in a bad place again but happy life please help

[Scorpio]

Hello everyone it's been a long time since I've posted. I am in a new relationship with an amazing understanding man who empathises with my condition and is aware to some extent but not to the extremity of my intrusive thoughts. I feel as if I need to tell him everything as I don't feel honest. Question is is this a trait of the illness? I fear I will lose him if he knew how horrific my thoughts were and he's smitten with me and helps me so much especially with the baby so I really don't want to lose him. I am having constant thoughts toward baby which are horrendous and also when having sex with bf intrusive thoughts are jumping in trying to ruin it and also this strong urge to tell him everything is tormenting me. I just want to live a normal life. I dread every morning as I know I'm going to be plagued by obsessive thoughts and feelings and feel I'm being robbed of my dream of motherhood and a decent relationship. I want more kids etc but know I somehow need a grip of this disorder first. I'm convinced I know I have ocd however the thought doesn't ever stop coming and nor can I stop ruminating

Please give me some constructive advice

Thanks

[PolarBear]

I don't think its necessary for him to know every little thing about your intrusive thoughts. You know how scary your thoughts are to you; imagine how terrible they would sound to someone else.

As for the ruminating, that's something you need to get a handle on. Ruminating is a compulsion and you need to get in check to move forward. Hopefully you can identify when you are having intrusive thoughts. Now you need to focus on leaving them alone, on not going over the thoughts in your head, instead trying to drag yourself back to the present moment and what you're doing at the time.

[Scorpio]

I'm constantly trying to figure out why the hell I deserve this and why I have these thoughts they happen all day long nearly every minute and when I notice they haven't been there for a while then boom they flood back in!!! I'm getting so exhausted from saying it's not me it's my ocd am coming up in spot etc from stress and sometimes even still believe my thoughts must be true even tho they go off all the time...I even convinced myself one day I fancied his brother just to torment myself and know I don't it's all ridiculous I can handle the thoughts but not physical reactions etc I think how the hell can a disorder manifest like this? I've cried secretly a few times over the last couple of months and am always putting on a brave face. I wish so much someone could understand and tell me it's all thoughts and I could leave it alone but I'm really really suffering xx

[PolarBear]

I do understand and it is all thoughts. You say you try to figure out why you have the thoughts. The answer is because you have OCD. You don't need any other reason than that. As for not deserving it, well none of us deserve the OCD we've been dealt but we have it and we all have to learn to deal with it to the best of our ability.

[Scorpio]

I'm trying so hard i have my baby in my lap and tears in my eyes I don't want this my poor baby I feel for her I'm scared I will mess her up with avoidance and repression if that makes sense I have the green ocd book I think I need some hardcore self help I can't even focus on anything atm xx

[Scorpio]

Funny enough she just rolled for the first time is squealing with delight that's what makes it all worth it even dealing with horrific thoughts xx

[Caramoole]

I'm getting so exhausted from saying it's not me it's my ocd

Try not to that, it sounds very much as though you're using it as a chant and that it's become a compulsions.

You know that this is OCD (horrid as it is) so when the thought(s) or sensation crops up quietly acknowledge in your head that you know this is OCD, you don't need to investigate, think it through (ruminate or work it out).....just note, think "I don't have to do anything about it" and quietly carry on.

Try not to push the thought away, try not to engage with it, do not enter into a debate with it, don't try and work it out......just note it mentally, know what it is and try to carry with exactly what you were doing. Good Luck

[Scorpio]

I understand this concept and it's hard to practice when intrusive thoughts..urges and sensations are coming literally every five seconds...my mind races it won't stop and I am EXHAUSTED I don't want this ruining my new relationship with the kindest person I've ever met and certainly just wanna be a normal mum and enjoy being one rather than dreading each day...The only reason I struggle being a mum is because of ocd not because of the task itself...its tiring me out I'm trying so hard not to ruminate xx

[Scorpio]

Also do sensation and urges need to be dealt with like thoughts I've got a constant groin tingle that's really doing my head in and it won't stop constantly needing the loo etc..This is embarrassing but I need some help x

[Caramoole]

Yes, the sensations and urges need to be dealt with exactly the same way. They are intrusive, they are unwanted, they are distressing but harmless.

If you experienced an extreme tingling in your arm say, it wouldn't worry you the same. It isn't arousal, it isn't pleasant, it isn't something you enjoy, it's just an awareness, it's a symptom.

If you suffer from acute anxiety you may suffer from palpitations, a constant thumping in your chest, a constant awareness.....it feels like you're going to have a heart attack but it's just a symptom. Your sensations are a symptom too that for now you have to live with and accept, not buying into or wishing them away. If they weren't accompanied by the OCD fears, they wouldn't worry you so much.

Treat the sensations as an intrusion, something to be lived with for a while but meaningless....just like the thoughts.

Know your enemy and cut off his energy supply by recognising and refusing to respond. He's a Troll.

Practise tomorrow, don't recoil in horror....say "Yes, come on in, do your worst you Ba#!a@d...I know who you are and you don't scare me"

Good Luck

[Scorpio]

I'm trying really hard but what's eating me is an overwhelming sense of guilt I'm deceiving everyone around me that I'm this great person when I get terrible thoughts ...I feel an urge to tell people about the extent of blurting it all out else I'm insincere it's horrible is this part of the condition,?

[Guest dukkha]

Yes, guilt is a common by-product of OCD and confessing is a common compulsion. I know it's hard, I struggle a lot with guilt and used to confess things to my boyfriend or mother on a daily basis. The problem is, as with all compulsions, relief is only temporary. You start by confessing one thing and then the next thing pops up and you feel the same urge to confess again. You have to break the cycle by not giving in to the compulsion.

The guilt will ease off but it might take weeks or months for it not to wash over you at times. When it does, you have two choices: give in to compulsions, which is bound to make you feel much worse, or: try to ignore it and go on with your life, which is really hard and unpleasant but makes you a bit stronger every time!

All the best to you!

[Scorpio]

Yea I've got a headache I've had a slightly better day of trying to ignore the thoughts and feeling I wish I didn't have it as we all do but I do so just have to cope and keep ignoring stop ruminating xx