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Questioning and understanding


Guest ceetee

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I recently broke down uncontrollably at the end of a night out after seeing my reflection in the mirror. Okay so alcohol probably didn't help me but how I felt upon seeing my reflection stands true today, and has done for a very long time. The outpouring of emotion made me question myself, why I felt so very bad.

Looking back I began to dislike my appearance at school, from the age of about 10. Bearing a very large forehead I became the source of much amusement for children in my class who relished calling me a multitude of names related to the large 'spam' I was owner of. Combine this with the fact that I was much taller than all the other girls in my class, and as a result always chosen to play boy parts in school plays, I felt pretty **** about myself, and very unfeminine.

Around this time I started to pick the skin around my fingers, often to the point of bleeding, in an attempt to rid them of what I perceived as imperfections, tiny bits of skin most people would look at and see nothing. I still do this, some 25+ years later. My fingers are covered in rough sore bits of skin, as a wound heals i'll pick the scabs back off, most of the time I don't even realise i'm doing it, it's subconscious. The finger picking is at its worst when i'm socially uncomfortable, or anxious. Put me in a group of people and ask me to make conversation and i'll pick my fingers to death.

Back to the face, and my general appearance. I read earlier a post from someone who fears visiting the hairdressers, and hates looking at their reflection. I empathise totally. I only go to the hairdressers once a year, generally fearful that they will make me look even worse than I do already. On a recent visit the hairdresser cut my fringe too short. I was devastated. Everyone could now see how hideous my face was, and the enormity of my forehead. I hate it if the wind blows my hair off my face, if I exercise and sweat forces my hair to stick to the edges of my face. I cannot take my make up off and let my partner see me without. I get up before him, and reapply before he can see. I don't feel good enough for him generally, despite compliments from him and others on how pretty etc I am, I cannot see it. All I see is a gross face and body, more of a man than a woman.

So I'm guessing that the finger picking and the self hatred go together. Question is, what can I do about it? My dislike for myself is very destructive, i'm constantly battling, putting myself down, not integrating with friends because I don't feel good enough. I know that generally there's a likelihood depression is playing a part, but the roots of this need digging up and burying. I want to feel self confident, to have just a tiny bit of self belief would feel amazing. I'm constantly telling my daughter how beautiful she is - the last thing I want for her is to feel this way about herself.

Words over, any thoughts appreciated.

:)

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Hi..no not in recent years, had CBT before for generalised depression. It kind of worked, I'm a bit reluctant to go through it all again but know I may have to

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I've never put words together before today, let alone talked about it with anyone. I guess its a place to start, it will sound so ridiculous surely to others :(

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Never !! Its so important to talk about it.. You would be very surprised oh how common it is

I'd suggest perhaps speaking to gp and ask for a refferal for treatment

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Thank you..I'm too scared to stick my neck out and speak to the doctor, I know I have to though. Someone had previously mentioned hypnotherapy for the finger picking, any idea if this works?

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  • 3 weeks later...

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