How do you accept help?

[Guest jayjay89]

I'm starting to think that my struggle with getting to therapy every week could be one of two things:

1- I have had to be extremely self reliant throughout my life and the idea that she really wants to help me is just bizarre to me and I don't know how to accept it?

2- maybe I don't feel like I deserve help?

And of course a dash of fear of getting better.

Does that make sense? Does anyone have any advice? Especially regarding the accepting help issue, because thinking about it, no one helped me when I needed it, It hasn't been my experience that people want to help awh other - I am so self reliant that I will struggle with a task that I can't do for as long as I can before thinking of asking for help - to the point of stupidity.

Thanks guys

[Guest eden1616]

i know how you feel i feel like i am not good enough and a waste of everyones time and it sucks but it is your choice and if you feel you arent ready then you can always try again later but maybe you need to work on learning to trust people more and as you said learning to accept that sometimes everyone needs help.

[Guest jayjay89]

Thanks Eden, but I can't really afford to wait I have to work this stuff out now. Nothing like a bit of time pressure lol

[Guest Orwell1984]

Hi Jay. I am similar in the respect that I find it hard to accept help. I am forever dubious of the help I do get, I worry that the help is going to worsen my OCD unbeknownst to the therapist. I'd say if your therapist has had any good experience helping those with OCD, then just bypass the worry and aim to work with her and trust her. From what you said about her, I think she is worth a try I'm in limbo at the moment because god knows what sort of a therapist I will end up with and there is nothing I can do for the moment but go with the flow and wait. You have some indication that the person you are seeing is good so go for it

The other therapist emailed me. Said that she could see where therapy was falling over for me - that I can't talk about my emotions and I can't show my vulnerability because every time I did for 15 years I got beaten (not just a smacked bum hah but my back is covered in scars from belt buckles, I had broken bones etc) So it's a skill I never learnt. The same goes for hoping and trusting someone to help me - because so many people knew what was happening in my house and no one stepped in to even try and help me

She also said that she understood why I need some goals and a timeframe so I can have some proof that they can help - that life doesn't have to always hurt - I don't need a guarantee, I don't need proof for everything - I need proof that they want to help me, can help me and can make my life worth living. That I can trust someone and they won't break me.

So, we are working out an arrangement, with Terms that give me the best chance for making some progress. I'm hoping for some input from you guys, I you have read my other posts, you probably know more about me than anyone else in this world.

The terms so far are
Sober for the period of time
Not allowing my ocd to slip back
Once I zone out in a session she has to stop until I am back
If I can't say something in a session, I will write it down, or email it to her

The other part I am hoping for help with is realistic goals that can show me in a reasonable time frame that I can make progress.

So far, my list is fairly short, because I still feel overwhelmed and afraid but this is it so far,
To be able to :
watch a TV show that I want to
Read a chapter of a book in one sitting
Smile one time, because I want to, not because that is how I arrange my face

I know you guys will be looking at that and thinking - just F'n do it. And I do try, again and again and again. But so far haven't managed it

Thanks as always for any advice

Jay

[PolarBear]

jay, i think you over analyze your recovery to death. Stop thinking about it and start doing it.

Given your past posts, I think the root of your problem may well be that you don't think you are worthy of the help. How can you can accept help from another if you do not first think you are deserving of that help?

How about take the plunge and accept the help because you might be worth it and leave it at that.

[Guest jayjay89]

Thanks guys, I know I am over analysing treatment at this point, but I've been trying to jut get on with it for two years and while my ocd is much improved, nothing else is

[Guest eden1616]

Thanks Eden, but I can't really afford to wait I have to work this stuff out now. Nothing like a bit of time pressure lol

the only time pressure is pressure you put on yourself. i guess i just mean that you cant start the treatment unless you are in a place where you are ready to do that otherwise it wont work anyway.

i hope that makes sense sometimes i have trouble explaining things.

[ACE]

I'm starting to think that my struggle with getting to therapy every week could be one of two things:

1- I have had to be extremely self reliant throughout my life and the idea that she really wants to help me is just bizarre to me and I don't know how to accept it?

2- maybe I don't feel like I deserve help?

And of course a dash of fear of getting better.

Does that make sense? Does anyone have any advice? Especially regarding the accepting help issue, because thinking about it, no one helped me when I needed it, It hasn't been my experience that people want to help awh other - I am so self reliant that I will struggle with a task that I can't do for as long as I can before thinking of asking for help - to the point of stupidity.

Thanks guys

Hello there Jay I totally understand what you're saying about accepting help hun it does make perfect sense&I'm very sure most people with OCD∨ a mentla illness would feel the same even.I think for e.g what you can try&do is say well if I had a physical problem I would accept the help most likely,it's not my fault I'm unwell&I deserve the help&should really take it.The people offering me the helt that is what they're there for&I'm as deserving as anyone else right now&just like anyone else should accept the help offered to me.

So what I say when you get these thoughts/questions/doubts etc etc try to counteract with I know how it was in the past but I can't allow it as much as it hurts impact me in the future&I should take the help as this is what I really need&deserve right now.And I think would you tell someone else they should take the help? if so try to apply that same method of thinking/thought to you see if that works or at least may help hun :original: .

[Guest jayjay89]

I'm just being such a pain, I rebooked my appointment for tomorrow at lunch, now I have spent the entire day thinking I should cancel

[Guest jayjay89]

Ps thanks ace - it's not that I can't ask for help, but that I seem unable to take help, like the more someone wants to help me, the more I want to avoid them

[ACE]

I totally understand Jay I know wehere you'recoming from even tilnow after all these years I've been having so much treatment I get those thoughts of feeling bad for taking help.So what you're saykng does makeperfect sense to me&I'm sure everyone else hun.Also you aren'tbeing a pain about having those thoughts about wanting to cancelyour appointment it could be those thoughts of you not wanting to take the help∨ also I think maybe that indecision that so often gets us with OCD perhaps? :original: .

[Guest jayjay89]

Hey Ace,

Dunno. Made it to my session today, wish I hadn't she explained her plan for me getting better and it's something I physically can't do - not like scary exposure, but something that I just can't do. Now it's 24 days until Xmas and I can either start over with a new therapist or quit :/

[taurean]

Why not explain to her why you can't do it?

Edited December 1, 2014 by taurean

[Guest jayjay89]

She knows why I Can't , her response to that was fi just keep having sessions until I magically could we could hang out and play connect 4! It might take a year or two, I'm worried about next week lol not bedsit mintg

[Guest jayjay89]

And that last post is why I should not post while half asleep.

We covered the reasons that I can't (dissociation and inability to say some things).

She said the dissociation would just mean that progress would be even slower since once I dissociated we would have to stop and take a break, maybe hve short sessions. But what I don't think she understood is that I am dissociated to some level all day - to even get myself to therapy I am pretty far gone.

In regards to the inability to say things, she hoped that over time that would change.

I think what bothers me the most is that it's a wait and see approach, that doesn't give me much hope to work with

[ACE]

It may take a while Jay but we know with OCD that is very common hun :original: .I do understand where you're coming from so often I see it the same or similar way that things will just take far too long for me to get where I want&need to be.It's I'm sure natural to have doubts when you have to try&be patient for things to work out&improve especially when you've been trying for so long.I think well try to look at it for e.g if you're making the progress even slowly say to yourself well things are happening evebn though they're very tiny I'm trying and not just sitting there.If you were struggling you can try to say well it's not that I'm not wanting to try it's just very difficult with the OCD,Anxiety etc etc none of it is from your lack of trying,being lazy,not wanting to get better etc etc :original: .

[Guest jayjay89]

Thanks ace, but she pretty much told me there is a cure - but I would have to grow 6 inches to get it. I'm not growing anymore lol. She is also not the first therapist to tell me this. I am ******

[Guest PJM]

I'm starting to think that my struggle with getting to therapy every week could be one of two things:

1- I have had to be extremely self reliant throughout my life and the idea that she really wants to help me is just bizarre to me and I don't know how to accept it?

2- maybe I don't feel like I deserve help?

I too have been, by necessity mostly, very self contained and self reliant. I never seek reassurance, not even from myself. It got me through some difficult things, but I had to learn to trust people. It took a leap of faith to trust my counsellors, but I'm glad that I did do. They're empathetic people who have chosen a caring profession.

I also have felt unworthy and undeserving. I haven't received communion in church for 8 years because I truly believe that for me, "Lord I am not worthy to receive you", but this Christmas I plan to receive communion, with support from the minister.

We are worthy. We are deserving. We aren't wasting the counsellor's time when they could be helping somebody else in greater or more genuine need. We are in genuine need. It's OK to receive the help. The important thing is to use that help to the best of our ability.