Jump to content

Hello, could I please get some help!


Guest Brushogun

Recommended Posts

Guest Brushogun

i'd like to post here one last time and put all of this behind me. sadly i know it won't be so easy because i keep running everything i've ever read on this forum and on others through my day to day. most days, as of late, have been very good for me and i almost never think about my sexuality. i'm pretty sure i like girls. guys not so sure. i'm a guy by the way. i was on a lgtbq forum and i posted and some commented that i must at least be bisexual and i tried it on for the day and it didn't feel like me at all. i would try on gay but i'm afraid of the results. i worry that if i don't comment on a girl in a sexual way then i'm gay. like if i only say "her hair is really nice" then i'm gay. girls can find other girls attractive and that scares cuz if i'm gay wouldn't work the same way? i also kinda like the smell of my balls and i heard gay man like the smell of balls too so that worries me. someone recently told my core problem isn't sexual but mental. he said i probably have ocd or something like that. i agree with him because i've believed the same since december 2012. no there way for me to get help for this at the present time. i'm gonna post something really long that lets you in on the whole story. please don't let this long post turn you away i really need the help. i'd like people of sexuality to comment and help me figure this out a little bit more. thank you. here comes the long post.

hi im mark im 16 and i think i maybe gay or bi or have some ocd or something. ok lets start, ive liked girls since i was 3 at least i know definitely by the time i was 5 cuz i had a crush on this girl in kindergarten. i think i may have ocd because i have a history with anxiety. in the 4th grade i started pulling my hair a lot just because i couldnt stop it was fun really. in the 6th grade(2008) i found about 2012 threw the history channel and i was worried about that quite a bit not too much to bother my life just a little. i was pretty done with fears and phobia and obssesions and all that stuff until the 9th grade when i watching the OWN channel about a little that had schizophrenia and started to think i had it too. during that same school year i also started to think i had tapeworms which caused me to become a vegetarian which i still am today.the schizophrenia fear pretty much killed my whole summer of 2012, it was all i thought about plus my parents where going threw stuff so that was a hard summer. then in the 10th grade( im in 11th now) i started being homeschooled by my choice which was a huge mistake. i draw its what i wanna do for a career someday so i started talking to a artist that works in the animation industry over gmail chat and we would chat all the time about different things. one day i asked him " why is your blog called devil in my head?" which he explained and i dont feel like going into detail about that. then he started telling about all this spiritual stuff like astral projection and what not that night i was terrified to sleep cuz i thought i might astral projection. around the same time i found about slenderman the internet meme and i thought it was real so i didnt sleep for 3 three days cuz i thought slenderman was gonna come for me. he told me about different secret societies like the illumanti or whatever and i started to get scared i thought they were watching me. i didnt be in the animation industry anymore cuz ive heard they're in that too and i didnt want to be a part of it at all. i started to worry and wonder if god was real or not so i would spend hours researching on the subject. i also started to think i was reincarnated i felt like **** i thought my parents reallly my parents and im not really me. keep in mind i was depressed and in isolation threw all this because im homeschooled i dont get out much if at all. while i going threw all this i meet this girl at one my friends house who at first i didnt really like and thought was kinda annoying to be honest but she grew on me. this was back in by the way before i started questioning my sexuality. she would touch me and i would get a boner instantly no problem, she was the first who i felt like i loved. like i would have married her really. then in late april about 25 i think i found some horrible news. i was talking with a friend of mine on facebook and i said( ill change her name to protect her identity) "its weird how we all like jane" he then said " i dont really like her i just play around with her" after that he said "you she has a boyfriend right?" and i was like "what no you have to be kidding me why would she do all this stuff with me then?" my whole was broken i was finally happy with my life again. i had friends who i cared about and i girl i loved but i guess not. my whole body was trembling when he started telling me about it. i felt lied to i thought she cared i was so hurt. then after that in sometime in may i started watching gay porn for whatever reason. i liked it but i wasn't sure if i was straight watching it. then has happened to me three times i think no i think it was two anyway. one day in the summer i think it was 2012 girls just didn't look attractive for some reason so downloaded a bunch of pictures of this female celebrity i liked to see if still liked girls it didn't work but so i stopped worrying about it and i was back to normal after after that. in November i was looking for pictures to draw and found this one pic of two male cartoon characters sucking ****, these characters where animals and the pic wasn't that sexual but i still thought i still thought i was gay because of it. anyway i found about hocd may of this year ans started to do research on it and it seemed to fit. i worried about this the whole summer of this year and i haven't stopped yet. i keep looking to my past to see if i didn't anything gay. if i looked a guy in a sexual or secretly liked a friend, how i felt while watching porn. so may questions that never got answered. then in august 28 i joined a lgbtq forum to see if i was really gay or not. i massaged people all the time on there and started to think i was really gay or at least bi. i didn't turned on by the thought of gay sex until i joined that forum. those types of thoughts weren't even in my head back then. i has since been banned from that forum i guess cuz i messaging so many people all the time. i got on another ocd forum recently and posted there. a bisexual man man was helping in the forum then he messaged me about all things we would if he met me. when i read it i was like "the ****?" i didn't even finish it. then i read it again and i kinda liked it i guess so i went to jacked off so some gay porn and felt nothing. nothing good nothing bad just nothing. everytime i jacked off now i feel nothing really. i used to feel gross now its nothing.recently i have been sexting a female friend of mine about stuff and she sent me things which i like a lot. my heart started beating outta my chest based on what i saw and read. im getting closer to the end of my rope and really need help any help from anyone. I went back on that lgbtq forum and got some really great advice and found out about this site. I feel like I've forgotten was being straight was. Recently I felt like normal me and when on an old account I had when I wasn't questioning myself. I was just looking at the pics of girls I liked but I know that was bad cuz it only continues the cycle. I need so much and I've posted on so many forums it's crazy and I can't get therapy right now so this is all I can do so can anyone help me? Sorry it's so long.

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...
Guest roseanne

hey i am very sorry to hear about your situation. i hope you will read this even though you posted this a long time ago.

do not EVER let people tell you who you are. many gay people i know tell others they are gay, even though they are not. also the other way around. to me personally it does not sound as if you were gay. it sounds like ocd and intrusive thoughts.

people like to jump to conclusions and tell others who they think they are but that is just not right. and you are very young. it is normal for boys to feel confused it is just not as discussed in society. i believe deep down you know your sexual orientation.

a co worker of mine is gay and he had known since he was 9. he never kissed a girl, he did not even like them. i have always known that i was straight. even when i thought what would be if i was a lesbian and how would i know i would just picture myself with a woman and it just did not feel right. thats how i just knew. i think if you just listen to yourself you will know

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...