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So...Is it OCD, or isn't it?


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Hi all,

I've been batted from pillar to post and I really needed to talk about my harm OCD - type problem, because it could be OCD,or there again, it might not be, more on that in a moment.

I have what I'm 99% sure is "Pure O". Everything I have read about OCD in recent events makes perfect sense. I've been an extremely anxious individual all my life but not once in my life did I ever think I had OCD. I confess, until you realise you suffer with it it's a bit of a joke, isn't it? The friend who arranges her colouring pencils in order of the colours of the rainbow, if she doesn't she'll fail her exams. There was also a guy in my year who had to touch everything to make it "real" too, if he hadn't touched it, he was in a dream world and he'd have major panic attacks. I'm not sure if this is OCD, but none the less he was terrified as we were of him and his behaviours. The table was quite clearly there, how could it not be real? The joys of OCD, eh?

If we start back at the beginning, my very first thoughts followed on from a dream I had. I'd been in a car and it drove off without a driver woth me stuck in the backseat. Too many episodes of Brum? Quite possibly. But following the dream, my favourite little yellow car became my worst enemy. It got to the point I could not stay in the car at any time. Even if it was parked on the driveway. if Mum was making sandwiches for a daytrip and Dad got out of the drivers' seat to check the oil, hell would break out. There had to be a driver and I ALWAYS had to see that the driver was driving. If I could see the driver and see he was in control of the car, all was well. As you can imagine that made public transport incredibly fun for my parents!

After that what I realise now was a recurrent intrusive thought. I'd lay in bed at night and if my parents were not in bed I would lay in bed, tears streaming down my temples, hoping, praying they were OK. In this thought, my parents were killed in a car crash. I'd hear the screech of the tyres in my head, I'd see their bloodied, lifeless bodies, the destroyed remains of our Talbot Horizon, everything. If my parents were out (and given back then bedtime for me was 6-7pm and my parents did occasionally used to do a bit of a late night Christmas shopping) and we had a babysitter I would be hell on Earth for her. I'd stay awake, crying from the top of the stairs for my Mum. As soon as she came home and came in to check on me I would sob uncontrollably, cuddle up to her for a bit and finally go to sleep.

Following that, we had a separation anxiety type episode. I used to stay at my granparents on a Saturday night once a fortnight but I had a thought that would reoccur every week. If I was at my Granparents, something would happen to my parents, a thief would break in and kill my parents but I could somehow fight them off and save my family (a bit of a fantasy, I realise that, but at the time it seemed real). So following my pleas to come home my parents quite often obliged, confused by my request. Then we had the flipside of that thought and if I was at home my Granparents might choke on their food and die. My Granparents were burgled at one time while I wasn't there, it was a Thursday, a schoo, night, but I still blamed myself. Again, I was hell at that point, constantly making my parents drive the 500 yards between my granparents and our house and back again because I didn't know where I wanted to be.

After that my parents got sick of me and took me to see a paediatrician. After many brain scans and various other tests I was put down as having borderline hydrocephalus and Generalised Anxiety Disorder. There were also passing suggestions that I may have Aspergers Syndrome though I'm so confident around people since I turned about 14 this was dropped off the radar.

At the start of secondary school I started with dermatillomania and nail biting. Sometimes both so close together it looked to some that I was "picking and eating nits". Not at all, of course, that even makes my stomach hurl. Nowadays I'm usually just raking away at my scalp when I'm stressed.My Mum is also a skin-picker, she picks at spots and scabs on her body when she is stressed and anxious.

Nothing realliy happened then until 2001, I had a huge panic attack in Tesco Redruth. My heart was beating hard and fast and it hurt, I had tingling pains in my face and I was sure I was going to die. After that, I was constantly running ragged with fear that something would cause me to have what I was sure was a heart attack. Even though I was told it was a panic attack, I was sure otherwise. I turned into what my husband describes as a "classic hypochondriac".Anytime we went out to eat I would avoid anything that came with high-fat foods (eg. chips, bacon, cheese, fried foods, high sugar, high salt) and was very picky about what I ate. I'd have to check ever pre-packed sandwich, every drink, every pack of crisps etc before I would but them. I knew all the guideline daily amounts of "bad stuff" for women and stayed under them like my life depended on it. If I brought something in "error" (for example, I brought a drink that was 4g sat fat but then noticed it was 4g per 100ml and it was a 380ml bottle, that's 15.6g sat fat in the drink) I would drink exactly "enough" not to go over my limit (go back to the drink, I'd drink no more than about a third as it'd only be 5.2g sat fat and would still allow for fat in my other meals and give the remainder away or bin it).When I fed myself I had a very set meal. Breakfast was a handful of cereal with half a glass of skimmed milk and some sultanas, followed by an apple. Lunch was a half sandwich and an apple and tea was whatever the family were having, unless it contained a "bad" food, in which case I'd have a jacket potato. I also ate on average 6 apples a day. I was also very attentative to my body, even in some ways anorexic, though my family said I looked "good".I got down to 10st 7lbs, the ideal weight for a woman of my size. I was getting offered modelling contracts, dates, more or less anything I wanted. My shoulders were clear and defined, my legs and arms had next to no flesh on them but my family were happy and so was my doctor. As soon as I started to relax and gained weight again all I would hear is "you're gaining a bit again, you want to keep an eye on that". I was a size 6/8 back then and I am big boned!

The "hypochondriac" phased passed then in 2011. Oddly around the time of my Granmother's death I stopped obsessing so much with my own.I noticed it a few times but I was so worried about her I forgot about my own problems. It was about 10 months later in October 2012 the most sickening thought hit me. In the midst of planning my wedding I suddenly had the impulse to stab my then fiancé in the heart. Thinking about it now makes me feel sick, I immediately started avoiding knives for fear of having that thought come back and spent months analyzing it, I still do, is there something wrong with me? Am I about to go crazy? In more recent times I've feared going to my parents house and killing my family. I don't want to, I have have no desire to kill them and the very thought makes me feel cold with fear, but I feel as though I am fighting myself. I've binned all of our knives and want my family to do the same. I also get really anxious about DNA. Anything I touch I worry about leaving fingerprints or DNA on. I worry about brushing my hair or teeth because of hair or saliva, I worry about changing my clothing, even going to the bathroom. If I'm cleaning, something tells me I've killed someone and I'm cleaning up DNA. obviously it;s not true, but my brain still likes me to believe it. At one time I wanted to work in forensic science, now those guys are the very people I fear. At one time I loved cop shows, now I avoid them because I'll sit thereand worry about how long I'll spend in jail if I killed someone. I think part of me not looking after myself is that I'm so sure I'll end up in jail, I sort of feel I don't really need or don't deserve to look and feel good.

My family don't understand. barely a fortnight ago I had the most absurd obsession that I was going to kill myself. I didn't want to, but the impulse was there. I managed to find the courage to pick up the phone and call my Mum, who sent my Dad up to collect me and take me to their house for a few hours. I was helping my Mum wrap gifts for the nursing home she works in but for most of the time I sat, frozen, She was using a bread knife to cut the gift wrap and I wanted to be as far away as possible. My family has so many knives laying around it's untrue. We go down once a month for Sunday roast and I'm always afraid one day I will lose it and kill everyone.You hear so much of it in the newspapers, hell I even know a man who attacked someone with a machete.I've told my family and friends about my thoughts but my best friend told me about Jeffrey Dahmer and said things like "well if you do kill Matt I'll be your alibi" and my Mum told me about a programme about killers she'd seen, one was a woman who just flipped outright and killed her Dad. I also told my friend that my thoughts get worse when I'm tired and she told me about a guy who got away with murder because he was sleep deprived and killed his wife. These things don't help!! I know these people want to help and want to understand but these titbits of information are just making me worse.

I've also had random thoughts of killing myself at the most absurd times. My honeymoon was ruined by thoughts of jumping onto the train track in front of a HST and even impulses just to bend down and touch the track. Not a desire to kill myself or a desire to engage in wreckless, stupid behaviour. Just an impulse to bend down and...touch! It sounds almost funny now, but at the time it wasn't. On the way home from our honeymoon I refused to leave the station waiting room until our train was at the platform. I also attented the Bristol Kite Festival and saw a Air Ambulance which had to depart to attend an RTA while we were there. My husband and I were stood near the front of the audience and I had an impulse to run forward. I knew the blades would decapitate me without a doubt but the impulse was so strong. I could feel my stomach drop and my throat dry out. I felt a real sense of relief when it finally took off, I didn't have to worry about giving in to that impulse anymore. It was gone.

So why is this under the NHS/DOH forum? Well, my friends, these people don't seem to know what's wrong with me. So to summarize here's a brief order of events over the past 18 months:-

  • October 2012 - Violent thoughts began
  • April 2013- Saw Dr G, advised thoughts were hormonal,told weight is too high to return to combined pill so to try different minipill, no luck
  • June 2013- Saw Dr W, advised thoughts were obsessive-type thinking, prescribed 40mg Propranolol twice daily and 6-week OCD course through LIFT Psychology
  • August 2013 - Quit OCD course & Propranolol, felt excluded as thoughts are violent and most group members were concerned by contamination-type thoughts
  • Dec 2013 - Threw out knives, saw Dr T, given urgent appointment with PCLS (Patient Care Liason Service) & 1 wk Sertraline to "control impulsitivity"
  • Dec 2013 - Saw Psychiatric nurse from PCLS, advised I was not psychotic or bipolar.Informed me DR T had written down I had a history of OCD. Nurse told me thoughts were "catastrophic, obsessive thinking"
  • Dec 2013 - Recieved copy of assessment by psychiatric nurse. He believes my problems are low self-esteem and obsessive thinking. Liased with psychiatric doctor who recommended I was prescribed 50mg twice daily working up to 150mg twice daily of Pregabalin, given I have had side effects from fluoxetine and citalopram and advised to return to LIFT for one-to-one counselling,also to join a walking scheme for fitness, urged to see a dietician and advised to sort some music that helps me relax during anxious episodes.

It should be noted that neither Dr G,Dr W or Dr T are my regular doctors. It seems quite often that my normal doctor is out of the surgery and I end up being seen by one of his colleagues instead.

I have tried to push for a diagnosis of OCD but I don't seem to get one. I know in some respects it's a reassurance thing but on the other hand if I can actually say to people "I'm not delussional, I have obsessive-compulsive disorder" then it will be a relief.At the moment my mother is still very persistent that I am autistic and my Dad thinks I have a genetic pitituary adenoma, something he was convinced he had until his MRI scans came back clear (would I say my Dad is a hypochondriac? Yes! He's forever Googling his aches and pains like I used to but he won't believe it!). My husband is sure I have OCD but also believes I may have "cabin fever" as I rarely go out, namely because I'm worried if I do I might sidetrack and set out to kill someone.

When I'm very bad I use Rescue Remedy pastilles to control the anxiety, along with keeping the HALT tehnique in mind as to why I'm obsessing. If I'm ruminating, I quite often tell myself to get up and go do something, though more often it takes my husband to tell me to go and do something, or to keep me on task with different jobs as when I get vary anxious I develop what he calls "OCD ADHD", I get so bogged down with my obsessions that I try and get a million and one things done to distract myself from the thoughts, quite often jumping from one task to the next without completing the first task, leaving the home in something of a catastrophic state. I confess, my self-care also leaves a lot to be desired.Since the onset of my thoughts I have a golfball-sized knot in my hair that I usually hide under a bun, I'm 19st and haven't seen a hairdresser or dentist in nearly 2 years. Showers probably happen once a week on average as I usually "don't have time for me" as I find me loads of other things that need to be done, regardless of whether they are important or not, I make them more important than me.

Can anyone help? Everything I have read about Pure O would point to this little known form of OCD but they don't seem to be able to agree on what it's called.

Thanks for reading

FoosBoo88 x

Edited by FoosBoo88
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  • 2 months later...

Hi Foosboo.I've just come across this and to my mind it just seems like OCD.I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad.Have you had any help since posting this from the GP's.Have you tried IAPT.They should be able to help

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest oak711

Hi FoosBoo88,

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering.

It sounds like you might have OCD, with your thoughts that something could go wrong if you don't do X, Y, Z - when X, Y, Z are unrelated to the catastrophe. For example your fear that your grandparents would be hurt if you didn't stay with them, same thing with your parents.

As a kid I used to think that I had to snap my fingers a certain number of times, or tap my feet a certain number of times, or else something awful would happen, like a death in the family. Your fears from childhood remind me of mine.

The intrusive thought you had, about jumping in front of an ambulance or train, is also classic OCD... so long as it's not something you really want to do. I've had that thought sometimes, and I found it a bit distressing.

The thoughts of harming others is also classic OCD. I used to have that but it went away. It's been replaced by more tolerable things, but things that are still distressing :)

The important thing is that you are STRESSED out by ANXIETY and anyone who is like that deserves proper therapeutic care. It sounds like you probably have OCD, but I wouldn't quibble about the terms, and I'm also not a licensed psychologist so I'm not qualified to diagnose you.

What you should do is try to find a good therapist, someone who makes you feel good about yourself, someone you trust and connect with. I would do this before going to psychiatrists. It's important to find someone who makes you feel good about yourself, who is kind, smart, respectful, and honest.

OCD or no OCD, it's not a question of labels. It's a question of whether you are happy. If you are sad, anxious, and suffer from low self-esteem, then you deserve a change for the better. Unfortunately it's not always easy to find a psychologist who can really do a good job by you. There are plenty of good ones, but also plenty of bad ones, just like doctors, physical therapists, and any other health professionals. Life is unfair, and if you can't find a good therapist I would recommend reading books on the subject, books on OCD, self-esteem, and to keep on posting on this forum.

You know the difference between "normal" people and us? "Normal" people have this unshakeable feeling that everything will turn out OK :)

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