Tired, lots of issues

[NicoletteCB]

I have been having some issues that are reoccuring for the past couple of months, with little obsessions that haven't left me alone.

Recently I've sorta gone back to obsessing about an obsession that comes back on and off about pictures relating to my sexual orientation. If I see a picture that I like, I have a weird feeling I dislike and apparently now my brain is obsessed with the feeling and how it ruins my ability to like or know I like the picture. Been trying to ignore the feeling, label it as ocd, not think about it, but it just keeps coming back and now I'm afraid I'm stuck forever.

Moving on to the other two problems I have, I try to watch porn and my anxiety while watching has improved immensely but the thoughts still irritate me. I have thoughts that question if I like the sexual acts I am watching, if I feel I am sure I enjoy them enough, or if I feel the porn I watched was good. I get upset if after I am done watching I don't feel good about it or if during watching I am attempting to get into it and I can't feel good about it or sure I like what I am watching.

Lastly, I am slightly stuck on another obsession that occurs when I masturbate. I am going to be a bit gross now but I masturbate internally and I usually fantasize about penetration from female partner/strapon. I have intrusive thoughts bothering me telling me I'd rather have sex with a man/I don't like strapons which has been killing me for over two years now. I try to masturbate and fantasize about woman and the sexual act I like and all I ever get in my head is," What if you'd prefer a man?" And intrusive thoughts of that nature worrying I'd prefer the sexual feeling of male phallus or whatever and that usually causes massive anxiety for me. I've become obsessed with worrying that I can't feel close enough with a female partner having strapon sex and it's going to cause me to want to be with a man like that which terrifies me.

Anytime I masturbate fantasizing about strapons I get intrusive thoughts like, " It's technically a toy inside of you so you can't feel good or close to your female partner" and I end up feeling awful and scared. I just keep worrying there is some huge difference between strapons and actual penises that is going to cause me to not like strapons and not be able to have sex with woman.

[PolarBear]

Nicolette, have you talked to anyone about this stuff? Like a therapist who knows her stuff about OCD?

[NicoletteCB]

I had a therapist...haven't gone back in a year because I had a privacy intrusion.