Not sure who I am some days.

[Guest Heryn!]

I started this topic on taurean's advice.

I have been experiencing heavy dissatisfaction and feelings of depersonalisation recently. I don't know what it is. A heaviness. Not liking myself particularly. Feeling like I'm wasting time (constantly feeling this way); on bad days, I feel like I've landed from another planet. Even the checking becomes a bit less important.

Any tips to deal with this?

[Jedi Master Scarface]

Maybe on the cusp of depression by the sounds of it. Visit your GP and explain to them your true feelings. This sounds like it's something serious and so should be treated as such, don't let your GP palm you off without a good one over. I hope the advice helps, GP's will be able to give you better information if you're honest with them. Hope everything goes well in your future.

[Cub]

I get this as well, Heryn and I think it is depression, definitely. Visiting your GP will be the first step.

C x

[Guest Heryn!]

Thanks to you both for your replies.

Today's been quite rotten, as well, mostly because of OCD. I slept a lot today. It didn't really help - I felt the same way when I woke up. I feel guilty about lots and lots of things; none of which I can actively change and some of which have nothing to do with me personally. Whatever it is that I'm feeling - it seems to taint everything. Some days I can't seem to do anything or go anywhere without there being some sort of hideous mental caveat which applies only to me.

Anyway... sorry for the rant. Thanks again.

[ACE]

I think very common Heryn when you're feeling like this as you may be having very obvious confusing thoughts about yourself which can surely be associated a fair bit with Depression,OCD,Anxiety etc etc.Try not to feel bad it's good you're aware of this hun have you spoken to your Doctor about this& are you taking any medication at the moment/have you been diagnosed with anything also? :original: .

[Guest Heryn!]

I think very common Heryn when you're feeling like this as you may be having very obvious confusing thoughts about yourself which can surely be associated a fair bit with Depression,OCD,Anxiety etc etc.Try not to feel bad it's good you're aware of this hun have you spoken to your Doctor about this& are you taking any medication at the moment/have you been diagnosed with anything also? :original: .

Thanks for your reply, Ace.

I dpn't know if it is. I don't know whether I just want to live in ignorance. At least then I might not over-think things. :bag:

I already take a high dose of fluoxetine for the OCD. I'm not sure if my doctor thinks I'm depressed, or that OCD is my only problem - either way, I haven't asked them and they haven't mentioned it. I suppose I tend to think the tablets should combat any low feelings as well. I've been taking them for some years now - hate to think they might have lost some of their effectiveness.

[taurean]

Hi Heryn,

Guilt is often associated with OCD. Overthinking is too.

Fluoxetine being an SSRI is also an anti-depressant, and it is possible for the effects of the SSRI to tail off over time. Also, when we struggle to cope on a regular basis, we are likely to get despondent and depressed. As the others say, best to discuss with your doctor.

What CBT/ERP techniques do you know, have you been using? The OCD tends to operate in some core standardised ways whatever the flavour of the OCD, then with some specific add-ons for certain ones e.g. uncertainty is a key OCD card it plays with certain flavours.

The Book "Break Free From OCD - Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder With CBT", where one of the co-authors is Professor Paul Salkovskis a patron of OCD-UK, is, for me, good at helping people draw up a "vicious flower" diagram of how each flavour of OCD is formed,triggers and creates a circle of distress - and providing guidance on CBT techniques to use as counter-measures.

Understanding why we think feel and react like we do is important . It doesn't look like you have discovered that understanding yet . As I say, guilt is a common card OCD plays, but understanding why, and which OCD flavour is involved, would be helpful.

Can you add some specifics to the feelings of dissatisfaction?. Try looking for an underpinning fear, then a resulting distress. And what form does the depersonalisation take?

There are a number of faulty thinking styles - cognitive distortions - some of which may be at play in your difficulties.

I have a great little paperback book in the "Teach Yourself" series called "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy" by Christine Wilding. I like its style and simple explanations - and it covers lots of useful ground and gives many useful therapy tools.

It explains these - 10 - thinking distortions - what they are, how they can affect us, and how we can deal with them.

For example, overgeneralisation - where someone tends to catastrophise from one incident - e.g. we make a mistake at work, and we take the view from that that we are useless and cannot do the job. In practice, we are likely perfectly capable of doing the job but, being human, we can make a mistake. One mistake does not however make us incapable and useless.

I hope this gives you and others in need some useful pointers.

Best wishes

Roy

Edited July 13, 2015 by taurean

[Guest Heryn!]

Guilt is often associated with OCD. Overthinking is too.

Thanks for reminding me of this, Roy.

What CBT/ERP techniques do you know, have you been using? The OCD tends to operate in some core standardised ways whatever the flavour of the OCD, then with some specific add-ons for certain ones e.g. uncertainty is a key OCD card it plays with certain flavours.

Can you add some specifics to the feelings of dissatisfaction?. Try looking for an underpinning fear, then a resulting distress. And what form does the depersonalisation take?

I have a great little paperback book in the "Teach Yourself" series called "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy" by Christine Wilding. I like its style and simple explanations - and it covers lots of useful ground and gives many useful therapy tools.

Yes, but there are too many to go into here and it's a long story. Of course, I know I can put more effort into tackling the OCD. That's a given.

I can't describe it adequately; I'm not sure what I like, what I don't like, what is OCD in my life and what isn't; where I'm going in life; why I'm going in that direction; what's beyond this; what's the point. And disappointingly, I don't know whether it's all OCD, or none of it is. (I think too much.)

I found a good little website with self-help CBT. I will look at that tonight.

[taurean]

Well the CBT website might help. But check out the 10 cognitive thinking distortions - you can call them up online.

See if you can identify any in yourself - a particular one is personalisation - maybe you have created a new depersonalisation one.

Catastrophising is I think another.

The CBT should help you counter any you have - I have bits of about 4 of them.

[Guest Heryn!]

Well the CBT website might help. But check out the 10 cognitive thinking distortions - you can call them up online.

See if you can identify any in yourself - a particular one is personalisation - maybe you have created a new depersonalisation one.

I did that. They are helpful. However, I'm not sure if my feelings of depersonalisation are the opposite of what they call 'personalisation'. Sometimes, I feel a bit numb about life; a lot of times, I feel guilty.

Perhaps 'depersonalisation' is the wrong word to describe what I have been feeling.

[taurean]

Ok - perhaps what you need to do is do is dig deeper into why you are feeling guilty? is there a fear that you have done something wrong or bad, which then creates intrusions and then leads to anaysing and ruminating?

If not that, do you feel that life is drifting, you have been unable to progress, and so you perhaps feel you have let people down, yourself down, you are struggling to see the point of things or whatever?

[Guest Heryn!]

Ok - perhaps what you need to do is do is dig deeper into why you are feeling guilty? is there a fear that you have done something wrong or bad, which then creates intrusions and then leads to anaysing and ruminating?

If not that, do you feel that life is drifting, you have been unable to progress, and so you perhaps feel you have let people down, yourself down, you are struggling to see the point of things or whatever?

Yes to all of those.

[taurean]

Hi Heryn.

Well the first looks like OCD. The second is maybe more like feeling disillusioned and depressed. Not an uncommon situation amongst fellow forum members, so maybe others can give you some guidance on that.

[Guest Heryn!]

I had thought (entirely wrongly) that I'd rather cope with the checking than the depressive feelings. Unfortunately, I have performed checks today, so the message there is: don't underestimate your own brain.

[taurean]

Well from my recollection you've got hoarding, checking and some false memory OCD?

Then there are issues regarding self-worth, and depression may be a consequence of these perhaps? (mine happens when I am struggling with my OCD).So is the depression and feeling of failure a consequence i.e. collateral damage if you like - of the OCD, or is it stand alone?

Perhaps a way forward is to decide what you plan to work on in what graded way. I'm not really sure of the best goals to aim for when several OCD manifestations are concurrent - maybe someone else can assist? .

Edited July 15, 2015 by taurean

[Gemma7]

Hi heryn sorry to see you are having such a hard time. I am feeling very despondent at times too and I have started checking recently too. I find checking so draining its unbelievable. Its like your brain is working overtime and then some. Are there any tiny achievements you could attempt that might help lift your mood and give you a better outlook?

[Cub]

Massive cuddle of empathy for you, Heryn. <3

[Guest Heryn!]

Well from my recollection you've got hoarding, checking and some false memory OCD?

Then there are issues regarding self-worth, and depression may be a consequence of these perhaps? (mine happens when I am struggling with my OCD).So is the depression and feeling of failure a consequence i.e. collateral damage if you like - of the OCD, or is it stand alone?

Perhaps a way forward is to decide what you plan to work on in what graded way. I'm not really sure of the best goals to aim for when several OCD manifestations are concurrent - maybe someone else can assist? .

At the moment, yes.

I think it's entirely possible that the way I have been feeling is partly because of the OCD. For example, working on the hoarding - which shouldn't take long, in theory, to clear up if I just worked consistently - might give me a bit of a boost, seeing a tidy room and having a blank canvas to (possibly) re-decorate. In the same way, a lot of the guilt is OCD as well, because of the trademark ruminations, etc.

I don't think I work as hard enough to recognise it as I should; but in my defence, I've had a lot of other things in life to occupy my brain. Maybe OCD is just hitting back.

Hi heryn sorry to see you are having such a hard time. I am feeling very despondent at times too and I have started checking recently too. I find checking so draining its unbelievable. Its like your brain is working overtime and then some. Are there any tiny achievements you could attempt that might help lift your mood and give you a better outlook?

Thanks for your reply, Gemma.

Yeah, I know all too well how you feel. You don't know that you know that you know.

I do some crafting sometimes. I love picking out fabric, second-hand shops, charity shops. I'd like to start sewing. I'd like to redecorate as well, maybe get some new furniture. I do try to get out for fresh air; it does help. I will fish out the ACE thread or Positives and try to post achievements on that.

:artist:

Massive cuddle of empathy for you, Heryn. <3

:hug:

[taurean]

Good you have a plan. Some fight is coming through - great.

The game is to see when the disorder is fighting back and switch focus- maybe move amongst the themes one step at a time - edging along but taking counters on the chin; it is not a disaster to delay compulsing then give in; we just get back on the horse and revisit later after regrouping.

We are all rooting for you here :group: the craft is good. I read :book: that helps me. Puzzles and drawing come into their own for me for at other times - busy working on two homes at the moment.Ours and her Mums.

[ACE]

Thanks for your reply, Ace.

I dpn't know if it is. I don't know whether I just want to live in ignorance. At least then I might not over-think things. :bag:

I already take a high dose of fluoxetine for the OCD. I'm not sure if my doctor thinks I'm depressed, or that OCD is my only problem - either way, I haven't asked them and they haven't mentioned it. I suppose I tend to think the tablets should combat any low feelings as well. I've been taking them for some years now - hate to think they might have lost some of their effectiveness.

Hey there Heryn how are you feeling hun? I'm very sorry for my late reply as I've had some surgery on my foot .I think you're doing remarkably well i wanted to say& keep it up ok hun.

[Guest Heryn!]

Don't worry about it, Ace. Feet come first.

Today was fairly bleh. I think my laptop is nearing the end which is upsetting - sounds stupid but I have had it for quite a few years - and also demoralising, because I can't afford another right now.

I know I should be grateful for what I have. But little in my life is where I want it to be and it wears me out thinking about how long it might take to get there; the days seem to move so quickly and it seems like others can just *snaps fingers badly* and make things happen for themselves. Is that what they call 'get up and go'? I think mine left some time hence

[Gemma7]

Don't worry about it, Ace. Feet come first.

Today was fairly bleh. I think my laptop is nearing the end which is upsetting - sounds stupid but I have had it for quite a few years - and also demoralising, because I can't afford another right now.

I know I should be grateful for what I have. But little in my life is where I want it to be and it wears me out thinking about how long it might take to get there; the days seem to move so quickly and it seems like others can just *snaps fingers badly* and make things happen for themselves. Is that what they call 'get up and go'? I think mine left some time hence

I feel like this too, I am so far away from where I want to be it seems like it isnt even a speck on the horizon.

Ashley said something quite good in the status updates that I thought made sense I am paraphrasing ' dont give up on what you want just because of how long it will take, the time will pass anyway '.

Hope your laptop keeps going for you :original:

[taurean]

I think your mojo has gone walkies.:biggrin:

Let's look for the positives

You could be a migrant seeking to jump on a truck to break into Britain - but you aren't.

You may not have money, but you have a roof over your head can eat and have a fine hobby in the crafting.

If it comes to it, a fairly basic mobile with internet access will access the forum through the forum's "mobile" software - a more basic software version but works brilliantly - I use it all the time, but am currently on the laptop. I even have the codes to use emoticons on it.

Sometimes we have to tread water, but with a few small gains we can start to swim again.

You are amongst a wonderful community here of understanding people.:cheer:

And they empathise and encourage when we are a bit down. :hug:

[Guest Heryn!]

Bad panic. What if, what if. What is the point of this torment?

[Guest Heryn!]

:crybaby:

I can't cope with these damn triggers. On top of everything else, it's too much. I just want some peace from my own brain; and some peace in life.