Struggling to love myself.

[Cub]

Hi all

How are we all doing this week?

I wanted to write in, because, well *gestures at header* I don't have a lot of affection or love for myself at the moment. I can't help but dislike myself all the time, because I feel I'm twisted up in the inside and I'm not normal in the head. I often wonder that that's something wrong with me and frequently entertain negative scenarios of self-harm. I just feel I can't love myself and wonder if there's any point to me and that no-one could ever love me and that I'll always be alone in this world.

I know it's okay to feel sad without my Mum, but I find it really hard to be happy because I feel I'm so messed up on the inside and I'm a huge letdown to my family because of the way my mood is. I don't even know if my eldest brother even likes me - he once dismissed me as 'useless' as though I wasn't even there right next to him when he said it. I just feel alone; I've been living on my own in a new city for nine months and I don't feel I really have any friends. I don't know if all the stuff that's been going through my head recently - some of which I'm genuinely concerned about as my thoughts were in pretty dark places at times - have sent out hostile vibes left right and centre, if I've put the walls up. I feel I've been a little difficult to get on with recently, as I've struggled to socialise and make conversation and although people have been nice, I just wonder if I'm being pitied. I also know I need to buck up and get on with things; but I feel so alone. I don't really know why anyone would want to be my friend anyway. I always feel so self-conscious and find myself thinking 'Socialising and happiness seems so easy for everyone else.' At a drinks do last week, I quickly felt very self-conscious because everyone at the table began talking in groups and I was left floundering, as though I had no-one to talk to, which made me feel very sad; I was afraid to get involved in the conversation because I couldn't get it, in case I made a fool of myself, which I feel is a little too often. But then that makes me feel more pathetic than ever because I can't even stand independently and just entertain myself. Having said that, though, I hear those feelings are quite normal for someone with depression.

I also have difficulty relaxing at times. I'm doing better on not ruminating, but I don't know how long that'll last because it feels like I'm 'holding something off' in my head and it's only a matter of time before it returns. I feel a bite breathless and tight-chested in myself because I feel I'm holding it off, but it won't be gone forever. I'm giving myself a break and not setting myself up to impossible standards because I kept having this kind of 'checking' in my head, a kind of mental compulsion - making sure there was nothing I could do to make things even more perfect.

One thing I struggle with a lot is this: my sense of morality and religion. One of my massive fears is being a bigoted hypocrite. I'm a fairly free-thinking - although deep-thinking - Christian and over the years, I've compared myself to a lot of people who perhaps have a better sense of faith. I can make myself so anxious; there are moments I have when I govern myself fiercely and then I worry about being horrible. I think that's where the heart thing comes from - I don't want to pin myself down but I'm worried I might have to. I can sometimes struggle in bed at night because my heart can start thumping, even as I try and relax myself into sleep. I especially struggle in the exploration of my own sense of sexuality, because I feel sometimes I have these voices in my head saying 'No, this is wrong, this and that and these are wrong,' (which ties into my fear of being bigoted against others and being a horrid person) and I wonder if that's a kind of scrupolosity thing, in a way, because it feels as though I'm drawing myself up so tight that I'm almost withering - I'm not letting anything in and so I can't relax because I'm always judging myself. I do want to be good with my beliefs - I'm not sure why constitutes a 'good Christian' these days but I want to stay close to the God I believe in without being stupid.

Wow, this post got long. Anyway, apologies for sounding so sad.

C x

[Guest PaulM]

Hi Cub,

No need to apologize. I have similar thoughts at times.

I'm embarrassed to say it, but there are times I get rather jealous seeing couples in love and I wonder why not me?

I struggle with the impact I've had on my family. In fact, today I'm in a pretty deep pit of self loathing after my daughter told me last night she's going back to live with her mum. I naturally think it's because of me.

I went to a back garden concert two weeks ago. I didn't know anybody except the host and her boyfriend. During the intermission I felt so out of place seeing all these people chatting and laughing and socializing that I spoke to the host, made up something about having to check on things at home, and left before the intermission was over. Not knowing anyone, I just felt awkward and out of place.

The morality/religion thing is tough. I was talking with friends on the idea of trust and it playing an immense role in coping with very things we seem to have in common.

So, I guess my point is you're not alone.

[Cub]

Thanks for that, Paul

I'm feeling a little better today although I woke up feeling very tearful and anxious. My anxiety just makes me cry a lot at the moment and I called my godmother in distress. After that, though, I had a shower and got dressed and went outside for some fresh air, brought a few things I needed. The weather is much nicer now and I've written some poetry and got a few things sorted.

I know, it's a horrible feeling, isn't it? I think a lot of people get jealous though, in all honesty. It's built into our bodies to be like that - the grass is always greener. But, you know, I've really struggled with that this year. I know what it's like to feel awkward in new situations and it can be even more awkward when no-one comes to talk to you. If it makes you feel better, I think most kids just want to live with their Mums on automatic - a UK celebrity over here shared the story of how her eldest son wanted to live with his dad after the divorce but after a couple of weeks, he called his Mum in tears because he wanted to be with her instead. I think it's just the way a child is wired. I love my dad, but I miss my Mum terribly after her death eight months ago. I don't know if that helps.

Morality and religion is hard, because while you don't want to be horrid, you don't want to be rigid either! It can be hard for me to make a choice and it's why I don't feel entirely comfortable in my own skin at the moment because I'm not sure what to do. Having said that, though, I don't think I have to make any big decisions right now. I think in terms of trust, I need to trust myself and trust my beliefs, in a way. If I believe in a God, I'll have faith that that God will guide me in the right direction to where I need to be.

Thanks for dropping by and for taking the time to respond.

C x

[gingerbreadgirl]

hi cub

I can identify so much with almost everything you've put here. It is tough but you are not alone. You come across as an absolutely wonderful person, kind and warm and caring. I really hope you manage to get past this somehow. hugs xxx

[Guest lauren415]

I'm struggling to love myself as well, Cub. The OCD really makes me feel worthless. But like gingerbreadgirl said you seem like an amazing person. As I'm sure we all are on this forum. But it's hard to tell yourself that when you can't get out of a negative state of thinking. I feel for you.

[taurean]

Its how the OCD affects us.

I have the most terrible harm thoughts sometimes - but I know it is OCD choosing that theme for me - I didn't and wouldn't wish it on a worst enemy.

In actuality, I get upset if I unwittingly step on a snail in the garden.

So when we get unwanted, and to us usually repulsive, intrusions images or whatever, OCD then hits a sucker punch - a double whammy - with its lies that we are bad etc. And with the collateral damage of distress and depression, our self-worth can hit the floor.

Yes, I am willing to bet that the majority of us may well be good honest citizens - contrary to the lies OCD peddles.

Since we are all in this together, all fellow travellers on the life raft with which OCD-UK has provided us through these terrific forums, we can hug each other console each other and determine to tackle it together.

:group:

Edited July 29, 2015 by taurean

[Guest PaulM]

As everyone said, Cub, you sound like a wonderful person and very caring. All good traits.

Regarding religion and morality, I think the very simplistic and general theme of religions is to be good to each other. I guess that's what I try to abide by. There are some who abuse their version for their own means, and some who genuinely feel they may be doing the right thing while oppressing another, but at the base of it all, the root of the message is being good and kind to one another. Whether or not someone chooses to believe in anything for that matter, being being kind, good, and empathetic to each other seem noble options.

I'm glad this thread is here. I'm struggling today with loving myself. And a newly broken heart does not help.

I agree with taurean. I'd bet the majority of us are likely pretty good people.

Edited July 29, 2015 by PaulM

[taurean]

As everyone said, Cub, you sound like a wonderful person and very caring. All good traits.

Regarding religion and morality, I think the very simplistic and general theme of religions is to be good to each other. I guess that's what I try to abide by. There are some who abuse their version for their own means, and some who genuinely feel they may be doing the right thing while oppressing another, but at the base of it all, the root of the message is being good and kind to one another. Whether or not someone chooses to believe in anything for that matter, being being kind, good, and empathetic to each other seem noble options.

I'm glad this thread is here. I'm struggling today with loving myself. And a newly broken heart does not help.

I agree with taurean. I'd bet the majority of us are likely pretty good people.

Probably odds-on Paul :original:

Edited July 29, 2015 by taurean

[Cub]

Thankyou, everybody. You are all lovely people. :hug:

[Cub]

Hi guys

Just want to come back and update, as well as thankyou properly for all your help and support.

I'm really struggling with the anxiety and frustration right now and feel that there are times in the day when I struggle so much. I feel, in some ways, better about myself, because over the last couple of days it feels like something has finally 'clicked' and I've realised the amount of pressure I've been putting myself under. But I'm so, so afraid.

I don't know why I feel like this; I just don't know how I feel about myself. I worry so much about being someone who I don't want to be. I want to be kind and loving but I keep second-guessing myself a lot right now and I'm trying to figure out what's right for me. I'm feeling really confused and disillusioned right now over religion; I believe in God, but is that enough? I don't want to be one of 'those' Christians who lacks empathy and is a bit of a busy-body; I don't want to judge others, but I'm so scared that I might become that person. I just can't settle in my own skin, because I keep analysing and second-guessing everything - why do I do this, why am I doing this? I've felt so anxious over the last couple of weeks and I feel so alone. I know I'm probably being very unkind to myself anyway and just really crave a break from all these bad feelings.

I know all I need to do is follow my conscience and be myself. I just keep wondering who I am, really and if I'm enough to show love and kindness, as well as maturity and compassion.

C x

[gingerbreadgirl]

I think you need to stop second guessing yourself at all - at least for now. Stop evaluating, stop assessing and analysing and chewing it over and going back and forth. Just leave it be. It doesn't mean you'll never be able to return to these questions, but for now they're not getting you anywhere. Just leave them alone, leave them be. xx

[Guest PaulM]

Hi Cub,

Analyzing and second guessing to the point that you are sounds like OCD at work.

Try to recognize any what ifs, intolerance of uncertainty, scrupulosity, etc., as the cognitive distortions they are. False messages.

I need to put those things into practice myself. This week has been dreadful.

[taurean]

Totally concur with these views.

What I read into the update post is the effect of doubt, fear of your OCD's character perception, and perfectionism - leading to anxiety and depression.

Breaking the connection with the meaning OCD gives these perceptions, and the compulsions, will likely heal your emotions.

Good luck with this

Roy xx

Edited July 30, 2015 by taurean

[Guest PaulM]

The scrupulosity thing is really hard. I recognize now that I struggled with that from a very young age.

I think in my case, as a product of the environment I grew up in, the expectations to be perfect because God writes down everything I do, etc., was/is terrifying. The concept of judgement ties into deeply held beliefs that I was brought up in.

But I suppose as I grew older and saw some things that didn't seem right, I wondered about those views. Living with that uncertainty was/is difficult, but I suppose like any of these OCD type things, we get used to it. Habituated is, I think, the right word.

[Guest Heryn!]

Hi Cub

How are you doing?

Do you go to a church at the moment? I ask only because I have found some really lovely friends through church. If you're anything like me, you won't want to be really stuck to one place, so it may be a case of 'suck it and see'. If you're in a big city, the cathedrals may have daily services; I'm sure you know that plenty are open during the day for prayer and visits to view the architecture, stained glass, etc.

Take care of yourself this weekend

Heryn

[Cub]

Hello all,

Thankyou so much for coming out in support; this means so much to me and has made me feel less lonely in my transitions this last week.

Regarding church, I've decided to take the plunge and check out some of the churches where I live here in Wales. I must confess to being pretty scared and I'm going to be brutally honest here - I'm scared about 'leaning back' in this and not giving it my all. But I've decided not to lose myself in the thinking; I love traditional churches, despite my modern beliefs, because I feel more secure and safe and it's not so full-on. I realise this is something I shouldn't do completely alone. I often worry about what will happen, but I won't know unless I find out. As I say, pretty Liberal, but I can be quite selfish, in some ways. I've always believed in God and the basic teachings of Christianity, but it's got to the point over the last few years where I've held organised religion at arms' reach. But, I don't want to be prejudiced against other Christians just because they think a little differently to me. I think I'd like to try and find somewhere secure where I can be myself, because once I stopped trying so hard, it was as though I felt closer to God again, if that makes sense - I got a sense of compassion and understanding, at the very least.

Thanks again, everyone - all your help and advice is much appreciated.

C x

[PolarBear]

I just can't settle in my own skin, because I keep analysing and second-guessing everything - why do I do this, why am I doing this?

There's your compulsions, right there. That's the root of your problem. You need to stop doing that analyzing and second guessing. No good will come of it. Stop trying to figure out how to be good. Leave it alone and live your life.

You've repeated many times on many threads that you have a problem with religion, not knowing whether you are good, good enough or even too good. Your problem is that you keep asking the question. Stop it.

[daisy]

Hi Cub,I'm sorry I haven't said anything sooner,its just I really haven't anything to say that will help you,but I really do feel for you and think you are such a kind and caring person,it is very early days yet after losing your mum so please don't be too hard on yourself.

Thinking of you, and wishing you all the best xx

[Cub]

Thankyou very much indeed for your suggestions and help.

I feel the depression is starting to lift. I've been doing more enjoyable things and socialising more; last night I went to an open-air cinema with my colleagues and had a good laugh. I've also discovered a good walk in the park near my house and it helps me feel better. I've also been focusing on mindfulness, although I still get a little anxious. However, I realise OCD is acting up and that's part of it, to make me overthink. So, I've been taking myself out of my head. I still feel a bit worried; I do have moments when I have questions. but maybe I should give myself a break and make sure I can relax every day, as it'll be good for me.

I do wonder about making more of my personal time when I'm not at work. I do still govern myself a bit and I have been looking out for a church. I do wonder about all that.

Something that bothers me is this: during my lifetime I've come up against two schools of thoughts. The fact is, life - as demonstrated today by the passing of Cilla Black at the mere age of 72 - is very short. I worry about this, because I want to live my life and I don't want to spend it worrying. I want to live a good life, but I also don't want to worry it away by analysing everything I do, although I do realise at the same time that I don't really know what's going to happen after I die - so should I be super-careful, or should I just live a little more and not worry so much, as long as I'm following my morals? It's like a quandry. It feels as though I've been holding on way too tight and I think I've experienced some magical thinking the same way. I guess I won't find out until I do - less thinking, more doing.

So yeah. But, I feel I'm doing better. I'm feel more rested and I'm getting out more and I want to do a bit of writing every day. The mindfulness is really helping, helping keep me in the moment and I'm realising that it's okay, I can be me. I think as you guys say, this is over-analysis. But I feel I'm getting back control a little and even though I'm still grieving, I'm feeling less alone and more loved. Writing poetry about how I'm feeling is also a help, as it brings me back to the moment and it's a great way of getting my thoughts down; I've found it helps me confront the less savoury parts of myself that I don't like.

So, yes. Thanks very much, everyone, for helping me through this difficult time and for being a support-base for me. You have all been very kind. I haven't had a vicious circle of ruminating for about three days.

C x

[Guest PaulM]

I'm glad you're feeling better Cub.

Less thinking, more doing - sounds like something I need to work on. Anxiety got the better of me on Saturday night. Far more than I thought. I had a pile of thoughts in a stressful situation and didn't want to risk making a fool of myself so I found out I'm quite skillful at hiding.