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I wish I was normal.


Guest Kat888

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Hi, I'm new here. I'm looking basically for anybody who understands what I'm dealing with and just anyone who can just be there. I was diagnosed with OCD in 2009. I've had therapy and I'm still on medication. I'm having some bad days at the moment and I think it's because I've fallen for someone. My OCD likes to try and ruin anything that makes me happy. "If you don't touch that again you'll fall out of love with him" it's so strange that the thoughts aren't about him leaving me, it's about my feelings for him changing. I'm scared that if I don't listen to them it will cause my feelings to change. I know as well as anyone with OCD that it's completely irrational and ridiculous but it's so hard :( today I had to drive back home 3 times to tap my carpet in my bedroom. And I'm still fighting the urge to do it again. I just want to know if there's anyone who understands how this feels of anyone who has any similar thoughts. Please.

Kat x

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Guest silverlight

I used to have anxiety about my relationship. I used to think what if I don't really love him? and if I didn't, couldn't I just make myself love him? What if I fell for someone else? I felt out of control, like it wasn't my choice. I confessed my fears to him and he was hurt that I didn't know if I truly loved him or not or if I would be committed to him.

Things would trigger me, like I had someone ask me out and it totally messed with me. I turned him down but feared I may end up loving this person who asked me out instead of my boyfriend.

I have actually moved past this and no longer obsess over if I love him or not because it is obvious from the past and my actions that I do. I ended up marrying him and I know I love him not because of my feelings, because I actually don't like him at all, he's not a very nice person. But I know that I care for him and his well being and it hurts me to see him hurting.

I think the trap the compulsions get us in is if we don't follow them it makes us feel like "Well how committed am I really in proving this to myself that it isn't true if I'm not willing to go to great lengths to do this? What does this say about me? My anxieties and fears must be true unless I do this!!"

Edited by silverlight
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Guest Growlingtiger

I can sympathise Kat , OCD does try and steal the fun and happiness away , but the great thing is you can reduce it or push it out.

I think we all know when we have these thoughts and compulsions that their irrational , it's not easy to resist and take it head on.

Knowing their irrational I think is one of the diagnostic tools a professional uses in coming to an OCD diagnosis.

It's a good thing we know their irrational , next we have to plan our attack.

What you say about if I do this then that won't happen is magical thinking , regardless of thinking or doing something it has no real world impact on what will be. I've had to work very hard to address that personally , when it's in your mind and just between you and yourself the wager is no harm ? , in reality it is ...it just makes you feel better for the moment (reduces your anxiety temporarily) , at the same time it reinforces the subconscious and makes the next time it pops up more the stronger.

Sounds like you know and realise the compulsions are safety activities to break the feeling of anxiety that builds up ...

I totally get your pain though , personally I did they same , friends , family , health .... If I just do that then this won't happen.

I don't do it anymore , I don't need to.

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Hi since I've met my new boyfriend my thoughts have been crazy...towards themes like u talk of as well as harm thoughts and weird sexual intrusive thoughts and feelings like a freak all the time and to end it because I feel the urge to tell him all my weird stuff. My therapist says ocd will latch on to whatever u love and care about most which is my boyfriend and my baby. I feel so bad for you and myself we just need to ignore it all and let ourselves be happy and stop analysing needless stuff although it's hard I know xxx

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Thank you all so much for replying to me. It's so difficult and so stressful, I'm 23 years old, and I just want to be like every other 23 year old, I don't want to have to get up earlier simply so I have I time to carry out any repetitive rituals when I get my thoughts. I would give so much to not have OCD. I know that it cannot do anything, it cannot change my feelings towards my boyfriend in any way at all. But it definitely does latch on to what is making you happy/what you are most scared of. I've had a good day today, it's been there but I've been positive and thought to myself today is the first day of my new life. No more OCD. Then I had a set back tonight, I had to repeat something other wise I "would fall out of love with him in 3 years" I can feel my face burning up as I type this because I know full well how stupid it is, it's laughable really, but in the moment you fully believe that what it's saying will happen will happen, eventhough it can't. The anxiety is horrible. It doesn't go until I carry out the compulsion :( I'm so so determined to beat this. I don't want to go back for more therapy, I'm happy staying on the medication. But is there any tips? Any help at all on how to combat this, I know it can be done. It's just getting there and all the hard work.

Kat x

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Guest Growlingtiger

That sounds like a great positive attitude :)

So you had to repeat something and carry out a compulsion , you saw it as a setback.

The rest of the way you described your day and your commitment to tackle the OCD comes across as very positive.

It's a theme of OCD , outcomes are not black and white but we see them that way sometimes.

Maybe that compulsion represented 5% of your ocd today ... Then look at it this way your did well and you achieved something , don't

See it as a setback.

Successful days will be a mixture of the good and the percieved setbacks .. It's all about looking at the bigger picture .. Are we moving forward in feeling better ?

My tips would be , believe in yourself and know it's somwthing that takes time and practice to develop into an effective tool , don't

Worry anout setbacks and rememeber the success instead.

Wish you luck with your positive commitment to work on this

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Hi Kat. Welcome to the forum.

What you're dealing with is magical thinking OCD. You think you have to do A or B (a bad thing) will happen. Quite common and you're certainly not alone. Lots of other people have the same theme as you.

Realize that the rituals you are doing are compulsions. You feel compelled to do them, even when the rational part of your brain knows its nuts to do so. The problem is that every time you do those compulsions you reinforce the belief in your mind that there was truth to the thoughts. The belief that your thoughts are true becomes stronger and stronger.

What you need to do (and you can learn this from a qualified therapist) is that you can have control over your compulsions. You can resist them and you can stop them. It's not easy to do, especially at the start. Your brain will fairly be screaming at you to carry out the compulsion. It does go quiet after a while, however. Then the next time you resist it gets a tiny bit easier. Then the next time and the next. Soon enough it won't be a big deal resisting the compulsions and you'll find that you can carry on with your day, simply ignoring the thoughts -- which is the place you want to get to.

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Thank you for the replies. I really am trying to have a positive attitude about it all, there are days when I wonder why me, on the days that it's severe and difficult to handle. But I have to accept that I've got it and I have to work on beating it. It's so lovely to come on here and realise people actually understand what I'm dealing with and know how it feels. It's very reassuring. I don't want to carry on my life with this, I'm so determined now to win. I know all the thoughts are completely false and irrational. It's just so convincing when in the moment and my heart rate is insane and my palms are sweating. But literally the only way is to ignore it. And you're definitely right, listening to it only makes it stronger. I need to keep that in mind because I forget that.

I really appreciate you guys taking the time to reply to me. That really means a lot.

Kat x

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