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Should I know better?


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I have been struggling to get out from under my OCD for a few months now. What is most challenging about this is that I thought I had it all figured out. I was consumed by a single but potent harm obsession for more than a year, but once I vowed to move toward the obsession and embrace it, I started to get better. After going off the Paroxetine this spring, I fell into a deep depression. Now that has cleared (back on the meds) but my OCD is every bit as powerful as before. I've read lots of books, been to conferences, been on this forum, and even felt better for maybe two years (with a few short periods of OCD during that time). I just started seeing my old CBT person again and we are trying to have me move toward the obsession as I did before but it's really hard to want to do this.

Why am I unable to recover when I theoretically know so much about how to treat OCD? I am feeling like a loser today, despite how unhelpful I realize this is.

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I almost feel exactly the same maybe subconsciously we are dwelling on the anxiety and I'm really frustrated at such a set back and the fact iv created and I made the obsessions a lot worse, I totally understand you on this. I feel hopeless at the moment as if I'm never gonna get back to living a moderately happy lifestyle, the guilt and anxiety is so hard to live in with and its a daily battle rite now , you help so many on here with your knowledge and advice so hang in there my friend , we have hope .

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What you're experiencing is common, Sodovka. It takes courage and inner resolve for anybody to face a challenge they thought they'd already conquered. Imagine if you'd just come down from Everest and realised you'd left something essential at the summit - you'd be pretty resistant to the idea of climbing straight back up there, wouldn't you?

Depression is exhausting and drains your mental reserves. Even though you're recovering on the meds it may be a while before your batteries are fully recharged to the point you feel able to embrace the OCD challenge head on again. That doesn't make you a failure and it doesn't mean you won't get there. If knowing the theory was all there was to it we'd all be cured!

My OCD often suffers setbacks and I have to pick myself up and start over to regain the ground I've lost. I've learned not to feel bad about it if I need a break from full-on trying now and then. If you know in your heart you're not a lazy person, then you can be sure you're doing your best and that you'll get there just as soon as your mind and body are able. Give yourself a little more time and don't stress about it. :)

ps. I like your avatar picture. 'Courage this way!'

Edited by snowbear
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*hugs* I know, I get it, SB. There's the rational side and then there's the OCD side, going what if, what if, what if. Something I've been struggled with for years. So yes, I do understand.

I think the fact that you're addressing this is brilliant stuff. I did have a period of strength, when I thought about what my old psychologist would say and then it changed, because I felt so bad about myself and I worried even he would be disgusted by me. I have considered going for CBT for the third time in seven years - even if it wasn't for the OCD, it would be nice to treat them there suicidal thoughts I get. :p I don't think it's ever a bad thing to keep an eye out for help. Moving toward the obsession is great; it's like you're saying, 'Oh, you were saying... Go on, do please continue,' and the obsession trips up. Rather like facing the fears and realising we're still breathing. And isn't that brilliant? I know it can be hard. :) You, however, are doing fabulously.

C x

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Why am I unable to recover when I theoretically know so much about how to treat OCD? I am feeling like a loser today, despite how unhelpful I realize this is.

That's the Million Dollar question, isn't it :crybaby:

I'm unsure why some seem to resolve their OCD entirely and for others they do well, have good insight and yet it remains a relaxing and remitting condition.

In those circumstances all we can do is to re-implement what we've done before and get it back in remission. Sending you a :hug: I know how demoralising and disappointing it is....but you'll get there again.

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Guest Liz whiz

I'm sorry you're going through a bad time. I'm frustrated with myself at the moment too.

I just want you to know you have helped me with your knowledge and responses :)

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Yes, you can do it again, you sound like a person who has a lot of inner strength. Your knowledge, advice and support has been very helpful to me. To be able to say something that can help someone else in their life makes you special.

Take care

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Hey Sodokova,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Be kind to yourself. You've accomplished so much by tackling your OCD so far, don't worry too much about having a setback.

Should you know better? Maybe. Maybe all of us should! Lots of people here know lots about OCD, can see some of their thoughts for what they are -- and still they (myself included!) come back here, questioning everything, looking for advice. It's really hard, because OCD will make us think about ourselves what we least want to, will make us doubt the beliefs we hold dearest. You can know a lot about it and still be caught absolutely off guard.

As you yourself have said while giving advice to others: Overcoming OCD is simple, but it's not easy! If it was easy, people would come to the forum once, get some sound advice on whatever obsession they're dealing with, and leave and be forever done with the topic. And yet you know enough about the forum to know that isn't the case. :D

What we have to do is quite straightforward but really doing it takes a lot of strength. Strength that we don't neccessarily have all the time, and that's normal, that's human, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Take a deep breath, take some time for yourself if you can, and regroup. You did it once, you can do it again. Don't worry about stumbling and struggling here and there, the key is to keep on keeping on.

I wish you all the best!

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Sorry for the super-long post, but I wanted to thank each member individually because your responses are really meaningful.

I almost feel exactly the same maybe subconsciously we are dwelling on the anxiety and I'm really frustrated at such a set back and the fact iv created and I made the obsessions a lot worse, I totally understand you on this. I feel hopeless at the moment as if I'm never gonna get back to living a moderately happy lifestyle, the guilt and anxiety is so hard to live in with and its a daily battle rite now , you help so many on here with your knowledge and advice so hang in there my friend , we have hope .

Yes--sometimes the guilt trips me up and other times it's the anxiety. And sometimes I manage it all right. You hang in there, too!

What you're experiencing is common, Sodovka. It takes courage and inner resolve for anybody to face a challenge they thought they'd already conquered. Imagine if you'd just come down from Everest and realised you'd left something essential at the summit - you'd be pretty resistant to the idea of climbing straight back up there, wouldn't you?

Perfect analogy! I often feel like I'm at the bottom of Everest and will never be able to reach that summit again.

There's the rational side and then there's the OCD side, going what if, what if, what if.

Agreed. What's so messed up about OCD is that besides this little, tiny thought, I'm quite a rational person. Unfortunately, I've managed to let that little tiny thought run my life. I guess because it FEELS so real.

That's the Million Dollar question, isn't it :crybaby:

I'm unsure why some seem to resolve their OCD entirely and for others they do well, have good insight and yet it remains a relaxing and remitting condition.

In those circumstances all we can do is to re-implement what we've done before and get it back in remission. Sending you a :hug: I know how demoralising and disappointing it is....but you'll get there again.

Thank you!

I'm sorry you're going through a bad time. I'm frustrated with myself at the moment too.

I just want you to know you have helped me with your knowledge and responses :)

That means a lot to me. I come back here every day because it feels good to help people. One of the weirdest things about OCD is that the more you know, the more you can help others with the condition. However, at least for me, helping myself is absolutely the hardest thing to do. I guess because "my OCD" is what terrorizes my own mind and body.

It must suck royally to get to a better place then have the rug pulled out from under you. Breathe. Relax. You got to the top of the hill once, you'll do it again.

It really does suck royally. Your presence on this forum gives me hope, though. You are a consistently steady voice of reason amidst all our crazy angst.

Yes, you can do it again, you sound like a person who has a lot of inner strength. Your knowledge, advice and support has been very helpful to me. To be able to say something that can help someone else in their life makes you special.

Take care

Thank you! I'm so glad you've stuck around.

Should you know better? Maybe. Maybe all of us should! Lots of people here know lots about OCD, can see some of their thoughts for what they are -- and still they (myself included!) come back here, questioning everything, looking for advice. It's really hard, because OCD will make us think about ourselves what we least want to, will make us doubt the beliefs we hold dearest. You can know a lot about it and still be caught absolutely off guard.

I guess for all my talk, I still struggle to take the leap of faith I tell others is so vitally important. Maybe the problem is I want the PERFECT SOLUTION when I need to be more realistic and accept the best solution possible, whatever that may be.

Thank you all again!

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Thanks, jimangie. I think you may be right. I do feel like I understand so much more about how OCD works since this relapse, largely due to folks on this forum helping me see clearly the way I was doing mental compulsions. I haven't totally stopped but I'm getting closer. It's weird that I feel both more vulnerable yet more knowledgeable at the same time. I guess you really can never step in the same river twice.

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