Hocd or more? (Merged threads)

[Guest Bazswin]

Hi all,

I need a little help with what I think is Hocd. This all started for me when I was very young, roughly about 9-10 years old, when I noticed I was doing a flick wrist type action which many people associate with gay (sorry for the stereotype). I stopped doing it as I worried it meant I was gay. I never thought anymore of this until I was about 14 when I saw an image of David Beckham on the TV in his underwear and I came over all hot and bothered and it made me uncomfortable. I thought that because I've felt that way it made me gay also. There were various other things like being left handed, the way I used to write etc...

I entered my first relationship at age 17 with a girl who I really liked, we had done sexual things and I enjoyed them a lot. We used to just kiss and I would achieve an erection! Before this though I had many crushes, all on women but none on men.

I began getting thoughts of "I'm gay" when I was about 18 and it crippled me (I'm 28 now). I got really depressed and split up with my partner at the time. I managed to find out about HOCD and it relieved the feelings for a while. In the meantime I had other obsessions, minor things like saying prayers at nighttime to make sure everyone was ok, if I didn't do it right or said it in the wrong order I'd have to start again. I had an obsession over my weight as well and exercises daily for a minimum of an hour otherwise I felt guilty.

Since all of this I have had several relationships all with women, I have two children and currently have a girlfriend. Lately (the last 6 months) I have been unable to shake these feelings and thoughts. I notice every good looking guy about and then get a feeling of heart pumping and getting hot and bothered. The worst things are seeing men half naked or completely nude and trying to figure out if I'm attracted to them! I must say that I can notice a good looking guy and appreciate his looks, but I'm unsure if this is attraction. I get scared as when I look at a good looking female, I don't get the physical feelings I do as mentioned before.

I have tried to accept that I'm gay, I've said many times in my head that I must be gay but for some reason I can't accept it. I've done a million and one bits of research on the internet but nothing helps now. I have been seeing a therapist about this and he said I have OCD, but I find myself doubting this as well.

I get mental images all the time when I see good looking guys and they are sexual, thinking if I would like it or not, I also have a complete lack of arousal and sex drive. If I do have a sex drive, I have sex with my partner, or if I masturbate, it's to hetro porn or lesbian stuff. Sorry for the in depth information there.

I don't fantasise over men and I have only ever had one dream which was sexual about men but it scared the **** out of me lol. 99.9% of the time if I dream sexually it's about women.

One thing that gets to me is that I look at ass and boobs and it doesn't make me feel anything, this worries me, along with the erection problems I've had before.

I can remember times that I have been horny as hell over a woman when we are first dating but then it dies off!

Sorry for the massively long post, I have been dealing with this for a long time now. I hope someone has some input and I apologise if anything I have said makes anyone anxious or uneasy.

[stopthinking]

The thought of being gay is what worries you , your noticing every man because your mind is hypervigilant to them looking out for any triggers ,you need to totally ignore it these are the compulsions which are driving the anxiety, I'm stuck myself at the moment so I know it's easier said than done but its easier to notice when it's another person just try and get on with your day as best you can and ignore the negative mind chattwrbox. All the best.

[stopthinking]

Chatterbox.

[Guest Bazswin]

Hi mate thanks for replying. My therapist said I'm hyper vigilant too but it's killing me now.

I can't even watch TV anymore, if I notice a girl who's good looking and I get no reaction in my body then I feel like I'm gay as I should be reacting. If I see a male who's good looking I get the heart pumping and hot feeling!

It makes it worse that my girlfriends cousin was married and had kids and then came out as gay, I keep thinking that's what I'm doing!

[stopthinking]

You have to trust it my friend iv had all this time ago the mind is super fast and manipulating what we have to remember is we are not our thoughts this is what we need to conquer. It knows how to get you and our automatic response is to question it this is where you need to create space and not to respond to the thought train and ignore all the bull what it's throwing at us like I said I'm in the middle of one myself but we need the strength to keep going your not alone mate hope this helps but please try and not respond it's all we have .

[Guest Bazswin]

Thank you mate, it kills me everyday feeling this way, maybe I need medication?

I am sorry to hear you're going through this too!

[gingerbreadgirl]

hi bazswin

This is a really common kind of OCD that we hear about a lot on the forum.

The feelings you describe strongly suggest you are suffering from OCD. Of course I can't say for sure (and even if I tried you would find doubt in what I say).

But the evidence strong - you have an obsession (being gay) which is unresolved despite years of analysing it (tell tale sign of OCD). You have several compulsions - mainly checking and ruminating from what I can gather. You have a physical response to males because the prospect of being attracted to them makes you (a) anxious (therefore hot, sweating, etc) and (b) hypervigilant of what your body is doing. When you see women you are hoping and praying to have a physical reaction - but putting yourself under that kind of pressure is bound to stifle any feelings of attraction.

So to me, this is a text book case of OCD.

But it doesn't matter what I think, it matters what you think and how you approach this. You've got two options - carry on trying to work it out as you have been doing for ten years, continuing to feel unhappy and tormented by this worry. Or, you can take a leap of faith and treat it like OCD - despite all the doubt and uncertainty you feel. Which would mean identifying ALL your compulsions and committing to addressing them, including ruminating and analysing the problem. It's not easy, but it can be done. good luck x

[Guest Bazswin]

Hi Ginger,

That was a really really well put message and I can't thank you enough, I have good times and bad times with this OCD, I'll try the things you've said and hope I can manage it better!

It's a struggle after ten years!

[Markie1974]

hi bazswin

This is a really common kind of OCD that we hear about a lot on the forum.

The feelings you describe strongly suggest you are suffering from OCD. Of course I can't say for sure (and even if I tried you would find doubt in what I say).

But the evidence strong - you have an obsession (being gay) which is unresolved despite years of analysing it (tell tale sign of OCD). You have several compulsions - mainly checking and ruminating from what I can gather. You have a physical response to males because the prospect of being attracted to them makes you (a) anxious (therefore hot, sweating, etc) and (b) hypervigilant of what your body is doing. When you see women you are hoping and praying to have a physical reaction - but putting yourself under that kind of pressure is bound to stifle any feelings of attraction.

So to me, this is a text book case of OCD.

But it doesn't matter what I think, it matters what you think and how you approach this. You've got two options - carry on trying to work it out as you have been doing for ten years, continuing to feel unhappy and tormented by this worry. Or, you can take a leap of faith and treat it like OCD - despite all the doubt and uncertainty you feel. Which would mean identifying ALL your compulsions and committing to addressing them, including ruminating and analysing the problem. It's not easy, but it can be done. good luck x

Great explanation ginger !!! I agree!

[Guest Bazswin]

I'm really not sure this is OCD now! I'm struggling to see how it even can be.

I seem to have no interest in sex or anything sexual with my partner at all. I have this constant battle in my head about this and it gives me headaches, I feel nauseous like I have a lump in my throat!

[PolarBear]

You are the umpteenth person to come on the forum, explain your situation, then promptly declare that it just can't be OCD. It's OCD. It's all OCD.

You are having obsessions (intrusive thoughts) about being gay. They lead to you performing compulsions. In the mix you feel terrible dread and doubt. Your mind goes so fast over this obsessions that you end up not knowing which way is up. This starts to affect you physically and mentally, which causes you problems in the sex department. That reinforces in your head that you must be gay. It's all a vicious circle and it's all everyday OCD.

Take a leap of faith that we know what we're talking about and start treating this as OCD. That means working on sorting out what your compulsions are and then working hard to stop doing them. Look into CBT.

[Guest Bazswin]

Thanks polar. I never meant to annoy anyone with my post although I can imagine that I am probably sounding like a broken record.

I'll take your advice on board and work to get this s*** under control.

[Guest Bazswin]

So, I try to just go with the flow and not care, then boom. I load up a random website and there's a half naked guy on it, to which I immediately find myself getting hot and bothered and then I start to feel down and the questioning in my head starts over.

What do I do?

[gingerbreadgirl]

Allow the feeling to be there, don't question it, don't give it the time of day - get busy doing something else.

Don't go down that road. Just leave it alone.

[Guest Bazswin]

Is this nornal OCD though Ginger? Or is it more?

Am I just covering up or trying to deny my real self?

[gingerbreadgirl]

Is this nornal OCD though Ginger? Or is it more?

Am I just covering up or trying to deny my real self?

You are looking for reassurance and certainty and it is a compulsion that will keep you stuck.

Unfortunately the hardest part of recovering from OCD is the fact that we have to live with crippling doubt and uncertainty.

To me, this looks like a textbook case of OCD. I strongly recommend you treat it as such. But you will never get that certainty you crave. The hardest thing about OCD is the fact that you have to treat it as OCD even though you're not certain that's what it is. Your brain is screaming at you to get to the truth - but the more you try, the further away the truth seems.

Everyone here (including me) knows what it is like to crave answers with every fibre of your being - but as soon as you stop fighting to get that, and instead treat the OCD despite the uncertainty, that's when you'll be on the road to recovery.

You are carrying out compulsions - you must find a way to stop them. They will never get you anywhere.

[Guest Bazswin]

I literally have no idea how to stop them and stop the feelings and thoughts though?

[gingerbreadgirl]

You don't try - don't try and stop them, just let them come. They don't deserve your attention. Focus on other things and let the thoughts be there, treat them like an annoying car alarm or something - you can't stop them but you don't have to let them occupy your attention. Eventually they will fade, but it takes time.

Edited August 4, 2015 by gingerbreadgirl

[Guest Bazswin]

I find myself avoiding TV programmes with good looking guys etc, what should I do with these?

[gingerbreadgirl]

Don't avoid things - just watch what you would have watched if you didn't have these worries. You'll be bombarded with anxiety but be prepared for it - just let the anxiety be there, an annoying car alarm, that's all. x

[Guest Bazswin]

Thanks ginger

[gingerbreadgirl]

no problem. good luck. you can do this x

[Guest Bazswin]

Hi Ginger,

I'm not asking for reassurance here or anything, just some advice.

How do I ignore the thoughts and feelings? Especially the fact that I compare every good looking guy I see to every good looking woman?

I read something that spiked me the other day which was "is it anxiety that you saw a good looking guy, or was it you noticed you liked him and then got anxious about your response".

Sorry to sound like a broken record but I want to know how to get this under control.

[stopthinking]

Hi I'm struggling myself at the moment the only way I can get it under control is to try and not get into a mental debate , it seems like your compulsing just don't buy into it , what your doing is looking for a way to drop your anxiety by ruminating , mentally don't answer any questions it's very hard but the only way out , good luck you can do it .

[gingerbreadgirl]

I compare every good looking guy I see to every good looking woman

This kind of thing is a compulsion - when you feel like doing this, you must be really firm with yourself and direct your attention somewhere else.