Has anyone else ever had this?

[Cub]

Hi everyone

Just wanted to drop in.

I have a very odd question for you all, which might seem strange but feels to me like it's been a compulsion, as though if I just had the answer and felt the 'right thing' everything would be okay.

Has anyone ever tried to make themselves feel something that they believe would be good for them, but then they try too hard to feel it and as a result they get horribly depressed? I've had this many times - I've tried to make myself feel things because I was afraid of what it would mean if I didn't, even though, if I think about it, it wouldn't mean anything really bad, it would just mean I'm doing things naturally.

I feel very ashamed of this and feel as though it's verged on addictive behaviour. It's not drugs or anything, nothing harmful, it's more to do with, well, sexuality. I've worried, over the years of reading grown-up stories (ahem) which can be a little difficult for someone like me. I'm not a Fifty Shades of Grey person, but as I've grown older I've never shied away from exploring my own romantic and sexual interests through the written word. I used to be a real goody-goody in this area (to the point where I actually became a bit rigid, after going from one extreme to the other). This is something I want to continue to explore, but in a way that's not too much. I know this isn't really something I can put in a box, because it's based on my feelings and I don't have to be perfect. I just became very scared that my religion would take over and I would become a horribly judgemental person and would be 'Sex is bad!' etc. I was raised by two parents and a grandmother who taught me that it's the heart that matters and it's okay to be a bit naughty (and for those of us with OCD, I think it's actually encouraged for the sake of our health!) I guess I feel more self-conscious about this than I used to be, because my Mum and Nan aren't around anymore for me to have these conversations with, because I always came away feeling a bit better.. I feel a bit embarrassed about having them with my godmother and although I can talk about it with my sister-in-laws, and have in the past, my Mum and Nan were, like me, religious, so... *shrugs* It's a little awkward.

Sorry if this embarrasses anyone. I know the God I believe in loves me very much and I believe we're not meant to be ashamed of our sense of sexuality and we should do what feels right as long as no-one gets hurt - apologies, getting into soapbox territory. I just don't want to be worrying about this all my life, because I've worried about this a lot already.

C x

Edited July 29, 2015 by Cub

[taurean]

Well as you are probably thinking, its become an obsession built around a fear. In fact, it's just another flavour of OCD gravy on the meat.

And, in OCD, you may be aware we often develop rigidity in our thinking - srupulosity - spurred on by the OCD.

I think you should put this down to the old enemy OCD and treat it in the usual way - don't engage with it, don't try to neutralise it, remind yourself - as you have been - that it is overturning a core value.

[Cub]

Hi taurean

Thanks for the reply. I know, it's an odd one, but cheers for tackling it at any rate. I think it's partly obsession, partly fear. I do feel a sense of scruples and rigidity - this is something that my psychologist brought up four years ago and which I've often kept in mind. I'll try not to engage or make it go away; I'll just keep trying.

Thanks again,

C x

[taurean]

Hi taurean

Thanks for the reply. I know, it's an odd one, but cheers for tackling it at any rate. I think it's partly obsession, partly fear. I do feel a sense of scruples and rigidity - this is something that my psychologist brought up four years ago and which I've often kept in mind. I'll try not to engage or make it go away; I'll just keep trying.

Thanks again,

C x

There are no borders to the obsessions we can dream up cub - they are limitless really.

Just let go and don't feel you are bad - classic OCD playing up.

Roy