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greatsun

Bulletin Board User
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    Sufferer

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  1. A few months ago I accepted a new, full-time job—my first one in years. As a health OCD sufferer, I was initally worried about the increased exposure to germs that naturally comes with working in an office environment. However, I tried hard to put that fear out of my mind and have spent the past several months relatively free from obsessions. I've touched many door handles, shaken many hands, the whole lot. Anyways, this past Friday I was hit by a sudden bout of fatigue and muscle weakness that has persisted into today. I am now convinced that all of the increased physical contact has resulted in me catching Epstein-Barr virus or something similar, which is just now manifesting as these symptoms and which will go on to become debilitating Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I hate myself for accepting the job and exposing myself to this risk (which I am now sure will become my demise and end my life as I know it). Other theories for my recent symptoms (all of which end with me developing CFS): -The symptoms are the result of negligent dental work that I had done the other day, in which proper protocol was not followed and I was exposed to other patients' saliva (this is my theory; not positive that it's true). -I have Lyme disease (not because I go anywhere near ticks, but because I live with people who do go in the woods where ticks live, and they could conceivably track them into the house.) Is this an OCD thought? If so, I just can't understand how it's all OCD. Some people do develop crippling CFS and I'm not sure why I would be immune to this fate.
  2. I can never just be okay with things. Even during periods when things are relatively fine, and nothing is overtly wrong, I am overtaken by "what if" thoughts. What if things end up not being fine? What if this fails? What if that goes wrong? What if I've overlooked things, and something really is wrong? This leads me to constantly "check" on situations where nothing is wrong (usually involving my physical body and symptoms), just to be 100% sure that nothing is wrong and that I'm not mistaken. I truly despise the incessant worrying, but I'm also constantly on the edge of my seat when things seem calm, as if I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've seen how life can go from perfectly fine to a devastatingly difficult in a matter of seconds, and I'm always afraid of when the next catastrophe will hit. How do you deal with the "what ifs," and the inability to just be "okay"?
  3. Currently working with a very triggering situation. Instead of giving myself over to my compulsions, I'm trying to identify and stop them. Sometimes this can be hard, as they can look very different based on the circumstances. Right now I've been obsessing over some dental work that was done a few weeks ago and how this left my teeth, bite, and jaw feeling (there has been a lot of discomfort and pain since the procedure). The catastrophic thoughts have been running rampant and causing severe panic and anxiety. Anyways, I've been able to identify and attempt to curb my Internet research and reassurance seeking compulsions. However, I repeatedly catch myself doing things like this: running my tongue over my teeth to see if they feel different; closing my mouth to see if my bite feels right, touching my teeth to see if they feel strange, pushing my teeth to see if they're loose, and looking at my teeth in the mirror to see if they're chipped or have changed position. It's like I can't just leave them alone. Are these behaviors compulsions that I should try to resist?
  4. Thank you, PolarBear!!! You should write a book. Or at least a blog!
  5. PolarBear, I always love your advice. May I ask: what do I DO when, every time a new catastrophe arises (for me they're health-related), I feel overwhelmingly that "THIS is something to really be concerned about, THIS is not OCD, THIS is legit, and therefore I should panic, catastrophize, give up, fall into depression, etc."? Do I disregard these thoughts every time? Always? Is that the key? Not knowing whether the perceived catastrophe is legitimate or a product of my OCD? This is one of the things I'm struggling most with right now.
  6. I am horrendously sad. I post on this forum and every time I post, it's because things have gotten worse. I am so depressed. I used to be full of vitality and joy. I loved life, but I've been plagued by the OCD for so long that I no longer have any will to continue living my life. It all feels so hopeless. So painful. So full of suffering and torture. Every day is a burden; every day is a chore. I can never escape my horrific mind; the mind that will never let me rest. I do try to go on in spite of these feelings. I see a psychiatrist, I take my meds, and I'm trying to find a good therapist who can help me. I try to function but it's getting harder and harder. It's becoming impossible. I just want it all to stop. I have never felt lower or darker. I have horrible, sad thoughts—not intrusive, but strangely comforting—things like, "maybe today someone will shoot me and put me out of my misery." I am angry all the time. I hate people who don't understand me or my situation. I isolate myself because it's easier. I no longer have goals or dreams. I can't care about anything like I used to. The only thing that brings me brief relief is sleep, or a mindless distraction from the reality I inhabit (like TV). How do you go on when you really feel like you'd be better of dead? When you can't tolerate your reality? When you feel that way for weeks and months on end, and suddenly you can't remember any other way of feeling? I have never felt worse.
  7. Sodovka, I'm so glad you find this helpful. A CBT therapist taught me that nugget and I've found it invaluable. I use it all the time; otherwise I would never get anything done. For example, today's obsession is that I have TMJ caused by faulty dental work and that all sorts of life-ruining issues will result. I just have to keep reframing my internal statements: "I'm having the thought that I have TMJ and I'm going to take a shower," "I'm having the thought that I have TMJ and now I'm going to do an hour of work," "I'm having the thought that I have TMJ and I'm going to listen to Beethoven even though it feels like nothing matters anymore," "I'm having the thought that I have TMJ and I'm going to go to the gym"... and so on and so forth.
  8. I, too, suffer with health paranoia and catastrophic thinking. That is the predominant manifestation of my OCD. It's so difficult not to shut down and disregard all hopes and plans for the future when I feel that my life has been irreparably ruined. Something that I've found that has helped me has been changing my thoughts, from a very simple "therefore" or "but" statement to an "AND" statement. For example, instead of telling myself "I'm afraid I have HIV and therefore I'm going to give up running because it doesn't matter anymore," or saying "I want to run but I'm afraid I have HIV and my life is ruined," I'll simply change it to "I'm afraid I have HIV and I'm going to go for a run." And then I'll do the thing in spite of the perceived catastrophe. Try to create a space in which both fear and action in spite of fear can coexist. Do the thing anyway. Just do it. It challenges the fear, and usually I'm pleasantly surprised with the results of this practice. Good luck to you.
  9. I just want to say that the other thing that makes not compulsing so infinitely difficult is that every time a new health concern arises, I feel like it can't possibly be the OCD that's making me feel this way. In retrospect, I can see that many (if not all) of my health anxieties were OCD-driven, but in the heat of the moment every single health concern feels legitimate, feels real, feels like the exception to my OCD, and therefore I should check, seek reassurance, investigate it, take precautions, panic, etc. I don't know how to overcome this.
  10. I have incapacitating health OCD. Some of the best advice I ever received on here was to stop: stop trying to figure out whether my symptoms are psychosomatic or not, stop trying to figure out where they're coming from or what's causing them, stop trying to find ways to deal with them, and to simply go about my life with my symptoms and thoughts. When I can remember this advice and apply it, I do well. Applying it is the tricky part; it's so difficult for me to simply STOP. I always feel that I NEED to perform these compulsions (which I can't always ID as compulsions) just one more time. As we know, this invariably turns into countless more times. It doesn't feel safe to stop compulsing. It feels ******* intolerable. The uncertainty isn't bearable. Or on the flip side, if I am successful in stopping the compulsions, something will end up triggering me a few days later and I slide right back into compulsion hell. It's so difficult, when in the midst of a panic cycle, to ID the compulsions and shut them down. I am successful here and there but fail more often than not. How were/are you able to stop compulsing and what kinds of changes have you seen in your obsessions? How do you make this a habit rather than an anomaly?
  11. This website is an excellent resource and can help you find somebody in Michigan. I am also in US and have used it with success: https://iocdf.org/find-help/
  12. I was doing those things (hierarchy, exposures) when I had a treatment team (pdoc, psychotherapist) in place, but since losing my health insurance I have lost that support structure and, as a result, have not been good at keeping up with the exposures on my own. My compulsions are: -Reassurance seeking (mostly from my partner; sometimes by going to the doctor, although I've gotten much better about this) -Internet research regarding health symptoms and possible conditions -Bodily checking (for example, with regards to my tinnitus fear, I can find myself retreating to a quiet room and covering my hands with my ears to "check" if I hear a ringing---sometimes hundreds or thousands of times per day) -Avoidance (i.e. Will not do "x" activity for fear of contracting "y" illness) -Ruminating over a series of events or choices I made that led to a particular triggering incident and then obsessively blaming myself for it, assessing how I could have acted differently and avoided the trigger, etc. I also, when I'm feeling overwhelmed with panic and obsessions, tend to isolate myself and shirk my responsibilities. I could lay in bed all day zoning out in front of the TV OR compulsing non-stop. I know that stopping the compulsions is so critical. I know, I know. But I have so many different obsessions coming up throughout the day that it's difficult to identify and stop the compulsions surrounding every single one of those. I can and have stopped compulsing around a single obsession, but there are always at least 5 or 6 other obsessions buzzing so loudly in the background that I don't have the energy, willpower, support structure, or awareness to stop compulsing around those. Most of the time, I find myself compulsing without even realizing it, or I am so stricken with panic that it feels completely impossible not to compulse across the board.
  13. I feel I am in the worst place I've ever been with my OCD in the 17 years since my symptoms started. Every day feels more unbearable than the day before---I'm talking out-of-control obsessions (one after another after another) AND compulsions; massive, repeated panic attacks; a near-complete inability to carry out basic tasks of daily living; crippling feelings of hopelessness; and constant suicidal thoughts (note: I would NEVER act on them, but I frequently feel so unbearably tortured that the thoughts keep popping up). I just wanted to share because I have no one to talk to about this. My partner is extremely supportive but I've burned him out over time. My family does not comprehend my illness at all and I can't rely on them for support. I had some good doctors and therapists but last month I lost my health insurance and have not been able to see anyone since then. Sometimes I feel so close to checking myself into a psychiatric hospital (there is a great one near where I live in the US), but I never bring myself to do it out of fear---fear of giving up what little control I have left and fear of the shame I'd feel and the stigma I would face. Again, not really sure what advice I'm looking for, but I just needed to share. As I write this I am lying in bed at noon, jobless, having just taken another Xanax, and in a full-blown panic over my obsessive health fears of the week (the prospect of maybe developing a rare form of tinnitus called pulsatile tinnitus; of having an eye condition called ocular myositis; of possibly having an autoimmune disease; of having Lyme disease or a tick on my body; of something being wrong with my heart...the list goes on and on). It's not that I haven't tried to treat this. I have tried incredibly hard. 4 different meds, a clinical trial, numerous therapists and forms of therapy (CBT, ERP, psychodynamic, mindfulness-based)---the list goes on. What scares me is that nothing seems to help---things only seem to deteriorate.
  14. I just started on Luvox 50mg yesterday after being off meds for quite some time. I'm really hoping that it will help control things enough so that I can apply the behavioral skills more effectively. However, I've read that mixing coffee (even decaf) and Luvox is a no-no, as Luvox supposedly interacts with caffeine and makes 1 cup of coffee feel like 5. That stinks, because I LOVE coffee and it is one of the last remaining pure, unsullied pleasures in my life anymore. I asked my pdoc and pharmacist and both say they have never heard of this being a problem. Drug review sites and some studies, on the other hand, report the coffee-Luvox interaction being a problem. Is there anyone out there on Luvox who drinks (or can't drink) coffee? And what were your experiences with that? It sounds stupid, but I'm not sure I can completely give up coffee for a medication, and I'm currently too scared to try the two and see what happens.
  15. Hi, all. I've had OCD that focuses on my health and on physical symptoms for many years. I feel as though the answer to what I'm about to ask should be clear to me by now, but I can never quite bring myself to believe it. My question is: do you think it's possible for severe obsessions over the possibility of physical symptoms to actually bring those same symptoms about? I've experienced the most bizarre and lengthy list of physical maladies throughout my 26 years. Nearly every single one of those symptoms has resisted diagnosis and has disappeared, inexplicably, despite numerous doctors visits and tests. As soon as I stop obsessing over one symptom, another pops up to take its place, and I have been caught in this cycle, without relief, for nearly 13 years now. I constantly, relentlessly obsess over how I'm going to live the rest of my entire life with x symptom, and how tortured and unbearable that will be (of course, until x is replaced by the next x). And on it goes. For some time now, however, I've noticed an unusual pattern: something will happen that triggers a health fear, I'll start obsessing over the possibility of developing a certain symptom, and then that symptom will magically appear (and then disappear without a trace). For example: a few weeks ago I was in the ocean, got hit (GENTLY) in the back by a wave (which triggered my fear of getting a herniated disc), and BOOM, 2 hours later, I have back pain that lasts for 2 weeks. About a week later I'm lying in bed, have the thought, "maybe my pillow is bad for my neck and will cause a cervical herniated disc," and wouldn't you know, I almost immediately develop horrible, burning neck pain that lasts for another week. Then, this past weekend I was in the car, accidentally strained my eyes looking too far to the left (which triggered my fear of something going wrong with my vision), and BOOM, 2 hours later, I have searing pain behind my eyes that has been constant for 3 days now. The list goes on and on. I know I should find solace in the fact that these freak symptoms always seem to go away, but every time something new happens I am crippled by obsessional regret and by fears that things will never get better and that I'll be stuck this way, tortured and disabled, forever. I want to believe that my symptoms are somehow psychosomatic and are triggered by my overwhelming fears and obsessions, but each time this happens, I find that thought difficult to internalize. And if my symptoms are psychosomatic, how do I continue to deal with them? I hope this makes sense; I just wanted to see if there's anyone else out there who has experienced this phenomenon.
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