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Problems with possible ROCD (long post)


Guest inventor

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Guest inventor

Back in about mid April a woman from a dating website messaged me, we dated for about 2 weeks altogether. She was paralzyed from the neck down. I was hesitant because (I know I'm jumping ahead) I was always afraid of taking of a care disabled partner. It just always sacred me for some reason. Anyway despite being hesitant I said hello, and we began chatting. We really got along, and I decided to contuine talking to her.

Also I told a friend about this my fear of taking care of a disabled partner shortly after she message me, and she (my friend) really made me feel bad. I won't repeat what was said, but it was upsetting. And I think made my anxiety about it worse.

We then moved onto talking on the phone, she lived across the state from me, so we never meet in person, anyway we both fell for each other really fast. While I liked her, I began to feel smothered, she didn't like when I couldn't respond to her texts right away, and that caused me a lot of anxiety. Always checking my phone, afraid I may have missed a text, and she would get mad at me etc. She however had great qualities, she was sweet, funny, and smart. I did tell her though I wanted to take it slow. I have never really dated, and I wanted to take it slow. She agreed. But she didn't really uphold it. I think we both let our feelings for each other control things, and it moved so fast. I should have mentioned it again, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings. So I let her control things. I kind of let her control the relationship I guess. She's very strong willed, which I admire, but it can also be tough. I'm for the most part laid back, and passive.

During one of our late night talks I told her I was scared with the whole disability thing to her, that I never knew someone who had been paralyzed, and we talked about it, she was understanding, and I felt better. I was glad this was no longer hidden, and I was honest to her. It was however still in the back of my mind, and then I couldn't stop obsessing about it. I would get panic attacks thinking about it. "Would I be able to take care of her, or will I just end up leaving, and hurting her. How could I do that to someone, what kind of person am I, I wouldn't want someone to do that to me", and I would have these horrible thoughts about possibly hurting her which would cause me so much grief.

I had decided to face my fear, and look at Internet forums about people who take care of their disabled partner. I really didn't find anything positive, and a lot wanted to leave their partner which made my anxiety, and thoughts even worse. And also the incredible guilt I had so much guilt that caused me so much stress, and the negative thoughts about her disability gave me panic attacks.

Still though I pushed on, we had good times, but my obsessive thoughts, and anxiety began to really weigh on me. I felt shallow, cruel, and a bad person. I know I'm not very attractive, and have insecurities about things, and if someone broke up with me over them I'd feel horrible. How I could I have these thoughts about her disability. Why would I think those things?

Then as things went on I really missed being alone. I didn't know how to ask to her to give me some space, without it sounding bad, so I just kind of buried that feeling, but it just Built up, and up.

I had tried to tell her I was afraid of hurting her, but she just didn't really understand, and I'm not the best at communicating.

Eventually things boiled over. I was on my way out of my apartment when I saw my bottle lexapro on the counter, and I thought to myself "how could I have a relationship with someone? I can't take care of someone, especally someone who needs physical care, I can barely take care of myself, I get so stressed over the stupidest things how I could I take care of her? How could I take care of anyone emotionally or in any shape or form"? I had begun to think about my mistakes in the past, and felt very guilty. She was too good for me. She deserved someone better. Someone who could find more then part time work, and was ****** up like me.

Later on I texted, and spoke to her. She was getting ready for the next day, her mother was getting married tomorrow, and we talked about that.

I had tried to make the conversation light hearted, but she then said "guess what? I had been getting messages from guys on the dating website, and I told them I was dating someone now"

this really set off my anxiety somehow, and I decided to look for reassurance from her, I asked "are you sure? Do you think I can make you happy?"

What she said I wasn't expecting. She said I'm never happy. Which I can't disagree with, I'm only happy with hen I'm unhappy, but I was expecting, and hoping for her to respond with something encouraging. Everything just devolved into an argument.

I ended up telling her I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. She said "I could of told you that".

An hour later she texted me "I dated a guy in a mental hospital before, and he loved me"

I didn't know what to say, so I just repeated i don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I broke up with her the day before her mother's wedding, it's not like any of this was planned, but I felt so bad. I felt bad no matter what. Weeding or no weeding. Afterwards I had the thought "well at least I don't have to think about taking care of her" I felt so guilty, idk why I have those horrible thoughts. I hate myself

A month later she texted me, asking if I missed her. I told her yes, but it's complicated. My sister is going through a lot of health problems herself, and my depression has gotten very bad. She just texted ok. I said I'm sorry, and that was that. I just wanted to retreat, I couldn't handle any stress, and just pushed her away.

Not day goes by I don't think about her. I feel very guilty, and obsess over why we broke up. Was because I didn't want to possibly take care of a disabled partner? My head tells me yes, and then I feel depressed, and panicking.

I have thought about suicide numerous times. I have thought about maybe talking to her again, but I don't want to hurt her. I feel like I've done enough already to her, and she's so special I just want her to be happy. But then again I miss her, however at the sametime I can't commit to people, value my free time, and I even have a hard time keeping contact with family even though I love them. I do this with my sister, I miss her, then I hang out with her, and 20 mins into it I want to be alone. So while I can miss her, and even care for her, what if she forgives me, we get back together, but I just want to retreat? That would be cruel.

I got diagnosed with an ulcer in my throat, my dr told me it was from stress, everything, and I mean everything has gone down after we broke up. I lost my job, my sister got a tumor, I got an ulcer, there's more, but this is already a long post. The only way I have been able to cope is with alcohol. I had to take a drink in the morning when I woke up, and it was the only way I could sleep. Well since I lost my job I have no money, and now I can't buy alcohol. So now I can't sleep, I only think about her, I obsess over why we broke up, I obsess over my guilt. I don't want to go outside, I don't want to be around people. I don't think I want to get back together with her, I couldn't handle the stress, the thoughts, the doubt, "what are my real desires", the confusion of it all etc. I just want to go into a hole, and die.

I know I'm a horrible person, but I just needed to talk. Sorry this was so long.

Edited by inventor
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Hi inventor

It doesn't seem like you are having too good a time right now. I can understand the horrible feeling of constant guilt, it can be totally disarming.

From what you have said, you seem like a good person who doesn't deserve to be beating themselves up over this. If I had been in your shoes I doubt I would have handled the situation as well as you. You gave the relationship a chance, which I hate to say is probably more than other people may do on hearing someone is so severely disabled due to the level of care that person would need. The fact that you feel guilty just proves even more that you really are a good person. As unfortunate timing as it was for things to come to an end before her mother's wedding, sometimes these things just happen, it isn't like you set out that night with the intention of ending things, they just escalated to that point.

I know it is easier said than done, but you need to let the guilt go. The way I have done this is if I start thinking about something negative that will spike my guilt, as soon as I get that initial thought I don't try and ignore it, I just sit with it and think 'so what', however I try and stop myself elaborating any further on that initial thought, by focusing on what I am doing at that moment. This stops me going down a dark path of arguing with myself and going over things in my head, so it may work for you.

I hope you feel better.

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Guest inventor

Thank you.

I don't think it was her condition. I think my anxiety, and OCD turned what was just a thought, and turned into a huge gigantic thing when I should of just enjoyed the moment with her, and enjoy out time together. I still feel so bad, I feel I broke her heart. I still wonder if I should contact her, or maybe I should leave her alone. I'm too afraid I'd hurt her again

Edited by inventor
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That's a really sad story. :( As sim has said, you shouldn't be beating yourself up over this. You gave it a chance, you tried your best, and in the end, the relationship didn't work out. There's no need to feel guilty for that. You mentioned in your post that you are/were taking lexapro - has that helped you at all? Other than that, have you been recieving any treatment for your OCD? You're correct, it did turn what was just a thought into an entire obsession, but that's what OCD does. It's okay, we just have to go from here. :group:

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Guest inventor

I don't think being friends would work. She's controlling, and can be bossy (which I think we're the actual reasons for the break up) she's not the type to just be friends I don't think. Maybe I'm wrong, idk. I get worried what my desires, and intentions are. Sometimes I feel I want things, but then once I get them I no longer what them. Like when I got a relationship all I could think about was how nice it was when I was single, and had so much freedom. So I wonder if it's best to just be alone for now.

I'm not in therapy. All the therapists I've been too have not been very kind, and I have enough medical bills right now. The lexapro works kind of ok, but not much. Xanax is the only drug that calms me down, but the Drs don't want to prescribe it any more since it can be addicting.

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