Dealing with religious OCD - and life in general!

[Cub]

Hello everyone

How are we all doing?

Wanted to write in to report on progress. The good news is I've managed to stop ruminating for the most part during the day and am more focused on what I'm doing. I've had a lot of strange obsessions recently; I think it's been part of a frankly quite ridiculous quest for happiness; wanting to make sure everything's okay. Ever since I grew older things got complicated and I've struggled with my faith, which has proved upsetting; I'm wondering if it means as much to me now as much as it did then. The only difference is that I became older and wiser; someone told me yesterday that I love to learn, which I do, very much. I guess what I'm doing is learning the course.

The trouble is, I get triggered so easily by religious posts and people because I wonder if I'm trying hard enough in this life to be a good person. I think I've often been falling to compulsive praying because it's a desperate attempt to remain close to God. I've been doing my best to stop that, but the truth is this: I get guilty very easily. One of my big struggles has been *sigh* romantic and sexual identity, in comparison with my religion. I don't want to displease God, but I'm scared I might be, particularly in the world of fanfiction. I don't go for pornography, but I do love a love-story and still love reading... certain material; nothing heavy or harmful in any way, but - well - you know. Adult. This has been something I've struggled with for years, even though I realise there are far worse things. I don't want to be a prude or self-righteous, but I just can't help but feel guilty. This is hard for me to admit to (and a little embarrassing) and I always do my best to stick to the fanfiction that's appropriate; romantic rather than sexual - and have read some truly beautiful stories along the way that have helped me feel the compassion of God - but I just get mixed up very easily and wonder if I could do better. This brought up other fears over the last few years of being prudish and prejudiced, for example, because I was scared that if I went to the other extreme, that's what I would be. I'm no fundamentalist and I know that fundamentalist Christians tend to have different ideas and more self-control. I just can't help but compare myself to people like that: could I do better? But I do realise this is my spiritual journey, no-one else's. I just feel so alone right now and hate to think I'm apart from God. That's why I keep desperately praying, I think, in the hope that I'll be heard and can feel better.

I hate worrying about this four years down the line; I realise that all pleasures come with responsibility and I want to maintain that responsibility. Neither can I be rigid. I just tend to feel guilty very easily, particularly after reading the words of a fundamentalist. Who am I, as a person? It all just gets mixed-up. I know I'm learning the world, but it's hard when people are telling you we only have a short time on Earth, because what happens after we die? I don't want to let my God down again because I feel I have, in the past and I don't want to be selfish and silly when it comes to my personal desires, but I don't want to harm or deprive myself either. I know the trick is not to be so hard on myself, but it's hard to find a balance. All this makes me miss my Mum more, because I could talk to her about these things - her being an open-minded Catholic and of course the person whom I could tell anything and everything - and it makes me feel lonely and wish that I had a friend to confide in here, in a place where I feel I lack a support network. I think, though, I fall into the trap of wanting constant reassurance about this and have had to stop myself previously from seeking people out to ask their opinion, because that's just pretty worrying on its own. In the end, it's ultimately my call and between me and God. I just want to be sensible.

Apologies if this offends anyone - just really wanted to get that out, as this worry has been hurting me and making me cry. If it's repetitive in anyway, sorry again.

C x

[PolarBear]

Your posts all have the same theme. Maybe you can't see it. You feel you have failed God so you try even harder to do the right thing. That doesn't work, you feel like you're letting God down so you try even harder. See the pattern? You keep trying your darndest but it's not working. You're no close today to happiness then you were six months ago. All that compulsive praying has done nothing.

So given that is true, what do you think you should do differently?

[Guest Heryn!]

Polar is right.

There's no pressure, Cub. At least not from God. Enjoy your time off if you haven't already.

Edited August 25, 2015 by Heryn!

[Cub]

Hi Polar

I know, *headdesk headdesk headdesk* It's the same old rubbish.

Right now? I'm thinking I need to give myself a break and just try and do things naturally. Sorry to be so whiny.

C x

[PolarBear]

Look. If trying harder and harder isn't working, then try less. Give yourself a break. Take yourself off the pedestal and just live. Take the pressure away.

[Cub]

*salutes* I'll try. I think it's time to scale back. Thankyou for reading - honestly, I'm as sick as feeling like this as you guys probably are of reading these posts. Thanks for reading, though. It's possible I've come over a bit 'needy' - I just want to be okay, but I think I need to live a little more. Improvements have been made, so that's good.

Thankyou also to you, Heryn. As you both were.

Apologies if this offended anyone. I think it's time to accept that perfection is out of reach.

C x

[bruces]

I wouldn't worry about god,whats he done for you??

[Cub]

If you don't mind, everyone, I'd like to add to this post as I feel I could really use some guidance. I hope this doesn't upset or trigger anyone. It feels linked to my OCD, so if it's okay, I would like to discuss it and would welcome others' opinions.

Right now, even though I'm trying not to be hard to myself and am being easier, I'm concerned that I might have lost my sense of self and confidence. The truth is, I don't feel very close to God right now and feel as though that bond is far away. I don't know if He's anywhere nearby and am starting to have doubts about whether He really exists because it's hard to feel a close connection as of late when I pray, which is why I pray more to try and feel it. I don't know how I feel and wonder if I need to make those steps - is something I'm doing seperating us?

The other thing that worries me is that I am getting increasingly tempted, day by day, by things I know for a fact that are bad for me and even though I keep saying 'No' I'm scared that my conscience will, eventually, just give in and I won't be the person I was. While I believe we mustn't restrict ourselves or be rigid, I do believe in 'happy limits'; finding contentment with what we have and knowing we don't have to have it all, which is something I would do well to remember. I'm sorry if that sounds preachy at all. I just don't want to be horrid. I realise for a fact that nobody is perfect, but I even doubt whether God even loves me anymore, or wants anything to do with me, if I'm absolutely worthless and not cut out to be a Christian, because of things I've thought and said, because of bad moments I've had in the past. I used to feel quite close to the God I believed in and was probably a bit strict with myself when it came to religion. I don't want to make excuses or do bad things but the truth is, spiritually I feel very lonely and it's worse with the OCD and the obsessive guilt over thoughts past, even though I know our thoughts are not ourselves. I know you're supposed to enjoy religion and it's meant to be a source of comfort but right now I don't know what I believe in and it's a struggle. I think I can feel quite envious of Christians who feel close to God and who seem happy with their lot and who know what to do; I think I became rather self-defensive along the way and became quite quietly hostile towards the church and other, more devout Christians who are different to myself. I know that sounds awful and I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm trying, now, to understand and listen to other people's opinions - which is where my brother, with his balanced and fair views as an agnostic, comes in. I now want to be more like him in terms of understanding and being open-minded. I'm sorry to sound so unkind - it's no-one else's fault I struggle. I think, with my OCD, I just had some bad experiences because I couldn't fit into my church.

I just want to do my best to be my best, but I'm so worried that I'm not the person I was and I've trod away from the path I'm supposed to tread. I just don't want to think 'What the hell' and do bad things. Equally, though, I'm scared to get more involved in church because A) I'm worried I'll get too preachy, as I know some Christians to be, which I know first-hand is annoying as heck and B) I'm scared it'll activate my OCD and I'll get rigid and it'll start all over again. I want to do my best to be good in my beliefs, but I also want to be a good person who shows compassion and love to others.

I'm sorry if this is off-topic, but it's all these that are keeping my OCD going and I felt a little unsafe, as I was scared I was going to go over the edge and do something bad. Can you help me to make sure that doesn't happen?

C x

[Guest Liz whiz]

I just want to say I know how you feel.

I'm also Christian ( and very conscious about talking about it, as I don't want to seem 'preachy' either!)

I have heard stories from people saying they have really felt Gods presence when they have been at their lowest and needed him most. I have felt over the past few months that I have needed his help but don't feel I have really been getting it. However, I realise now that I haven't been doing much to help myself.

I have decided for a while not to pray, not about myself anyway. I feel a bit hollow when I have been praying over the last few months. That's not to say I don't believe in God, I do, but I think I need to help myself for a while instead of just praying that the horribleness will go away.

I would give yourself a break. Maybe don't pray for a while and just focus on yourself. Of course God loves you, even if you don't feel it now - he is still with you every step.

Someone once told me that it's times like these which make our faith stronger. If we never have any doubts about it, then we really don't have much faith at all.

[Cub]

Liz, thankyou so, so much for this. It means a lot. It feels as though I've got something right by admitting this and it's really reassuring to know that someone else feels the same away I do. I too have been feeling hollow, and I've just been asking God to take the bad stuff away, but I feel I need to help myself as well. So, I will do what you've instructed and give myself a break. Thankyou so much. :hug:

C x

[PolarBear]

The first thing you need to do is stop apologizing for having OCD and for having doubts. You do it every time. You apologize before you've even said anything. Look, it's not your fault you have OCD. It's not your fault that your brain is filled with thoughts you don't want and that you feel compelled to do things over and over again. It's not your fault, but you can help yourself. No god is going to take away your suffering, especially when it can get better. You were put here to stand on your own two feet and though it may seem callous, that's what you have to do.

It seems like the more you try to get close to god the more problems come up. Maybe it's time to try a different path, where you stop pushing it and praying for it, take care of yourself, really hunker down and work on overcoming your OCD, and let that connection you seek develop naturally.

[Guest Liz whiz]

Glad I can help in some way. I'm sure God would want us to be kind to ourselves, although it can be hard to for us to believe sometimes.

[Cub]

Thankyou, Polar Bear and Liz. Realised I haven't replied, so I'll do so now.

I'm sorry to be such an utter whinger, I know I've been stuck in place for the last two and a half years. I wish I could stop feeling so anxious and empty. It just feels likely at the moment that I'll never get better and I'll never be completely happy. I know having OCD isn't my fault as you say, PB, but in this case it feels like it is my fault because some of the thoughts I've worried about were actually not intrusive; I let myself have them. Hence my ever-persistent worry; it never goes away because no matter how much I try, I'm always thinking 'What if there's something else I could do to make this better' and so compulsively checking and praying for guidance. Which is stupid I know. I know I can only try but I can't take off that pressure; I want to but I just don't know how and even when I reach a place where I think I'll be okay, the cycle starts all over again because I'm made to feel as though I haven't done enough to make things right in response to the thoughts that are bothering me, even though they're thoughts I had years ago when I was a student and so should have no bearing on now. But I guess I feel they do, because they were 'promise' thoughts and so I feel they should count for something and if I should try harder to try and do my best to be a better person. I know our thoughts are just thoughts and they don't count for anything but it's like I've forgotten that they're thoughts and feel that they're more and so I should try harder. I just feel as though my head hurts with the guilt and I want it to stop. I feel like such a failure. I'm mentally exhausted; I'm never happy on a day to day basis and so I try and make myself happy, but it never lasts - no matter what I do or where I go that sadness creeps in, even if I make an extra-special effort to make myself happy. I wish I didn't feel so tired. I hate feeling so bad; I guess it is obsessive guilt, of a kind. Part of depression is guilt from the past and so it is with me. I just don't know how to stop worrying or if anyone will be able to help me. I feel utterly screwed up and it doesn't take much to make me feel bad. I don't know if it's coming off the Prozac entirely that's left me feeling bad, but I didn't want to be on it anymore.

These days I'm more scatter-brained and I can't stay still; I can't seem to settle to anything and I'm just on edge all the time. Those fight or flight responses hit me so often and I get triggered so often. I can't get on doing the things I love and often feel numb. I'd like to talk to someone about my feelings, like Samaritans, but I've called them so many times before and I can't do it again, because it feels as though I'd be taking up the line when someone really needs their help. Plus, I don't want to be calling them for reassurance, obviously.

I've contacted the Mind charity in order to see if they can put me in touch with people in Cardiff. I'm going to go out to the gym in a bit, because I was originally going to watch a film in bed on my day off, but I really ought to get up and start moving around.

Thankyou for your help - I know I sound messed-up and am sorry to be so whiny.

C x

[Guest Liz whiz]

Hi

First off you don't sound whiny.

I know exactly how you feel at the moment. I'm not obsessing about past thoughts but past horrid habits I have had. They didn't bother me for a few years but have cropped up and have bothered me badly for a few months.

Just a few months ago my confidence was up but now I have a tainted view of myself and really don't like myself. I'm trying harder to work on this, but really, I know how you feel - I even turned down an internship I was really looking forward to abroad because I couldn't face going like this.

I don't know if this suggestion will help but 3 years ago when I was in a really bad place - a different ocd theme - once I started to feel a bit better I decided to choose something to focus on. Lots of different things crossed my mind like training for a marathon (but I'm an awful runner!) instead I decided to climb Kilimanjaro for to raise money for Mind - I knew somebody who had just done it and it sounded cool! In a moment of madness I booked it and then had a year to train. Focusing on training did me a lot of good as did raising money - I think doing it for Mind helped me accept that I had a mental health problem, as do a lot of people, and that it is not our fault.

Maybe if you chose a challenge or something that might help?

I know I'm again not in a great place so probably not the best person to give advice, but I'm hoping it will get better as I hope it will for you too.

X

[Cub]

Wow, Liz, what a fantastic thing you did! :clap: Brilliant stuff, congratulations.

I think one thing I could do is go to the gym at least once a week; I went today and it made me feel better. I need to lose some weight in the run-up to Christmas and want to do that now, so that's something I could focus on. I've also been working on a script for an upcoming contest, though I want to stop playing with it, buckle down and take it seriously. At least I'm writing again, so that's good and I'm pleased with that. I'm getting ideas and being less hard on myself.

I'm so sorry you've been so affected by your OCD. It's been the same theme with me, over and over again; this fear of committing an unforgivable sin and blaming myself for my previous thoughts, because I'm not treating them as thoughts; rather something more serious. It just feels like it's all got a bit ridiculous. I'm just a natural-born worrier and can't stop worrying, which is very upsetting. I haven't liked myself for a long time, although am trying to hold on; I like you, if it's any consolation! You're really kind.

Hugs for you, Liz. I know, I need to hold on; I think I'm so focused on one thing it feels like I've forgotten everything else. It feels as though my mind can get confused very easily right now. I just want to feel better and enjoy my life. I hope you can keep getting better too.

C x

[Guest Liz whiz]

That's great cub. I'm thinking of joining the gym too, in order to get out more. At the moment I'm just working and going home, taking the dog out but other than that not doing much! Though I feel exhausted!

My mum has always said I was a worrier from day one too, and always been very sensitive.

I'm not much help I know, but just know I feel the same at the moment and I have faith we can get better

Xx

[Guest Liz whiz]

Oh and I went back on fluoxetine a couple of months ago. I think it's helping a bit.

I know you don't like the idea of going back on them, but if you had no bad side effects maybe you could think about a low dose?

[Cub]

Hi Liz

Aw, you have a dog? Awesome! What breed. I want to have a dog - it's something I'm holding onto for the future; a creature to take care of and who might help me feel better.

I'm working on a script at the moment and I'm actually really enjoying it. It's taking me out of my head and making me feel a little more normal. The gym was great; it helped me shake off the worries, as I can get very mixed up in my own head, which is upsetting.

I will think about the Prozac; I'd just really rather not. I want to do this on my own like I used to be able to. I want to do my best.

You're being a tremendous help, thankyou. It's reassuring to know that others feel similar to myself.

C x

[Guest Liz whiz]

He's a mad labradoodle, but he's great and really helps me

It's great that you enjoy writing - never been something I've been good at! I think I'll give the gym a go though I think, might be good to get me out the house!

It's really helpful for me as well, jus to have people to talk to who know what it's like. My family are great, but it's difficult to talk with them about this.

X

[Cub]

Gaw, that's sweet.

I have been giving myself a break with various hobbies and today I've really felt a difference. I've struggled so long with the obsessions but today, as I wasn't thinking about it, it feels as though something has shifted; I'm not worrying 'what if what if what if' anymore and have been quite calm. I'm a little worried though; I tend to be pretty analytical of my feelings at any given time and am feeling quite tired. In any case, I've been giving myself a break. I'm not sure what'll happen next. It feels a bit odd.

It is helpful to have people to talk to about this; thankyou for that. I'm keeping your advice in mind.

C x

[Guest Liz whiz]

So glad you're feeling a bit better

I agree - when I'm calm I tend to start to worry about being calm, because it does feel odd!

[Cub]

Thanks, Liz.

Just going to go steady. I think I'm a bit overwrought and overwhelmed. My head doesn't feel stuffed with stiff panic anymore - that feeling you get when you can't quite relax and you're not sure why - but I think my head is draining of the stress-chemicals. I feel very ashamed; I was beating myself up all morning because I felt guilty for what I'd pushed myself to, for what I'd done to myself and for wanting to worry all the time. I became quite analytical of my thoughts and feelings and wondered if I was just a little too messed-up for my own good. But after writing down my feelings over lunch-break, I felt a bit better. I guess I have been pushing myself. I just want to do what I can now - I'm just scared of doing something or saying something bad that'll make things worse again. Just need to focus.

C x