New on the forum, OCD just started again.

[Mr.Anon]

Hi People,

I have recently starting suffering from OCD again, and found this forum, and it has already been a help just finding a place where other sufferers

are sharing stories, and also a place where I will know people understand my issue, and the effect it has, as opposed to people trying to help, but don't actually know what its like.

I have had a lot of various 'themes' i think you call them over the past 25 years, ranging through the OCD spectrum, I won't list any in detail through fear of maybe triggering somebody else, but I will give a list just to explain.

From what I recall, I first realised I had OCD at around age 13, when I felt an enormous desire to see what would happen if I was to plug in a plug half way and attempt to touch one of the pins. I basically knew what would happen, but I had this nagging thought, "what would happen?", the thoughts snowballed, thinking of every variation of how I could try. I don't recall what I did do, if I gave in or not in any way. I was lucky to have an understanding mum, who I felt confident talking to, she didn't have answers, but it was good to at least talk to her regardless.

Still at around 13 or 14, It eventually went away, but they led on to just having horrible thoughts, no compulsions, just thoughts that I knew were wrong. I don't know if i started having these in stead of compulsions, just because I knew deep down that these would be harder to talk about with my mum or not. They did make it harder, but I felt bad not telling her, and eventually had to, it felt good, but not for long, as the thoughts got worse, almost as if my mind was challenging me, or daring me to tell her things I didn't want to. It was as this point I went to the Dr's and was diagnosed with OCD.

Since then, I have had many different themes.

Thinking that I may sleepwalk then get a weapon of some sort and injure a loved one without knowing, to thinking someone will die because I thought it.

Prodding areas of the body and finding lumps or bumps, usually around the neck or head, and obsessing about the fact I can't find the same on the other side, when I give in and check, the anxiety disappears, but only for a moment, as I then feel ashamed I gave in, and then the obsession just grows, and more questions arise, why can't I find it, did i prod it differently, do it again, was it the same place, do it again, or if I prod it harder, what will happen, is it dangerous, the area now hurts a little, so have I damaged it, how will I know or not if I have. When I try not to give in, I then think "so for the rest of your life you will never be able to touch that area of the body again" which then causes more anxiety.

Sometimes I can just watch a film, and see something happen to someone, then I think would that really happen, could I try it, is it possible, why would it happen.

A lot of them now are usually about doing things to myself, not necessarily self harm, I don't want to harm myself, or get an urge to harm myself, but its always about the need to know things, and what would happen if?, and because of that I refuse to look at images showing the human anatomy through fear of seeing something and causing a trigger of trying something which could cause injury.

I do get some which I can immediately think of something else, and they literally last a day or so. I'm sort of lucky that the real bad themes don't come round too often, but I do hate the fact that when I do speak to people I trust, they just do not and will not ever understand, to them its just silly, and you know through all their politeness they are just thinking "why does that even bother you?"

I can't list all of them, it will take forever, and I like to try and forget them if possible. Looking back, I think there are loads of things I obsess over, but most of which don't affect my life in a bad way, i.e if something happens odd happens on my computer, I will spend hours trying to replicate it in order to understand why or how it happened. All my music is perfectly named, and the album art is always the same resolution, oddly, its something I am proud of.

Hope that wasn't too big a post, its nice to finally share with understanders.

[PolarBear]

Welcome to the forum, Anon.

In my experience there are always compulsions to go along with obsessions. Sometimes they are easy to miss because you don't even realize you're doing them or don't realize they are compulsions. The easiest one to miss is also one of the biggest compulsions we do, ruminating. That's going over something in your head, again and again. It's like pondering, writ large. It's trying to solve a mystery or problem and never really getting there. It's analyzing a situation and trying to figure it out. It's probably the most common compulsion and many people don't know they do it.

Don't worry about your album art. That could just be a quirk and is not necessarily indicative of OCD. Your other symptoms certainly point to OCD.

Do look around the forum and jump right in if you feel like it. And don't be afraid to ask questions. That's what we're all here for.

[Guest Petit4]

Hi Anon,

I've had ocd since early childhood too, and I've had some of the themes you've described. And my main compulsion is ruminating, although sometimes I also have compulsive thoughts in an effort to neutralize the rumination. Needless to say, compulsively trying to neutralize a compulsion isn't effective for very long!

Like you, the severity of my ocd comes and goes, probably depending on the stress I'm under. Being on this forum is helping me identify what I have to expose myself to as opposed to trying to "fix" it. This seems to be a great place and get and give support!

Petit4