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Jak

Bulletin Board User
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  1. Oh, I agree - I'm not a fan of self-diagnosis using online sources. However, one of the sources was a list of symptoms on the NHS website which I trusted. I know this doesn't mean I definitely have BDD, it just opened my mind to the possibility. My partner actually suggested it a few years ago and I dismissed it, thinking it only referred to those with imagined flaws but I more recently discovered it includes obsessing over real flaws. The fatigue being down to depression is definitely something I considered after the doctor asked about work and personal life. I said work was a bit stressful but manageable. It really was my chance to ask about this but I lost my nerve. I'm a bit fearful that even after diagnosis I would perhaps not be offered the right treatment. I saw elsewhere someone was referred to mindfulness therapy and I really don't think it would help. I practise mindfulness and it helps with work stress but my body image issues are so great that I think I'd need something harder hitting to make me accept and be comfortable with myself. I have considered looking at private therapists who can say they have trained in BDD. I obviously couldn't say my problem is severe as I'm still able to function at work and, to an extent, socially. I'm just worried that the effects of ageing I mentioned earlier will have a bigger impact later on. I really appreciate you taking time to reply. I need to muster the courage to go to my doctor again soon.
  2. I'm 31 years old (32 in September) and I feel like I'm just more and more preoccupied by my body image as time goes on. I've never been really at ease with my body at all. When I was a teenager, I was a little chubby and that's what I obsessed over. As I developed into adulthood, I grew thinner and taller. I'm 6'2" and very, very slender. I had always assumed I'd just grew into a normal, masculine body like my older brother but at the age of 24 (I remember it clearly) I realised that wasn't happening. I made an appointment with my doctor and told him about the concerns I had over my physique. I told him that it had occurred to me to seek help because I was watching all my friends turn into men around me while I stayed very much the same. He acknowledged that I had very thin limbs but thought it was just 'extremes of genetics'. Nonetheless, he sent me for blood tests. These all came back normal, much to my disappointment. I was seriously hoping for something like a testosterone deficiency which could be fixed but it turned out this was my 'normal.' Over the next few years I became more and more self-conscious. I had little in the way of triggers from other people. There was one night when I was out from friends and an older, drunk woman said 'have you got an eating disorder?' and that really hit me hard. It made me think people really did see something different in me but were usually too polite to comment. As time went on, more and more parts of my body were added to the list of things I felt self-conscious about. It started with thin limbs in my early 20s, then narrow shoulders (that was, and still is a huge issues), then a small head (I feel like my head is the same size as an average woman's and as a tall, slender man that really, really stands out), small hands and most recently small feet! That last one is the only thing I've been able to do anything about (I've started getting a size bigger than I need). I also have a very young looking face. Many people think that's a bonus but when you're a man in your 30s and still sometimes get asked for ID when buying alcohol it does not feel good! Over the last few years I've grown a beard to try and look a bit more mature but sometimes I think even that looks a bit silly. Now on to how this affects me. I've read many people with BDD check themselves often in mirrors. I'm the opposite. I avoid them. I hate reflective surfaces, especially if I'm next to someone whose physique I can compare my own with. I can't emphasises enough how much I try to avoid seeing my reflection. When walking towards a glass door with a colleague I'll look at the floor; after sitting at the front of an airport bus with my partner two years ago, I realised there was a huge reflective, shiny black panel in front of us and I asked him to move but he insisted we stay. I spent the whole journey from the airport to the city staring out of the window or down at my left and felt myself getting anxious whenever I caught a glimpse of my reflection. Just today we were out with a friend and at one point I could see our reflection in her sunglasses and could no longer look directly at her. The only time I purposely look at my reflection is in the morning before I leave for work just to make sure my hair and beard are neat and I don't have toothpaste on my face! I find myself constantly looking out for other men with a physique like mine. I never do. There are sometimes ones as skinny but they always have 'normal' sized heads and big manly hands to make them look 'normal.' I'm a teacher and at work I'm finding it more and more difficult to keep my mind off how people see me. The kids always tend to warm to me after a while because I think they know I'm a nice person. However, I find myself constantly thinking about how I'm standing, tugging my shirt sleeves down, remembering to pull my shoulders back, etc. We have glass doors and I've caught my reflection in that a couple of times which has been distressing for me, especially when I can see kids next to me in the reflection. At meetings, I find myself pulling my hands away so others can't see them next to everyone else's. I feel like I'm just rambling now but there's so much I do now. I used to be OK just looking at my face in the mirror as my face was the one thing I thought was OK. Now, when I walk into my bathroom at home the first thing I do is open the cabinet over the basin so I can't see the mirror on its surface. This is really affecting how I am with my partner too. Us both being male makes the comparison really difficult for me. Whenever I'm getting a picture taken with him, or anyone, I push my face forward a bit in the hopes it makes my head look bigger and sometimes it works - I like those photos! Often it doesn't. When people show me photos which include me where I haven't been aware they've taken them (weddings, etc) I feel sick about how much I stand out. I often thing I'd rather be a plain looking, chubby guy with a normal build than what I am now. I've also started to worry about how I'll age. For now, I think I sometimes get away with it because of the clothes I wear (that's something I could write pages about - how difficult it is to find clothes I feel OK in!) and because I'm quite youthful looking. However, I worry that as I age, I'll just look like a weird, creepy guy, ridiculous as it sounds! I'm taken load of those online quizzes and rate really high on the 'YOU HAVE BDD' scale and I'm pretty sure myself. I just need to know if I can get help. I was at my doctor recently because of constant fatigue. She asked about work and personal life and I said they were fine. I should have broached how I'm feeling about this but I just felt that wasn't the time. I did not want this post to be so long yet there's so much I haven't said! Do my issues sound like anything anyone has encountered? Can I be helped? I really just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, even if it means accepting what makes me look different. I don't want this to plague me into my old age!
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