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Is this part of my OCD?


Guest fear_will_lose

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Guest fear_will_lose

Hi everyone,

I've just made this account but I've had OCD for quite a while. I'm 19 but I've been experiencing OCD since I was a really little girl which mostly revolve around disturbing intrusive thoughts/images. I had CBT/ERP which a OCD specialist who was amazing and even though I've had up and down moments with my OCD since, I got a lot better than I was previously. There's something I've been experiencing which I'm not sure is part of my OCD and wanted some input on it so thanks in advance.

The intrusive thoughts always made me feel guilty, that was a given but sometimes I feel like I am truly evil. It's not a physical thing, I know I haven't done anything to warrant feeling this way but I feel like there's just something evil inside me. This has gotten really bad before and I have thought that I was worse than the devil but I don't see it as irrational, in the times when I feel like that, I believe it whole heartedly that I'm pure evil.

When I felt like this it was usually triggered by the intrusive thoughts but even when the intrusive thoughts settled this feeling lingered. I remember there's been times when if a small child looked at me too long I'd get scared that they could sense the 'bad' inside me and that's why or think that someone wasn't acting as friendly towards me and it was because they could sense it or see something in my head too which sounds stupid, I know.

Does this sound just like an extensive of how the OCD made me feel?

The reason I ask is because I finished the CBT a while ago but recently I've been receiving treatment from a Clinical Psychologist for some other emotional issues and I don't speak to them about the OCD because most of the time I can handle that myself these days and plus they don't have much experience with OCD or intrusive thoughts and tend to reassure me. So if this was part of the OCD, I'd be hesitate to bring it up to them but if it's part of another problem then I would and I'm not sure what to do for the best.

I was just wondering if anyone else has had similar thoughts or in anyone had any input?

I hope this doesn't sound too strange and sorry for the lengthy post.

Thanks

:)

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You're looking for reassurance, which also doesn't help as much as it seems to do. You just need to ignore it and move on, ignore the lingering feelings and get on with it. I don't think it unwise to talk about your OCD to you psychologist even if you're dealing with it on your own. The better they know you and your state of mind means they are better placed to help you.

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I don't know if you're looking for reassurance or not, but it does seem like you have an obsession with being evil without any evidence whatsoever. That sure sounds like OCD to me. What compulsions are you doing to counter this feeling?

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Guest fear_will_lose

Thanks for your replies :)

I wasn't looking for reassurance that I wasn't evil or looking for reassurance that this is OCD as my fear doesn't revolve around whether this is OCD or 'real', I just wasn't sure if it was OCD because I couldn't identify a compulsion and it seemed a little different.

Originally, it was very much like OCD as I would ruminate about it and try to convince myself I wasn't evil but when my OCD subsided a little, it wasn't like intrusive thoughts and I stopped ruminating about it, I just felt that way so I wasn't sure whether it was OCD or not.

The reason I'm hesitate to bring it up with my Psychologist if it is OCD is because I know they'll just reassure me which, if it was OCD, wouldn't help as they don't have much experience with intrusive thoughts and have reassured me in the past :)

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