I'm a fraud and don't belong here

[Eric Dave]

This is not ocd. Who am I kidding. I'm only fooling myself. Last night I had a dream of me doing something sexual with another man and induced immediate arousal. When I realised what was happeninf I woke up scared. Any time I am dreaming of anything gay like that an erection starts to kick in. In contrast any time I dream of anything heterosexual it does not kickstart an erection.

Watching tv I could see naked women in some movie and feel absolutely nothing emotionally or physically. Then if I see so much as a guys ass this INTENSE arousal kicks in and I feel out of control.

I can see how it may have appeared to be ocd due to the anxiety and fretting but it's just not. I am gay and simply dont like my orientation. It's obvious.

There is no hope or point in me posting here and continuing to get my hopes up that its ocd.

[Guest legend]

and ?

[Caramoole]

We're not going down this route of discussion. You know the opinion held here but there's nothing to be gained by going over this again. It is counter-productive.

You need to get yourself back to a health professional or begin to "properly" apply self help methods. The remedy has to start with you Eric, no matter how distressing this all feels to you.....and I appreciate it does

[Eric Dave]

Reasons I dont think I have ocd:

1. I dont get intrusive images. I dont get images while having sex or masturbating unless I choose to switch what I'm thinking about to test.

2. I am getting aroused by triggers. Its intrusive arousal or what feels very much like arousal. I have read that ocd sufferers dont get aroused by the thoughts.

3. I dont have other forms of ocd I dont think. I was a health worrier but dont think it was extreme enough to be ocd.

4. I have a gay finger ratio which in some peoples view I was born gay.

5. I was called gay age 12 in school and some friends of mine stopped hanging around with me around this time because they suspected I was gay,

6. I am perfectly happy in my life until a trigger spikes me due to an intrusive arousal.

7. I used to get aroused by sex scenes or sexual thoughts of women. Now nothing.

I am fearful because my groinals are morphing and the symptoms and sensations are changing and so I could end up getting rock hard erections to men if it starts to continue to change

[Caramoole]

All very interesting but unhelpful. So what are you going to do next?

1. Carry on down this route of self-torture?

2. Accept a gay life style?

3. Continue with your current relationship?

4. Consider celibacy?

5. Take responsibility and do something about it?

Make some sort of decision Eric

[Eric Dave]

Theres nothing I can do. I am stuck in this life, I cant change it and so just have to suffer it out.

[Caramoole]

Theres nothing I can do. I am stuck in this life, I cant change it and so just have to suffer it out.

With that view...No, nothing will change. Not until you're ready or prepared to.

The remedy is within your own hands, as is the bottle of poison.

When you need help and support with OCD, we're here. Until you at least recognise certain factors, it saddens me to say, this forum and any suggestions are about as much use as a chocolate teapot.

It's down to you Eric

[dksea]

Reasons I dont think I have ocd:

1. I dont get intrusive images. I dont get images while having sex or masturbating unless I choose to switch what I'm thinking about to test.

2. I am getting aroused by triggers. Its intrusive arousal or what feels very much like arousal. I have read that ocd sufferers dont get aroused by the thoughts.

3. I dont have other forms of ocd I dont think. I was a health worrier but dont think it was extreme enough to be ocd.

4. I have a gay finger ratio which in some peoples view I was born gay.

5. I was called gay age 12 in school and some friends of mine stopped hanging around with me around this time because they suspected I was gay,

6. I am perfectly happy in my life until a trigger spikes me due to an intrusive arousal.

7. I used to get aroused by sex scenes or sexual thoughts of women. Now nothing.

I am fearful because my groinals are morphing and the symptoms and sensations are changing and so I could end up getting rock hard erections to men if it starts to continue to change

1. Obsessions aren't only images. Obsessions include images, but also thoughts, feelings, etc.

2. The same types of sensations that can occur during arousal can also occur from non-arousing situations. Unfortunately the human body is not wired such that each physiological reaction corresponds uniquely to an emotional source. Take for example the classic "butterfly's in the stomachs" sensation one can feel when seeing someone they are attracted too. This same physiological response can also occur in fearful situations (such as being up high when you dislike heights).

3. OCD isn't a quantatative disease, it's not about whether you obsess over 1 theme or 100 themes.

4. This area of research has so far shown little consensus and even among those studies where there appears to be some correlation it's not a 100% predictor by any means.

5. If everyone who was called gay in school was actually gay the species would have died out at this point because there would be no straight people left. This is the flimsiest evidence ad should demonstrate why this approach is not effective for you!

6. Pretty much all of us are happy until we are spiked, that's normal.

7. It's not at all uncommon to struggle with arousal when dealing with a stressful situation like OCD, especially when the stress is related to sexual orientation fears.

As others have pointed out the approach you are taking is 100% ineffective at treating OCD. Assume for the sake of argument it is OCD that is causing you to struggle like this, if you aren't treating it with an effective approach of course you will keep feeling bad.

You have three choices

1. Keep doing what you are doing, which clearly isn't working and you'll sta unhappy

2. Decide to live as if you are gay. Either you'll be ok because it's what you really wanted, or (more likely in my opinion) you'll continue to be unhappy because your problem is OCD

3. Accept that what you have is OCD and start taking the steps to deal with it. You won't magically stop having doubts or anxieties about your orientation but you will learn how to deal with that and how to accept the thoughts for what they are. In time you'll take back control of your life and the fears will fade.

Frankly I can see how you wouldn't want to at least try 3. Continuing to do 1 though, that just makes no sense. Trust that multiple people are trying to help you and see this as likely OCD. But ultimately you have to make the choice.

[Eric Dave]

So 3-4 times in the last 10 days I have had an image of a penis in my dreams and it has kickstarted arousal for real down there and I wake up when I suddenly become aware of what is happening.

This would be ok if I had dreams of women and got the same reaction but even the odd time when I see boobs or whatever there is no arousal response.

There is absolutely no way that this is ocd.

[rchippex]

So 3-4 times in the last 10 days I have had an image of a penis in my dreams and it has kickstarted arousal for real down there and I wake up when I suddenly become aware of what is happening.

This would be ok if I had dreams of women and got the same reaction but even the odd time when I see boobs or whatever there is no arousal response.

There is absolutely no way that this is ocd.

Eric it seems people have reassured you time and again that this is OCD and yet you are refusing to listen or even take the chance that they are right.

If you truly believe this is not OCD then why not just accept it? If you dont want to accept it then my guess would be that the only other reasonable assumption is that everyone else is right and that this is in fact OCD.

You dream about your fears because they are so important to you and you spend so much time thinking about it. Simple as that. You get arousal because you have made this connection by being so scared of it. Again it is that simple. If you think about something then your body is more than capable of feeling it. Focus all your attention on your hands and you will feel them tingle.

At some point you need to take a leap of faith in one direction or another because at the moment you are just going round in circles again and again and it is doing you no good at all. Until you move in one direction you will be stuck in this loop.

Edited March 11, 2015 by rchippex

[Eric Dave]

But these dreams are causing an erection not a tingle :/

I have read that ocd sufferers get intrusive images of males upon climax etc and cant stop that. I dont get that. Also I have read guys with ocd say ''I am not attraced to men and cant get aroused by them'' . I cant say that about myself.

I think Im gay and my ego cant take it.

[Guest Dannyd]

Hello Eric my names Danny ,

I have pure o and have struggled in the past with my sexual identity.. I have a few questions for you..

1. Have you ever been attracted to women..have you ever lusted after them.

2. Have you ever want he'd high speed internet porn and have your tastes morphed over time.. (E.g more extreme or combating with your sexual identity)

their are thousands of guys experiencing loss of attraction to real women due to the addiction to high speed porn.. The novelty of the infinite amount of porn changes the brain.. Check out the site.. I think it may help you if in fact you are straight but struggle with these intrusive thoughts.

[Eric Dave]

I certainly masturbated about girls only from the start to when I started to get Erectile dysfunction. I dunno whether I lusted after women though tbh in real life tbh :/

I looked forward to the day when I would have sex with women and also was very aroused seeing women in porn on tv etc (before internet became available).

When I first got access to internet I was 25 and was addicted to porn (girls) for about 3 months and it worried me.

But then I started worrying that I found men attractive in real life and one day tested to a guy thought and got aroused and so 8 years later I am here.

I know that website and have read it. I really dont think thats my problem. I thought there was a chance it might be hocd and was even diagnosed but I am sure I am gay now and always was but just discovered it late and cant accept it.

Thanks anyway

[Guest Dannyd]

You're bisexual at a push.. I'd say

Stop watching porn.

Stop masturbating.

Learn to meditate and get off these forums .. You're seeking reassurance for a predisposition ... If you are gay (which I doubt you are) no amount of posts can change that.. Get off the forums and try and be at peace with whatever thoughts are hurting you.. Stay away from porn AND masturbation and in 2 months time when you're brain has had some time to sort itself out you won't have to question yourself because you will be magnetically drawn to women. Or men. Or both. Or neither.

[Eric Dave]

I get groinals to men constantly so that must be that Im magnetically drawn to them (

[Guest Dannyd]

Erections? Are you romantically attracted to men? As in cuddling , kissing etc

[Eric Dave]

I will be in good humour for example then I might be sitting beside a mate and feel this feeling like I am aroused and my groin starts to react in various ways. I dont usually get an erection but I could be repressing it. IT scares me and disturbs me. I am not romantically attracted to men (I think) and dont want to cuddle one.

Although when I was 4 I cried all day long on my first day of school because my best friend wasnt there. That could be a sign I was gay as a kid.

[Guest legend]

making no attempt to make changes , whilst others are actually hindering you by feeding into your ocd

didnt think the forums were about this ?

[Caramoole]

how am I a troll???

No Eric isn't a troll but he is well and truly stuck.

I see you're a new user and won't be aware of Erics many threads on this worry. This has been discussed in many, many ways and many explanations, examples and much advice has been given. It is now at a stage where any of these discussions are detrimental to Erics progress. No advice will work unless the individual uses it. It has reached a point where any response debating the why's and wherefores of why Eric isn't Gay, has OCD are futile until he himself is ready to change or seek professional help. The use of this forum is harmful rather than helpful in this instance.

making no attempt to make changes , whilst others are actually hindering you by feeding into your ocd

didnt think the forums were about this ?

As you know Legend, we try not to rule with a heavy hand, we're always treading a fine line....but other than that, I agree. Further discussion is being complicit in engaging in Erics compulsions (rumination, reassurance seeking and self-loathing).

[Guest Dannyd]

I do apologize

[Caramoole]

No problems

[Eric Dave]

This guy replied to me on another forum. It just backs up my opinion that I'm gay and that there is alot of misinformation out there on ocd internet pages about hocd.

'''Ive read your other posts where you've said you can get easily aroused by men and not women. Some gay people DON'T like being aroused by same sex at first. They get anxiety and feelings of guilt. Not everyone is accepting of their homosexuality right away contrary to what a lot of people on this forum say. I read all that kind of stuff on empty closets''

Why do ocd websites say gay people like their attractions when its not true is maybe 10% of cases?

[Guest legend]

This guy replied to me on another forum. It just backs up my opinion that I'm gay and that there is alot of misinformation out there on ocd internet pages about hocd.

'''Ive read your other posts where you've said you can get easily aroused by men and not women. Some gay people DON'T like being aroused by same sex at first. They get anxiety and feelings of guilt. Not everyone is accepting of their homosexuality right away contrary to what a lot of people on this forum say. I read all that kind of stuff on empty closets''

Why do ocd websites say gay people like their attractions when its not true is maybe 10% of cases?

oh eric , the man who spent his whole life carrying out compulsions , 40 wasted years

rest in peace

[Eric Dave]

I was misled by ocd people. They lured me into a false sense of confidence I was straight like Phillipson. All these articles say that gay people like their orientation but fear peoples reactions. Thats not true and now rhis realization is coming down on me like a ton of bricks.

Thats where therapy got me.

[Guest legend]

I was misled by ocd people. They lured me into a false sense of confidence I was straight like Phillipson. All these articles say that gay people like their orientation but fear peoples reactions. Thats not true and now rhis realization is coming down on me like a ton of bricks.

Thats where therapy got me.

eric the man who spent 40 years carrying out compulsions , shame , could of been better

rest in peace eric