Really in bad way.

[Running Lover]

Sorry it's me again I'm really having difficulty accepting who I've been in the past morally. I've posted on here a few things in last few weeks all guilt related. Granted all things are 10 years + ago when I was much younger going through a particuly difficult time. Wasn't yet diagnosed had severe ocd. The father of my child left me for someone else and I was in a dark place. I was absolutely in pieces my whole life fell apart. It's the worse thing I have ever been through. I regret over that time going out with friends getting very drunk and saying and doing things I find difficult to come to terms with morally. I was on a rampage hurt emotional and physically not only did my partner cheat severel times but also was very violent to me. On one occasion I was out with friends after drinking far too much in such a delicate frame of mind. I bumped in to my cousin whom I was upset with as he was friends with the girl he had left me for and he had let her stay at his house. My cousin was shocked to see the bruises I had from my ex and decided to chase after him, coincidentally he had seen him minutes earlier. I then bumped in to my ex's brother who I had a good relationship with and made the mistake of telling him that my cousin had just set off to have it out with my ex. The most stupid thing I could have done as he then runs to defend his brother. There was trouble that night and they were separated by police etc. At the time I was annoyed with my cousin I would have had the father of my child back despite all he had done in a flash I was so destroyed. Looking back separating was the best thing that happened it took me years lots of counciling etc to get over it I was literally in pieces! Life's moved on a long way from where it was. I have a good job I went to uni and went travelling with my child and opened new corridors. I'm am a different strong independant woman and I have done well for my self considering what happened. I'm having terrible issues with guilt at the moment mainly towards family members. Tonight I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt towards my cousin. I betrayed him by telling my ex's brotjer where he was. There's nothing more important to me in my life than my family so I have huge anxiety surrounding them. After it happened my cousin wouldn't go put as he was scared in case there was more trouble. I just want to cry

[PolarBear]

As you said, it's in the past. You have to let it go. You have to forgive yourself and move on.

[Running Lover]

I'm feeling the need to get in contact with my cousin

[ecomum]

I did exactly the same to the father of my kids who left me for another woman.i bumped into them and iw as drunk and i physically attacked him i then found out hed just had an op for chrons disease so i felt soo unbelivably guilty for ages.However,and heres the important bit,i came to realise that i only behaved in such a way that i would never ever have done because i had been so severly provoked over about 6 months by him and her and i just flipped i would not normally do anything like that.we are only human.its over and done with now.ocd is making you continue thinking about it.i wanted to apologise to my ex but it would only have dragged it all up again.the worry has passed now and yours will too.think positively about how far you have moved on.

Edited October 26, 2014 by ecomum

[PolarBear]

I'm feeling the need to get in contact with my cousin

Do you see the commonality of this situation and the situation where you felt like you needed to be punished? Your mind is dredging up old situations and making mountains out of molehills.

Don't respond to the thoughts. Just let them go. These thoughts aren't worthy of a bunch of thinking effort on your part.

[Running Lover]

I suppose I've got to think to myself my reasons for acting the way I did a) going through traumatic horrible time b) been very drunk whist at the lowest point in my life c) deep down I was so scarred and would have took my ex back, so despite all he had done to me I still didn't want him to get hurt by my cousin thus my reason for telling my ex's brother. I never wanted it to unfold in to the situation that I did. It upsets me because it stopped my cousin from wanting to leave the house. In some ways I think I'm taking responsibily for the fight when I wasn't actually there.

[PolarBear]

That's exactly it. You are being hyper-responsible over this. You just aren't responsible for everything that happens. There were other people involved who made their own choices. You didn't force anyone to do anything. On top of it all, it was a long time ago. We're not supposed to beat ourselves up over stuff like that from so long ago.

Go do something fun today. You deserve it.

[Running Lover]

Thank you as always

Edited October 26, 2014 by PoppyRose99

[Running Lover]

Ecomum I don't think you did anything a lot of people wouldn't have. It's such a tough thing to go through I felt like I was mourning. I was absolutely petrified of being a single mum, with ocd, and on top of that had the embarrassment of him being with another woman. I was devasted felt at the time like I couldn't live without him. The thing I did wrong was put on a front to my parents that I was okay and wouldn't take him back gift wrapped when in reality despite all he did to me mentally and physically I wanted him back. The problem I have with this event is I told my ex's brother that my cousin had gone to have it out with my ex to which of course he and his other brother run to rescue my ex. I feel like I betrayed my cousin and I can't let it go. I can't believe looking back I was favouring my ex over my own flesh and blood. The outcome was a fight and from then on countless amounts of problems with my idiotic ex threaten in and hate assign my cousin. I feel so terribly guilty. My cousin doesn't know I told my ex's brothers where he had gone. All I can say is my mind was all over and I was very drunk.

[Running Lover]

Ecomum I don't think you did anything a lot of people wouldn't have. It's such a tough thing to go through I felt like I was mourning. I was absolutely petrified of being a single mum, with ocd, and on top of that had the embarrassment of him being with another woman. I was devasted felt at the time like I couldn't live without him. The thing I did wrong was put on a front to my parents that I was okay and wouldn't take him back gift wrapped when in reality despite all he did to me mentally and physically I wanted him back. The problem I have with this event is I told my ex's brother that my cousin had gone to have it out with my ex to which of course he and his other brother run to rescue my ex. I feel like I betrayed my cousin and I can't let it go. I can't believe looking back I was favouring my ex over my own flesh and blood. The outcome was a fight and from then on countless amounts of problems with my idiotic ex threaten in and hate assign my cousin. I feel so terribly guilty. My cousin doesn't know I told my ex's brothers where he had gone. All I can say is my mind was all over and I was very drunk.