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Please help...I don't know how to cope.


Guest sophiethecat2003

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Guest sophiethecat2003

Hi newbie here.

I have BDD and it relates to my obsession with eye bags and dark circles, which I am told are not as bad as I think. I have had it since I was 18 & am now 63. I have gone through phases in my life where it has been okay and then a shock or trauma will trigger it again. Such has happened a couple of months ago, and I am now in complete despair. I check over 50 times a day and cannot stop. It is consuming me & I can't stop obsessing. I have a loving partner and fab friends, no money worries, but non of this seems to matter. I am destroying myself and my partner. He has just started his dream job and I am now putting that in jeopardy for him. I am on a waiting list for CBT but it's weeks away! I weaned myself off antidepressants a year ago, having taken them for 2 years.

I really don't want to go back on the meds again but that's where I'm heading!

I was suicidal last time & cut myself. I have cut myself a couple of times recently on my legs where it can't be seen. I am having thoughts of not wanting to be here again although as before I'm not brave enough to act on it.

I am in total despair and every day seems like a year. I have tried all sorts of things to distract myself but nothing seems to work.

I don't know what to do. My friends are fed up of hearing me talk of nothing else.

l took Citalopram before, and I am taking 2.5 mg of Valium daily to try to calm myself. It seems to be the only thing that has any effect, but I'm scared of becoming addicted.

Anyone know any gentler meds, I have tried Kalms and Bach rescue remedy but nothing seems to work.

I am really sorry to burden you all, but I am desperate.

Has anyone found any good coping methods? I have moved certain mirrors but need one to put my make-up on.

I feel the pain everyone is going through with this horrible condition, and am here for anyone else if they need to talk.

Big hugs :)

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Hi

Sorry to hear that things are so bad for you just now.

That's a long time to carry the burden of such an illness.

My bdd relates to my eyebrows, and lips as well as other parts of the body ,and I'm always checking in the mirror, even filming myself talking on webcam, always seeking to reassure myself.

I'm 49 now and have been doing this and variations of it since my youth. I remember believing so strongly that my lower lip was distorted that for years I tensed it up when in public, not letting it drop naturally even while speaking, so hung-up was I about it.

People noticed and thought it weird. At that time those fears were higher than they are now in my anxiety stakes.

I often think I'm just being vain, having been told throughout my life that I am quite handsome, but I cant stop checking. I suppose I must feel ugly inside.

I feel it has a lot to do with low self - worth which I have, but bdd is so like ocd it that I dont distinguish between the two.

Since it causes me a bit less distress than my "general" ocd, I must admit that I just kind of live with it.

I'm waiting on cbt as well, and must start to work at this, as I dont want to be teriffied of looking older as time goes on. I worry a lot about this already.

I am taking fluoxetine just now and have some tranqualisers left from a while back, but I know from experience how much I can start to depend on them, so I only take one very rarely.

I spoke to the doctor about this as I wanted something to calm me and she prescribed me with Propranalol 40mg which are in the beta-blocker group of drugs. It seems a little unorthodox but I trusted her.

Since she knows all about my general health she said that I could safely take them, and that they would calm anxiety symptoms without the groginess and potential dependance issues with tranqualisers.

I take them occassionaly when I am stessed out and my thoughts are racing.

I dont like the idea of taking them every day, as I feel it's not their proper purpose.

Although they dont give the same feel-good factor as tranqualisers, they do reduce a stressed out anxiety feeling.

Of course due to physical conditions and illnesses people have, it isn't possible for just anyone to take these for anxiety , but they're a little helpful to me.

Funnily enough I am in the process of changing to citalopram under the doctors suggestion, as she said they would help me better than fluoxetine with the anxiety. I've been given 20mg.

Did you find they helped you with your anxiety ?

I have been on and off anti-depressants in the past myself, but having thoughts and actions of self-harm you may need them again to get you at least up until you see some benefits from your cbt.

They aren't addictive like some tranqualisers and the side affects usually aren't so obvious.

I think you should tell your doctor how you are feeling as soon as possible.

You'll find, I hope, lots of useful suggestions for coping with your disorder on this website and forum.

I sometimes feel like ending it all too, but I just couldn't leave my loved ones to deal with my suicide, so I am determined to battle on - there must be light at the end of the tunnel !

Try and resist harming yourself. Think of what you would do with your life if you didn't have your worries about your eye-bags and circles, what being at peace with yourself could allow you to enjoy with your loved ones.

That can be your goal in seeking treatment - to get to that place !

Look after yourself.

Ally

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Guest sophiethecat2003

Hi Ally...thank you so much for replying to me, it's so nice to talk to someone who understands.

Sorry to hear you have been dealing with this for so long. I have been reasonably okay for the past year until I had a terrible tradgedy befall a close friend and my demons are back.

I just can't get myself out of the awful checking. When I take the Valium 5mg today (bad) 2.5mg yesterday it takes the edge off my anxiety and I am able to cope more. I thought I might try to just take 2.5mg for a couple of weeks and then try and wean my self off it if I feel better. Just at the moment I need a crutch. I keep thinking that my eye bags are getting worse daily, I know that's crazy but I believe that's what I see.

I have a very prominent vein and a small amount of pigmentation under one eye, and I am working on geting that removed by laser treatment which hopefully could be a possitive step!

You are not vain Ally! we both just feel uncomfortable with our perceived flaws! I, like you am told that I am not exactly ugly. People tell me I look 10 years younger. I should be over the moon with that and take it on board, but I prefer to believe my eye's are getting worse daily!

I too took Fluoxetine, but I went to see a psychiatrist privately, she said that Citalopram was better suited to BD.

I struggled for ages not to take anti-deppressants, spending a fortune on Herbal remedies from a specialist clinic but to no avail. I eventually gave in and took the prescribed meds.

Both Fluoxetine and Citalopram, 20mg, made me feel awful! Bad stomach, unable to eat or sleep for 6 weeks or so. Eventually that levelled off and with the Citalopram and CBT I started to feel less anxious. I took Citalopram for 2 years and weaned myself off it with no side effects, but it took a year. It worked for me! just the terrible side effects on starting.

I thought I was over the worst and now I am back to square one. I really don't want to start on the Citalopram again, and if the CBT were not so long away I might be okay with just that.

I have taken 10mg in total of Valium this week, just wondering if I take 2.5mg for a couple of weeks, when needed, if that would become addictive? I will ask my GP about the Propranalol, to see if he thinks that would be of use. He knows I am depressed again, hence theCBT. But he doesn't know about the self harming.

I wake with a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach that it's morning. I have to get up, look in the mirror and get myself ready. Do you get the same thing? How do you cope with it? It's at that point I reach for the Valium. I am awful in the mornings. As the day goes on and I know bedtime is nearer I relax more.

Last time I had depression I couldn't get out of bed. If I did I would get dressed and the lay on the settee all day and do nothing.

It's coping strategies I need and a 'chill pill' that's not addictive LOL. I am so mad at myself for being so weak and shallow!

I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel for us all Ally! surely there must be.

Please take care of yourself and please stay in touch.

Big hugs

Sophie xxxx

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Hi Sophie

I found your reply really interesting.

You sound like you've got what it takes to cope with your "demons".

Experience teaches you a lot doesn't it, when you've lived with something for a long time.

When bad things happen ,out of the blue, it can have a huge negative effect on us, but you recognise that and that's part of getting on top of it.

Funny, but like you I find the mornings can be awful.

I have been working very hard lately, not really through choice, doing two jobs, and the physical/mental exhaustion is so draining. It makes it much harder to keep calm and deal with ocd and depression.

When the alarm goes off, I sometimes feel a dread for the "struggle" ahead that day. I hope to get some relief from now on as I have just cut back on the hours I work with one of my jobs.

I need some breathing space and clear-thinking time !

I too get some relief as the day goes on. My crutch,I think, is caffine and sugar. It's the first thing I have when I get up.

I view them as far more important than they should be to me, dreading the thought of stopping them.

They really worsen my stress but I haven't been able to get a good balance with my nutrition for some time.

Again I hope that cutting back a bit on work will help me to redress the balance, since the exhaustion drives the cravings a lot.

I suppose it's also about looking after your whole self/life if you want to make progress with the disorder.

I think you have to be careful with the valium, not taking it whenever you feel up to doing without it , and yes, talk to your doctor.

Sounds like you have nothing wrong with your eyes at all ! But as we know it's not necessarily about reality but about how we view the perceived "problem".

No doubt there are coping stratigies out there for you.

If you were just "weak and shallow", the problem would be easy to deal with - but in fact it's about complex, faulty thinking patterns in bdd, so dont blame yourself !

Thanks for your experience with the citalopram. I will give it a go. In the past, initial side - effects haven't lasted too long with me so here's hoping.

Take care

Ally

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Guest sophiethecat2003

Hi Ally

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it.

I'm glad you have been able to reduce the hours on one of your jobs, that should give you some physical and mental respite.

I am a slave to sugar myself, including naughty cakes. I used to drink shed loads of coffee, but I use decaff tea and coffee now. After a while I couldn't tell the difference. Have you tried that? I know it's not completely caffeine free, but it has to help!

I'm not sure that I am coping well at the moment, and can't really see a way through. When I take the Valium it makes things feel and look so much better. I do have small eye bags, wrinkles and circles, but I know that I am blowing things out of proportion. That's the sad thing about it, I know how crazy what I am doing to myself and my partner is!

I think my biggest problem is the anxiety. As I am typing this, I am wanting to take a valium to reduce my stress levels and fears!

If I could find a less addictive drug for my stress and anxiety levels and some coping mechanisms I might not need anti-depressants.

I just feel so hopeless and fearful. I am even stupidly thinking that taking Valium is making my eyebags worse!!

Any ideas for coping mechanisms? There must be something I can do to help myself and to stop my mind racing.

If you feel like a chat or if I can help in any way, I'm hear to listen.

Big hugs

Sohie :)

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Hi Sophie

Sorry again to hear you're finding it so tough.

I think that in the long term you will benefit most from cbt. That's what can help you to cope better surely, learning to successfully challenge the thinking and fears you have around your physical appearance.

Anxiety and fear is is hard to cope with though, in the meantime, and you're obviously having a hard time of it.

You know that long-term reliance on valium isn't a good idea.

Having never had treatment for the bdd I've suffered, I can only guess that it must be important to resist the rituals of checking in the mirror as much as you can.

Identifying the faulty thinking about your eyes that moves you to obsess over them - maybe that could enable you to then challenge the false assumptions that your mind makes about your appearance. All things that I should try as well !

It would be good if some other forum members could chip in to suggest some coping mechanisms that you could try just now ...............

C'mon readers !

Thanks for the tips about de-caff.

Take care

Ally

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Guest sophiethecat2003

Hi Ally..thanks for your reply, it's so kind of you. How are you doing?

It would be great if any other members could give me some coping tips. I got some Propranolol from my doc, he seems to think it may help with my anxiety. He's given me 10 mg X 3 per day.

I have taken one this morning, but have been reading the side effects they can cause..OMG. Puffy fluid filled eyelids! Slackening of the skin, peeling skin amongst others! Am I being stupid worrying about that? Did you get any side effects and how long have you been taking them Ally? Someone on the OCD forum mentioned Buspar(Buspirone) still has millions of side effects, but not baggy eyes and slack skin!!

I'm probably blowing things out of proportion as usual, but side effects scare the he'll out of me!

Sorry to load you with questions.

I just wish there were some alternative for anxiety that wasn't a drug! Maybe one day!

Thanks for staying in touch Ally,I'm here if you need a chat.

Big hugs

Sophie☺

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Hi Sophie

That was quick with the propranolol.

I hope that it helps a bit. There are so many side-effects listed with most drugs - they have to list them, however uncommon they may be.

The side effects you're fretting over though, on the info. sheet with my propranolol, are said to affect less than 1 in 1000 users.

So it's very unlikely to effect you that way. The thing to look out for is any intolerance or allergic reaction to them.

I have noticed no side effects from using them, though as I said I dont take them every day, and of course each individual reacts differently.

Like me you're waiting on cbt to start, so I hope we will both get something out of it !

Take care

Ally

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Guest sophiethecat2003

Hi Ally,

Thanks for your reply. I took the Propranolol yesterday and spent most of the day on the loo. They are making me feel really sick,and really have upset my tummy. I have IBS so I'm prone anyway. Will see if I can get my IBS under control in the next few days and then start taking them again.

I was the same when I started taking Citalopram, just think I have a weak tummy.

Do you just take 1 X 40 as you need them? I suppose I will have to take the 3 per day & then see how I go.

My tummy is in a knot all the time. My anxiety is winning at the moment, l really can't relax.

I hope the CBT will happen sooner than I think. I was told 4 weeks, 7 weeks ago. Now I am being told another 6 weeks. Have you had the induction yet?

Thanks for helping me Ally, please stay in touch. Not had anyone else reply as yet.

Big hugs

Sophie:)

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Hi Sophie

Sorry to hear about the side - effects.

You will know yourself when enough is enough , but dont overdo it !

I just take the 40mg tablet occassionely, and like I said I notice some benefit.

I do believe that the cbt is your best bet. I hope you get a good therapist and soon.

I got a letter from the health board saying I would be getting an assessment sometime, I dont know when yet.

The doctor said I could wait 6 months or so for cbt, but hopefully it will be sooner.

Yes, sometimes you feel you've poured your heart out but get very little response. Suppose most feel like that sometimes though, everybody's struggling with their own issues.

Take care Sophie

Alastair

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