this lifestyle / through no fault of your own though xx

[Caramoole]

Just jumping sideways.......What is it that makes wearing underwear tolerable?

[snowbear]

Hi Tricia,

I read the other post about showering before bed and decided to reply on this thread because I'm not aware of the original post-er's situation with regards to personal security while your situation is directly relevant to what I wanted to say.

I wish with all my heart you could escape the circumstances of your relationship as I've no doubt the constant state of emotional insecurity keeps your OCD going. However I know it's not as simple as walking away, either emotionally or at a practical level. If your living arrangements aren't likely to change in the near future, maybe there's a way to improve your quality of life within the context you've currently got.

The anxiety doesn't resolve for some of us as the text books say it will, even after weeks or months of exposure. Particularly when contamination ideas involve a tangle of emotions. I believe this happens because it's something far stronger than fear driving the response - survival instinct.

We all know OCD isn't logical so actual survival doesn't have to be in question, but the feeling is there that you are under that depth of threat. The survival instinct arises in the most un-ignorable (primitive) part of the brain and if your actual survival really was at risk the responses wouldn't seem excessive or illogical at all.

One thing I've noticed is how common it is for contamination OCD'ers to have obsessions about keeping their bedding area clean above all else and at any personal cost.

It makes sense that we need to feel safe when we are at our most vulnerable (sleeping). So let's put that observation another way; we have a deep survival need to keep the bed area safe. And because it's about basic survival it overrides the need for physical comfort or rest, even when exhausted.

Which is why I've given a lot of thought over the years to how to break the connection between contamination fears and the survival instinct.

Would it be possible to give yourself a second 'safe zone'? Not a contamination free zone, but a place you feel relatively physically safe. Somewhere you can relax while unclean. A cosy armchair would be ideal, but cushions or a mattress, or even an old sleeping bag would suffice. At least you'd be warm. Is there a place in the house which is 'yours', somewhere your husband doesn't go? Could you create a relaxing area there for yourself?

Despite appearances, I'm not bypassing the idea of eventual exposure to an unclean bed here. Sometimes we need to learn it is possible to feel safe while contaminated before we can give up our only existing safe refuge (clean bed). The first step is about breaking the subconscious association between a state of relaxation and being uncontaminated.

Once your brain has gathered some experience of relaxation without cleanliness you can begin to work on not showering before bed, when hopefully it will be easier to 'give up' that final sanctuary without it kicking off your survival instinct response.

[Guest]

Fantastic idea snowbear. Never thought of that before. You would be a good therapist you know.

[PolarBear]

And then the other shoe dropped. And suddenly it all became clear.

Tricia, no wonder you are so resistant to established CBT practices. No wonder it all hasn't worked in the past. No wonder your anxiety level remains so high when in other people it has diminished. We have butted heads on the forum a few times and I'm always left wondering, why won't what I preach as the way forward not work for this woman?

Now I know and now I feel like a heel. You were very brave to write what you did. You let us know what is going on behind the OCD and now it all makes perfect sense. You haven't just been dealing with a severe case of OCD; you've been dealing with another anxiety producing situation not of your making that coupled with the OCD must make living unbearable. It never dawned on me that you had something else going on that thwarted your attempts at overcoming your disorder.

Tricia, it is going to be incredibly difficult for you to work on your OCD when you are living in an atmosphere of fear and abuse. Maybe it won't be impossible but it will be very, very difficult. One of the precepts of getting over OCD is being able to take a break and relax... truly relax. How can you relax and be in the moment when you are surrounded by a scourge that is being forced upon you?

Someone might look at your situation and think you a weak person for not being able to stand up to your OCD. In light of your post, it seems you are one courageous lady.

[daisy]

Dear Tricia,as PB says you are one courageous lady,I am too emotional at the moment to write more(for various reasons)but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you xx

[Guest Tricia]

I'm very grateful and deeply touched.

I will reply when I have a little more time, but thank you everyone.