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Introducing myself, recent relapse


Guest The_glitch_in_my_head

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Guest The_glitch_in_my_head

Hello all :)

I actually have been a member for a while but neglected to use this forum for some silly reason or another. I'm wanting to have a fresh start given a relapse and use it more. So in that respect....

I have been affected with OCD since I was about 10 (I'm now 24) The symptoms manifested and at the time I felt compelled to follow them, after all, at the time I didn't even know what OCD was. Over the years the symptoms, rituals and compulsions became more pronounced until I eventually had dark thoughts which led to a mental and nervous breakdown at the age of 15. I withdrew and became a shell of a person, couldn't talk to people, looked right through them...I could barely use the bathroom like a regular human being. My GP took notice, got in touch with the Mental Health Team and soon I was taken to a secure adolescent unit for a year or so under constant watch with CBT and medicine. I gradually started fighting against it, questioning the delusional thoughts and becoming my old self again. It was magical, almost like my life and soul were coming back. I was discharged, applying for college and full of hope for the future.

Things were going well, until during my Third course at college. Throughout my course I felt anxiety and self doubt about my abilities on the course, these grew and eventually my OCD, which at the time was only minor, began to grow back into it's old self. I recognised this yet felt I couldn't do anything. I realise this was probably very weak on my part, but at the time it really felt like I could do nothing, it was different, stronger. During my time at the unit I had been diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder and this was there alongside my OCD. Eventually I was unable to continue and had to drop out. Not wanting to get worse I went to the NHS and got prescribed CBT. A vist to my Therapist every week was a welcome repreive and chance to talk about my problems, I was introduced to the Four Steps and begun to attack my OCD again. And once again I made progress, this time I was determined to stay on top. Since I was too old for college I decided to get a home studies course. And tried again.

Unfortunately My OCD was still there, and my Anxiety (which I noticed at this point seemed to be centered around Education and studies enviroments) gradually grew over the course of my studies, I was dilligent and studied hard, I was determined not to fail. But my Anxiety levels grew and grew until I started to feel simillar thoughts to what I felt before my breakdown. Along with this a strange occurence began happening where when I got exceedingly anxious my mind would focus on 1 or 2 specific images in my head, these would be "stuck" in my minds eye and I would be physically unable to think of anything else. This strange form of "tunnel vision" terrified me when it happened and I feared I was having a stroke or worse. I REALLY didn't want to give up again, but my family were very worried and we eventually decided it was for the best. I cried harder then I ever remember crying, I felt like a dropout, a failure, a loser.

So here I am with serious OCD symptoms, an "on edge" feeling most of the day and most of all, no idea where I go from here. I've been contacting the NHS Mental Health Team (My Therapist decided we should stop meeting now I had control) but I've noticed it's very hard to get them to take an interest. They seem to always be unavailible or reluctant almost. And also I have no idea what I'm going to do now I have no studies. I don't want to just languish in my home constantly. But my ideas are limited.

But today I resolved to use this website, relearn the 4 steps and get back on top, and somehow stay there this time.

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For most people overcoming OCD is a marathon, not a sprint. You can feel much better and think you're over the worst and suddenly it comes back again. The tools you learn in therapy should always be with you and put into place as soon as you notice the thoughts resurfacing.

Good luck to you and do browse the main forum.

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You're not weak, you have an illness. I also dropped out of college due to OCD. We're not failures or losers, we didn't ask for OCD.

Have you been back to your doctor to get her/him to help you with getting more treatment? Don't give up, it may take a while. Waiting lists are stupidly long in some areas.

When you start to feel a bit better you could think about a part time job or voluntary work to get you out? Or how about enrolling for some adult education classes? If you re post on the main forum I'm sure you'll get more of a response.

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Guest Sisyphus

Hey man,

You've had a rough old time of it at such an early age. I totally empathise with the unfairness of it all. Well, on the bright side you are still quite young(though I'msure it doesn't feel that way to you), so there's plenty of time to turn things around.

I've not got over my OCD yet so it's hard to grasp this concept of getting better then it coming back stronger. Terrifying. What a bad joke this thing is eh.

So will you be attending CBT with a psychologist again or do you feel confident you already know how to self0apply the therapy to yourself to get over this latest episode?

Are you getting any support from family or friends?

I know what you mean about feeling like a loser, even though what Legalseagull said is all true, it still feels that way sometimes. I've been feeling a loit like this of late. Also, the feeling of having this handicap(in the golfing sense) that makes you slower at everythiung, makes everything harder, makes you fail more, it's a hell of a lot to swallow. I've found that listening to some podcasts about buddhism/hinduism help with that kind of thing. They help you see things from a different perspective even if it's just temporary.

I haven't got any great advice I'm afraid - how could I have, you've already done better than me- but I just wanted to say hi and I'm sorry for everything you've been through. It's truly not your fault and you truly don't deserve any of it. In time I hope we can all learn to somehow accept this very strange extra burden that's been put on us, master it, and actually come out of it stronger than we started. Also it can do us good to look around at other people with worse problems. Because sometimes we imagine ourselves the only person with a problem and everyone else is "normal" and happy. But once you start looking round out there, a heck of a lot of people have pain and burdens in life, so maybe this can help us feel not so alone in our suffering.

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Guest The_glitch_in_my_head

Thank you all for the replies, It really does mean a lot that you understand and care :) It lifts my spirits on a day that has been a bit hectic.

Hey man,

You've had a rough old time of it at such an early age. I totally empathise with the unfairness of it all. Well, on the bright side you are still quite young(though I'msure it doesn't feel that way to you), so there's plenty of time to turn things around.

I've not got over my OCD yet so it's hard to grasp this concept of getting better then it coming back stronger. Terrifying. What a bad joke this thing is eh.

So will you be attending CBT with a psychologist again or do you feel confident you already know how to self0apply the therapy to yourself to get over this latest episode?

Are you getting any support from family or friends?

I know what you mean about feeling like a loser, even though what Legalseagull said is all true, it still feels that way sometimes. I've been feeling a loit like this of late. Also, the feeling of having this handicap(in the golfing sense) that makes you slower at everythiung, makes everything harder, makes you fail more, it's a hell of a lot to swallow. I've found that listening to some podcasts about buddhism/hinduism help with that kind of thing. They help you see things from a different perspective even if it's just temporary.

I haven't got any great advice I'm afraid - how could I have, you've already done better than me- but I just wanted to say hi and I'm sorry for everything you've been through. It's truly not your fault and you truly don't deserve any of it. In time I hope we can all learn to somehow accept this very strange extra burden that's been put on us, master it, and actually come out of it stronger than we started. Also it can do us good to look around at other people with worse problems. Because sometimes we imagine ourselves the only person with a problem and everyone else is "normal" and happy. But once you start looking round out there, a heck of a lot of people have pain and burdens in life, so maybe this can help us feel not so alone in our suffering.

Thank you, I feel quite old in some ways. To answer your question I've been trying to get back in touch with a Therapist and perhaps get myself analysed a little closer to see if there's something they could do about my Anxiety. I've not considered the Buddist/Hindu idea, at this point I'm willing to try anything. And I have always thought Buddisim is a pretty friendly and unthreatening religion. I also find talking to friends helps me calm down and put things about my life that worry me into perspective.

For most people overcoming OCD is a marathon, not a sprint. You can feel much better and think you're over the worst and suddenly it comes back again. The tools you learn in therapy should always be with you and put into place as soon as you notice the thoughts resurfacing.

Good luck to you and do browse the main forum.

I really do think it was my mistake thinking I was over it when I got better the second time. From now on I'm keeping a copy of the Four Steps handy. And also keeping myself close to a dr or psychiatrist who can keep me in the right direction.

You're not weak, you have an illness. I also dropped out of college due to OCD. We're not failures or losers, we didn't ask for OCD.

Have you been back to your doctor to get her/him to help you with getting more treatment? Don't give up, it may take a while. Waiting lists are stupidly long in some areas.

When you start to feel a bit better you could think about a part time job or voluntary work to get you out? Or how about enrolling for some adult education classes? If you re post on the main forum I'm sure you'll get more of a response.

Thank You for the kind words. It is hard to remember that it's an illness and not a shortcoming on my part. I actually have a sister who, while she loves me, forgets sometimes that I have a problem, she tends to think I'm just lazy or uncaring about everyone and because I look up to her it tends to sting. I've actually been thinking about volunteering, there's a nature trust near me that I quite enjoyed working at during my time before college, I could go there again. Also I'm quite into acting and thought about joining an amateur dramatics society local to me. I know several people who are members so it would be both familler and warm. These would be stress free I believe.

Ugh, You're so correct about the treatment. Nearly everytime I've been put through to the Drs or Therapists they've been "on training" or unavailible. I've heard stories in the news about NHS Mental Health patients being neglected, and I honestly feel (along with my family) like they just aren't interested.

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Guest Sisyphus

Thank you all for the replies, It really does mean a lot that you understand and care :) It lifts my spirits on a day that has been a bit hectic.

Good. It's good there's a place where we can talk freely to fellow sufferers and exchange notes I think. Cos sometimes it feels like no ###### out there wants to know that's for sure!

Thank you, I feel quite old in some ways.

It's funny - I always felt that way, even at school. Maybe that's an OCD thing or maybe some people are just old souls. There's a joke there somewhere but if I made it I'd be banned from the forum ;)

To answer your question I've been trying to get back in touch with a Therapist and perhaps get myself analysed a little closer to see if there's something they could do about my Anxiety. I've not considered the Buddist/Hindu idea, at this point I'm willing to try anything. And I have always thought Buddisim is a pretty friendly and unthreatening religion. I also find talking to friends helps me calm down and put things about my life that worry me into perspective.

Well I'm not a Buddhist or Hindu or anything else - I guess I am agnostic - but I try to keep an open mind about it all and accept the possibility that it's allegorical or something, and I enjoy contemplating the ideas and what may be beyond all this ... or not of course!

Anyway if you're interested here's some podcasts that cover this stuff:

1) Ram Dass - not podcasts as such but talks given by Ram Dass over a period of decades following his fairly dramatic spiritual transformation from an academic psychologist to a Hindu devotee. Like I said the stuff about giant monkeys gets on my nerves a bit but I find there's some wisdom in there that really resonates with my experience of life and suffering too. Some of his talks really made me think about a few things.

2) Mindrolling - actuallly one of Ram Dass's old travelling pals and a friend of his. they chew over some spiritual issues in the same vein - buddhism, hinduism, meditation etc. A more down to eath approach to it maybe.

3) Duncan Trussell - would not be surprised if you've heard of this already as it seems pretty well known. OK so this one covers all kinds of stuff but Duncan is big on spirituality so those themes come up all the time and some podcasts focus on them more. He's a stand up comedian and a very good talker. A word of warning though - there can be some bad language/adult/political stuff covered on these. Oh and he covers some Ram Dass stuff too and did a podcast with him one time.

4) The Journey - a real mixed bag of spiritual and other stuff. The one presenter, Nic used to be on another show I used to listen to called London Real. That used to be good but I went off it when Nic left.

If you're anything like me, you'll probably never listen to any of those but just throwing them out there in case of interest.

The only other thing I would say about that is if you do end up listening to them, try hard to not take anything at face value. Question everything and make up your own mind. Because there's some heavy ideas discussed in there and not to be taken lightly. I personally will not commit to any religious, spiritual, ghostly, UFO or other ideas unless I have solid first hand experience. A while back I wwent and tried ayahuasca hoping it would help with this(before I knew it was OCD). Not a good experience. In my case it didn't jive too well with OCD! But to hear them talk about it on the podcasts, you'd think it was a panacea. And I always knew there was a chance it wasn't all that, but I was pretty desperate by that point so I gave it a shot anyway. So beware the snake oil salesmen is what I'm trying to say!

I hope you can get over this bump in the road soon and find some peace and balance.

Edited by Sisyphus
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Guest LeaveMeOutIt

If you're anything like me, you'll probably never listen to any of those but just throwing them out there in case of interest.

The only other thing I would say about that is if you do end up listening to them, try hard to not take anything at face value. Question everything and make up your own mind. Because there's some heavy ideas discussed in there and not to be taken lightly. I personally will not commit to any religious, spiritual, ghostly, UFO or other ideas unless I have solid first hand experience. A while back I wwent and tried ayahuasca hoping it would help with this(before I knew it was OCD). Not a good experience. In my case it didn't jive too well with OCD! But to hear them talk about it on the podcasts, you'd think it was a panacea. And I always knew there was a chance it wasn't all that, but I was pretty desperate by that point so I gave it a shot anyway. So beware the snake oil salesmen is what I'm trying to say!

I hope you can get over this bump in the road soon and find some peace and balance.

I definitely am sad to learn the ayahuasca isn't all that and a dime bag. Was definitely hoping to try it at some point in hope of a miracle cure. Definitely would reccomend the DT podcast, even just for entertainment value alone.

Just remember bro, if you're not sure if its OCD, its OCD. OCD has no power if you know thats what it is, its the doubt thats the killer. It will change and morph and adapt to your defense mechanisms and come up with new ways to mess with you. Just remember, if you're here, its OCD, and you can, and will beat it.

Also, Sisyphus... great name for an OCD forum user.

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Guest Sisyphus

I definitely am sad to learn the ayahuasca isn't all that and a dime bag. Was definitely hoping to try it at some point in hope of a miracle cure. Definitely would reccomend the DT podcast, even just for entertainment value alone.

Just remember bro, if you're not sure if its OCD, its OCD. OCD has no power if you know thats what it is, its the doubt thats the killer. It will change and morph and adapt to your defense mechanisms and come up with new ways to mess with you. Just remember, if you're here, its OCD, and you can, and will beat it.

Also, Sisyphus... great name for an OCD forum user.

Hey man,

Thanks - yeah the name seems apt somehow!

Well listen - I seriously would not abandon your hopes of doing ayahuasca based on one person's experience. Everyone's different. I have 0% evidence that ayahuasca didn't work for me because of OCd. It's just what I'm telling myself(maybe to make me feel better about it!?). But everyone's different, everyone's OCD is different. So I'd say still try it if you want to. I mean it wont kill you. If you have a bad time with it, reduce the dose the next time(if doing more than one).

Maybe I jsut didn't have the right atttitude for it or something. Plus, on top of the bad trips, I did get DMT trips, I did see some kind orf visions, so it wasn't a total loss. Just not the life changing reboot I had hoped for. I mean seriously none of that for me.

But it bothers me that I might put you off doing it if it's something you've been thinking about. I suppose I just say about my experience *in case* it's a risk for OCD sufferers. But maybe I should just keep my mouth(fingers!?) shut about it.

All the best,

David.

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Guest dilee7

hello,

I read your story. I want to know something. You said you had medication for ocd. Did they help u? Plz reply. Plz read my story on introducing page as 16 uears ocd sufferer.

Thanks!

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Guest PolytheneBoy

Hi and welcome back to the forum! i am also a returnee, so it's cool!

I can relate to feeling on edge all day, that's how I used to be and can get like that every now and then still. I was also in education and it didn't work out for me. I found a useful thing for me was to engage in a local charity who supported me during this terrible time. I didn't engage in much until I found out about a group I could attend, and I went to that on a regular basis until I found myself making bigger and bigger steps towards functionality. I think it takes a little interest in something to get the ball moving, so act on the inspiration whenever you can!

And don't give up! You've made a bold step in coming back here, and it is respectable to seek help.

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